Paris Metro ticket - possible proof of an affair

Knightsuntold

carefullycautious wrote: »

If you show him this ticket he is sure to say it is his mothers. So you would still not know if he is lying or not


From reading all of this I conclude that this woman took revenge for an affair that never got off the ground. He admitted that they had kissed and I think in her mind she wanted more.


What's that saying 'Hell has no fury like a woman scorned'


I really do think this applies. If you think about it PAs spend more time with their managers than their own families do.


All you are doing is making yourself ill over what ifs.


In your shoes I would go into counselling to make myself stronger emotionally.

I don't think he would even think of it being his mum's.

No, he didn't admit they'd kissed - he said that she tried to kiss him, but he'd backed off instantly, and put it down to an excess of booze. He didn't tell me at the time, but he did when I tackled him after she'd said that they'd had an affair. He repeated it when we were talking to the police.

Oh, yes - he definitely spent more time with her than he did with me. Often, there would be lengthy phone calls too, when they were discussing clients and approaches to situations. Those were never hidden from me, and I could wander in and out without him noticing. He was also encouraging her to apply for promotion, and helped her with her portfolio, which was done in his own time.

I feel stronger now and the initial panic has subsided. It wasn't only the thought of what the ticket might represent, but also the fear of opening such a massive can of worms again, and, to a degree, allowing her to have power over our lives, yet again.

I have been for a short course of counselling. The counsellor said that I had a healthy attitude to the situation, and was coping well. He also said that there could be triggers in the future, and I think this is one of them.

Knightsuntold

Jamiehelsinki wrote: »

Op is it also possible that with your lack of trust issues, your husband might also lie to you about where he's going and who with for innocent work purposes because he knows your lack of trust.

He might even have told his former pa about your trust issues in the past!

I can understand why you would think that, but no. He's always gone out of his way to say exactly where he is, what he's doing and who is with, although sometimes that would be 'the usual crew'. I've never asked him to do that, it's just the way he's been since day one.

No need for him to tell his PA about my trust issues, I told her myself! We had a lengthy conversation about whether it was possible to move on and trust again, after being cheated on. I told her it was, an irony that hasn't been lost on me.

Knightsuntold

gettingtheresometime wrote: »

I don't know what the partner does for a living but from personal experience I've seen my hubby turn on the charm in the line of his job only to breath a sigh of relief when the person he's done the charm offensive on has gone.

Yes, I've seen my partner do this too. There's one particular man he loathes, but he has to deal with, and, at a professional level at least, you wouldn't have a clue. He's a senior manager responsible for continued growth in his field, and a lot of that is involved with motivational skills, presentations and trouble shooting. It's a job he loves, and he's really good at it. Although today, he has manflu, and may not survive the day....

Knightsuntold

burnoutbabe wrote: »

your partner could prove he was in Bristol on those dates somehow if he wanted to? Get a copy of his expense claims maybe or company credit card statement which showed some spending in that location.

You could say this women has contacted you to say he was with her on x date and whilst you believe him, you want some evidence to dispute her once and for all.

(yes not fair on this other person but she is not exactly innocent here).

If you don't trust him, you don't trust him and i can't see the relationship going well if you don't believe him. May as well get this issue resolved and move on from there (with or without him). Hiding how you feel about things isn't helpful for you, (whether you are correct or not).

You're right, and I did have access to these documents two years ago. Unfortunately, I was looking at them in the wrong way, as I was looking for what was there, rather than what wasn't. I know there were some receipts for Bristol for the beginning of the week, and I was happy with that at the time. It was only later that I realised that there are flights from Bristol airport to Paris. Or they could have worked in Bristol and then gone to Paris. You can make anything fit, and equally argue yourself out of it.

Most of the time, I do trust him and I want to trust him. If it hadn't been for finding that ticket, I'd be as happy as Larry. I'm far from perfect, and I have weak spots, just the same as anyone else. This has scored a direct hit. I don't have the luxury of thinking 'that would never happen to me', because it already has. I don't have the luxury of thinking 'oh, you would always know', because with my ex I didn't have a clue, until I walked in on them. The really scary thing about that was when he lied to my face, even after seeing them together, he was so convincing that I wondered if I had somehow got it wrong.

Knightsuntold

FBaby wrote: »

This is a very good point. You said a lot about how she tried to convince you that the affair had taken place, but how much effort did he put into proving that he was elsewhere? Surely it would have been very easy for him to prove that he was wherever he said, show a work email confirming the trip and more importantly hotel receipt, even if it was arranged by work.

I know that if my OH told me that one of my colleagues had contacted him with allegations that he was with me somewhere I wasn't, it would take me no time at all to gather everything I could to prove I was where I said I was.

He did put a lot of effort in at the time, but it was months after the alleged trip. He was also angry/disappointed/hurt that I would think he was capable of it, but he calmed right down when he realised what she'd said, and the supposed evidence she'd provided. We pulled together, and in many ways, it brought us closer together - fighting a common cause. It was only when the other things started to happen, that doubt started creeping in again - I couldn't believe that someone would do all those things without good reason. It's also wears you down. For quite a while afterwards, every time we spoke the first question from either of us was 'anything happened?' I dreaded saying 'yes, this....'. Sometimes I didn't tell him.

The trouble is that as his PA, she often arranged the trips and had access to his e-mails and expenses. In theory, she could make anything up, but also delete anything she wanted to. I know I saw something relating Bristol. I don't think there were receipts for every single day, but that again is not unusual, as sometimes it's the clients that pay. I know I saw enough to be more or less happy at the time.

Pollycat

Knightsuntold wrote: »

Most of the time, I do trust him and I want to trust him. If it hadn't been for finding that ticket, I'd be as happy as Larry. I'm far from perfect, and I have weak spots, just the same as anyone else. This has scored a direct hit. I don't have the luxury of thinking 'that would never happen to me', because it already has. I don't have the luxury of thinking 'oh, you would always know', because with my ex I didn't have a clue, until I walked in on them. The really scary thing about that was when he lied to my face, even after seeing them together, he was so convincing that I wondered if I had somehow got it wrong.

But it hasn't happened with the man you are with now.
I think you are possibly punishing your partner because of what another man did to you.
And to me, that's not fair.

Knightsuntold wrote: »

He did put a lot of effort in at the time, but it was months after the alleged trip. He was also angry/disappointed/hurt that I would think he was capable of it, but he calmed right down when he realised what she'd said, and the supposed evidence she'd provided. We pulled together, and in many ways, it brought us closer together - fighting a common cause. It was only when the other things started to happen, that doubt started creeping in again - I couldn't believe that someone would do all those things without good reason. It's also wears you down. For quite a while afterwards, every time we spoke the first question from either of us was 'anything happened?' I dreaded saying 'yes, this....'. Sometimes I didn't tell him.

I think if your partner knew how much you don't trust him, how you're thinking about this ticket and believing the worst, he'd be even more angry, disappointed and hurt.

Knightsuntold

Spendless wrote: »

I've been to Paris on several occasions and I've NEVER been on the Metro or bought a ticket in anticipation of travelling on it. You'd soon know that about me if you ever asked me about a metro ticket found in a bag I may or may not have borrowed.

Why not just get MIL into conversation about her trip to Paris and if she ever traveled on the metro or intended to, you'd soon get an answer if it's a possibility she purchased it. (I know I'm not the first person to suggest this)

The fear was breaking down in front of her and all of this spilling out. At the time, we told her very little. She knew that there was someone trying to cause trouble for him in work, but not the details.

Andypandyboy

Op you sound like a very intelligent and rational person. Trust issues are like a worm virus burrowing deep into the relationship. One of my sons was involved with a lovely girl, but one who had been damaged by seeing her father betray her mother on numerous occasions. She took those issues into their relationship and in the end it destroyed it and it almost destroyed him. Strangely, the end point came when he had the same issue as your partner an older drunken colleague tried to kiss him at a Christmas party, he gently pushed her away but he was eaten up with guilt and fear at how his partner would react.

I will be frank, as his parents and knowing her issues, we both told him not to tell her, but we have brought him up to be honest and he felt he had to do so. From that moment onwards he lived under constant suspicion and monitoring. Innocent items became "evidence". In the end it almost broke him, but he had to walk away for his own sanity. Three years down the line he is still single.

I think you need to be clear what you want here and what you will do when you get it. Yes, he could exonerate himself by giving you evidence that he was In Bristol but at what cost to your relationship?

There are women out there who will take something to extremes, look at those two friends who shot and killed another woman at her home after stalking her (Sadie?) all because she was now with one of their ex's.

Given what you have said I think it could go either way. There may be more to it than your partner is telling but, consider this, if he was open with both police and work investigations it was at that point that more could have/would have come out. It didn't. He didn't persuade you to do nothing, he sought police involvement, those don't seem to to me to be the actions of a guilty person.

Think long and hard before you rake up the past like this. How likely is it really that when it all happened someone wouldn't have added their twopennorth if it had been anything more than what you had been told?

I understand that you feel the need to get to the botom of it for peace of mind, but is there no way you can stop that seed growing in view of the discrepancies in her story with your Anniversary? That would throw real doubt in my mind, why mention that date? It sounds to me like she printed off his Outlook Calendar and went through the dates (not realising the significance of that one) and fabricated the stories of them being together to suit the calendar.

Good luck with the path you choose, make sure it is the one that has the end destination you can live with most easily.

-taff

Andypandyboy wrote: »

He didn't persuade you to do nothing, he sought police involvement, those don't seem to to me to be the actions of a guilty person.

Very nice point.

Knightsuntold

duchy wrote: »

Yes because even you can see why he wouldn't have told you.
I wouldn't tell an insecure partner simply because I wouldn't want to damage my relationship over something that literally wasn't of any significance.
I'm sure many of us have had a bloke make a pass when we are out with friends and have never mentioned it to a partner simply because it was so unimportant it wasn't worth mentioning or was forgotten about before we got home.

I know I'm coming across on here as being very insecure, but in normal day-to-day life, I'm not, and I couldn't be with him, if I was. Much of his life is spent away from me, staying in hotels and he works with a lot of women. Part of the reason that he's so good at his job, is because he's relaxed, easy-going and approachable. He's also very good at (as much as I hate the phrase) enpowering people, so he gets calls at all hours of the day and night, and very rarely turns anyone away. I'd be living on a knife-edge if I worried about any of that.

I'm used to woman making passes at him - it even happens when I'm with him. Usually he tells me, and we have a good a laugh about it - I will say 'ooh, you've still got it!' I think he didn't tell me about this particular attempt, purely because she was too close to home, and very drunk.

The important thing is that he did tell me when it mattered.