I'm really alone now

Tuesday_Tenor

What about trying some activities which are done with other people but don't focus on conversation: singing (community choirs/ groups are open to anyone, no auditions); circle dancing (no partner needed); Scottish, or other folk dancing - though you partner up for dances, in my experience the regulars make sure newbies get involved...

Or Ramblers, a good blend of getting exercise and meeting people.

Why not make 2017 a year when you try some new activity every month until you find something you want to continue with. Do some research at your local library and online to find things you've never previously considered: archery, fencing, bridge, painting, drama, yoga, going on an archeological dig ... And even when you like the activity be aware that, as others have said, you'll need to go several times before you can tell whether the group is right for you and whether it's going to be what you want socially. You might end up doing some things because you love the activity, even though you don't end up socialising much, and other things because you find that group very friendly and the activity 'interesting enough'.

And if you're joining a group that's been going for years, bear in mind that it might indeed feel a bit 'cliquey' simply because some people there will have been friends for years. That's no reflection on you; it's just a fact; don't take it personally. That sort of group may need quite a while to register that you're really interested in 'whatever it is' ; the sense of shared achievement over time as you improve skills, put on performances, or share other experiences, can be very rewarding. But it's not often an instant reward. That sort of group will have had lots of people joining and leaving over the years; it's only after a few weeks that you'll be seen as a 'regular' and start to feel part of the group.

You also might not realise straightaway, unless you engage and interact, what related social activities there are. You could attend a regular circle dance for a while before realising there are summer dance camps; you might not realise that some people go to the pub afterwards ( or meet for a meal beforehand, or share lifts) unless you ask ....! And just because the first person you talk to doesn't do these things, it doesn't mean that others don't ... You just have to persevere ...

Hope you find some interesting activities and people!

-taff

Chlorine7 wrote: »

I'm also not sure I can love someone as much as my ex and because of that I'm not prepared to just settle

He's your ex for a reason. You will love someone, just differently. People don't usually fall in love form one month to the next after leaving someone. And remember, you found out something about him that made you not want to see him anymore even as a friend, so he's not that great is he?

Find yourself some evening clubs doing what you like, whatever it is, or meet ups, and as above, people make an efort when you make an effort with them, If they see you are regularly going, they will ope up a bit. In a lot of groups, no one wants to make a huge effort for someone who's only going to turn up once.

I know there's a meet up near me where they meet up fr a meal and to go to the cinema afterwards....That's pretty simple to do, you could start one yourself.

Knightsuntold

Chlorine7 wrote: »

I don't have any hobbies. The only one I did have isn't really a sociable one. I'm not even sure where I'd start in taking one up. I'm considering a language course that starts mid-Jan but that's so I can speak a bit more to my family.

I hear you Kynthia, I probably should give a group more than one try. I'm kind of awkward in a group situation as I get intimidated by louder more confident people. I can make friends one to one when I'm travelling but that's just someone you spend a few days sightseeing with.

I'd rather have a few more friends than a boyfriend. I've always tried to see being with someone as a bonus not a necessity. I'm also not sure I can love someone as much as my ex and because of that I'm not prepared to just settle. Finding someone I want to have 'fun' with would probably be a good start but I am so rarely attracted to people. Is that wrong?

I really feel like I screwed up my life by not being a more open person and being happy with just my ex for so long. I have been content on my own, I do travel (a lot!), eat out, buy what I want but I guess I'm just hiding that I'm scared about ending up all alone. I already have two cats that follow me home after work :rotfl:

Sorry, my earlier reply crossed with yours.

Wow. There is so much good stuff in your post - you just can't see it at the moment. You say your hobby isn't a social one. Is there an online group connected with it? You may be surprised and find there are people who are local to you, who would love to meet up. If not, it could be a good source of support, as this group are. The language course is a great idea. I'm still friends with someone I met at a night-school class, some 20-odd years ago.

You're not the only one who is intimidated by louder and more confident people in a group setting, but you can develop tricks to deal with that. Sometimes just standing to one side, listening and nodding is sufficient to get you accepted. Often, if someone likes holding forth, and realises that someone is genuinely listening, they will pull that person into the conversation, as they think that you think along the lines. You may not, but it's a stepping stone to getting accepted by others, that you may like more. If you can make friends on a one to one basis, especially in a travelling environment - that says a lot about you.

Yep, the more friends than a boyfriend is the right approach for you at the moment. There's a massive chance that you will love someone just as much as your boyfriend, if not more, it just doesn't feel like it now. Again, I've been where you are, and once I met my current partner, I wondered why I'd made such a song and dance about the previous ones. The only way I can describe it is seeing something is glorious technicolour, after years of slightly crummy black & white. So rarely attracted to people isn't a bad thing - it just makes it harder when it doesn't work out. You will still be attracted to other people.

You haven't screwed your life up. You're only 34, and the chances are you have loads of time in front of you. I have loads of friends around the 50 mark, who would do anything to go back to 34! The fact that you can travel, eat alone and can buy things without someone else's input shows that there is one hell of a lot of confidence there. You just need to find it again, and divert it into the right direction. No one knows if they will end up alone, but it's far too soon, to even be thinking along those lines. As for the cats... well, they're a great judge of character! If a cat likes you, there's not much wrong with you.

newcook

have you thought about joining a social club? the one I go to has many different activities including darts, football, netball and bowls to people just going there to have a drink and meet new friends. they have entertainment of a weekend and theres always something going on thats suitable for different ages.
I know of a few couples who met someone through a social club and I have some amazing friends from there. I also used to go there on my own sometimes and just chat with the bar staff so I wouldnt be sat at home alone and no-one would bat an eyelid whereas if you were to do that in a pub as a single woman it looks a bit odd.

borkid

How about evening classes to find a new hobby? If you've paid upfront you are more likely to stay the course as well.

You said you have a solitary hobby but it might not need to be the case. I play classical guitar which is considered a solitary instrument. 11 years ago I started a group it's only small 10 people but we have an interest and get along well.

System

I made friends just by joining a gym. I got invited to allsorts of nights out (which i declined but was most grateful of).

You just need to broaden your social circle.

Chlorine7

Knightsuntold wrote: »

What a brave a decision, and, for what it's worth, I think it's the right one for you. You've done so well taking that step. I've done the 'hanging around with an ex' thing, and in some ways, it's great, because you like the same things, still get on, and it's convenient. In other’s it's not so great, and it does stop you moving on with your life. There is also the problem of what happens when they meet someone else? There’s a good chance you’ll get left behind, and may even be jealous. So, well done you for making the decision and doing it.

Next, I reckon that it’s too soon to be looking for a boyfriend. You may need to do a bit of grieving for what you’ve lost, and also for what might have been. It needn’t be for ever, maybe make a decision that you’re not going to actively look for 6 months, as that will take the pressure off you. If you do meet someone in that time – great! I reckon the going out and just having a laugh is exactly what you need.

You say that there have only been two people in the last three years that you’ve had any kind of attraction with. To be fair, it wasn’t a clear playing field, as you still had feelings for your ex. As the feelings get less, you may find you’re interested in a few more.

I would go with what the others have said. What do you like to do? Do you work? Are you on social media? It can be great for reconnecting with old friends. Volunteering is a wonderful thing to do – not only are you doing something worthwhile and meeting new people, but it could also increase your self-esteem and confidence.

You don’t sound overly uptight to me – you sound like someone who taken a bit of an emotional kicking and is struggling a bit. You will get there!

I read this last night before going to bed and it made me smile. I kind of know these things but it helps to hear it from someone else. Thank you.

I do hope as feelings get less, I'll feel more for someone else eventually.

I did actually use social media to meet a friend I hadn't seen since uni while I was away recently and she gave me some incredible advice which I think prompted me to realise it was time to attempt to walk away from him.

I do work and I for drinks with a few guys after work sometimes but it's always just me and a bunch of men in the pub. As much as I enjoy this, I sometimes I miss bars and dancing with my girlfriends.

Tuesday_Tenor wrote: »

Why not make 2017 a year when you try some new activity every month until you find something you want to continue with. Do some research at your local library and online to find things you've never previously considered: archery, fencing, bridge, painting, drama, yoga, going on an archeological dig ... And even when you like the activity be aware that, as others have said, you'll need to go several times

I love this idea.

Chlorine7

Judi wrote: »

You just need to broaden your social circle.

Er, I know, that's a big part of what is getting me down. And 'just' makes it sound a lot easier than it is.

I don't want to seem rude because I'm entirely grateful for the advice that I've been given so far and the fact people have let me get this off my chest.

Chlorine7

-taff wrote: »

He's your ex for a reason. You will love someone, just differently. People don't usually fall in love form one month to the next after leaving someone. And remember, you found out something about him that made you not want to see him anymore even as a friend, so he's not that great is he?

Find yourself some evening clubs doing what you like, whatever it is, or meet ups, and as above, people make an efort when you make an effort with them, If they see you are regularly going, they will ope up a bit. In a lot of groups, no one wants to make a huge effort for someone who's only going to turn up once.

Yeah, he is my ex for a reason and turns out not the person I thought he was so no, he's not that great :eek:

I will definitely look into attending something at least three times rather than expecting more on one meeting!

Zinger549

Have you looked at https://www.meetup.com/ They have lots of interest groups on there. You could have a look and see if anything takes your fancy.