Paris Metro ticket - possible proof of an affair

Knightsuntold

Pollycat wrote: »

But you are still judging your current partner by the actions of the man who betrayed you.
You are believing someone who may have had an agenda.

I'm not sure that he would understand how you are feeling.
I think you are building a house of cards against someone who has not wronged you - and maybe never will

And I can't see this ending well.

No, not all.. If I was judging him on the actions of a man who betrayed me, I would have been out of the door long ago. What I'm doing is dealing with potential new evidence. There's still a sense of disbelief that someone I knew and liked could do this to us, so it's hard to dismiss everything as just the actions of someone with an agenda.

My partner would understand. When something like this happens, it's as if the ground has opened up beneath you. I cannot describe how horrendous the first six months was. I was doubting him, doubting my own sense of judgement, watching what we knew as normal slipping away. It took a further six months for us to stop looking over our shoulders, and waiting for the next thing to happen - I know that sounds ridiculous, but it's true. I didn't want to open all that up again, without good reason.

Knightsuntold

FBaby wrote: »

I don't agree Pollycat. I think OP acted in the best way she could at the time. I think it took a lot of guts to reach a point of deciding that there would be no more digging, analyzing, interpreting, and turned the page. Ultimately, it would have been foolishness to leave at this point when the relationship was happy and there was not enough evidence for OP to be sure that an affair had taken place, so it had to be left behind.

However, it was left behind my default, and anything that comes up to bring doubts again will inevitably reopen all the questions. However, OP is exactly in the same place she was before, with something that brings serious consideration that an affair did take place, but once again, not proof.

OP will therefore once again close the door on the doubts and move on as she did before and focus on the strengths of the relationship and the fact that nothing has come to rock it in the last two years, and therefore she shouldn't let this ruin everything.

I wish you good luck OP that time will heal the pain once and for all. In a perfect world, the PA would marry someone, have kids, and then one day contact you to tell you why she made it all up, showed you the evidence that she did, apologise, and you'll be thanking yourself that you made the decision to believe your OH.

Pretty much spot on - thank you. I'm working on the the balance of probability, which is just about the best I can do at the moment. Hopefully things like this will be less. This one hit hard, as there had been such a massive gap since there was anything, and we'd both relaxed. Sometimes life is a mare, and goes out of its way to prove that nothing is perfect.

Knightsuntold

Happier_Me wrote: »

I don't think you will ever know for certain what happened two years ago. From what you say though, there was plenty of evidence to indicate an affair but he was very open and transparent when trying to disprove this evidence.

His actions and his treatment towards you appears genuine to me and it seems he puts time and effort into reassuring you, even if this is subconscious (regular texts and phone calls when away with work).

So you need to decide whether you want to be with this person without having a definitive answer to an affair two years ago. And if you do, draw a line in the sand and move on ...for the sake of your relationship but most importantly for your sanity.

Judge him by his current and future behaviour and actions, not by what may or may not have happened two years ago. Carry on as you are and your relationship won't survive, no matter how innocent or guilty he was two years ago!

You're right, I will never know for sure, but funnily enough that doesn't hinge on him and his behaviour, it's more about being unable to accept that someone would bite the hand that fed them in such a way, without good reason.

The line has been drawn.

Knightsuntold

karcher wrote: »

I've been reading your thread from the start OP, but it is this post that stands out to me.

Deep down I think you are the woman you describe above : the one who is not phased by women making passes at your husband and can laugh with him about it.

Past insecurities are currently getting in the way of what appears to be a good relationship.

I don't blame you for those insecurities. I have walked in your shoes too. Maybe take a step back. If your gut instinct is to believe your husband then do so.

Don't let the past destroy your future. From what I've read you would be giving up on a good thing with no real proof. Take the risk and get on with your life with your husband, see what the future brings.

Good luck OP. I truly hope your worries are unfounded.

I do laugh with him about the passes that are made. When it first happened, I couldn't believe that the woman could be so pushy or rude. I was actually stood there, and ok, I'm nothing to write home about, but I was still stood there! I had a split second to make the decision whether to laugh it off, or show that I wasn't happy - I chose the former. To be fair, he's a dab-hand at dealing with it, and although he's polite, the message is clear. That has always helped.

Yes, it's the proof that is the crux of the matter, but definitive proof either way is proving hard to find. Time to draw a line under it and move on again.

Knightsuntold

-taff wrote: »

Um...I have one more thought.
You said this bag had been used by him and packed and unpacked countless times and the ticket had never been found.
It could be in there from 2 years ago, it could be in there from 5 years ago.

If it had been unpacked and packed countless times, then the fact that you're finding it now probably does mean it's been in there for years, way more years than you are worried it has been.

If he was trying to conceal an affair, he would have gone through everything with a fine tootchcomb to get rid of any incriminating evidence, especially after the police were involved, especially with the bag that he would have used.

It took me a while to see it this way. I think if there was a chance that there could be incriminating evidence left, the fine toothcomb would have come out.

Knightsuntold

Pollycat wrote: »

Until something else comes up to rock the boat and it will all come bubbling to the top again.

I can't deny it or say that it will never happen again - it might do. And if it does, I'll deal with it in the best way I can.

Knightsuntold

C_Mababejive wrote: »

But again, it isnt always the men on conferences who are the sharks. There are plenty of married/partnered women who like the thrill of a d'alliance.

When i am away from home, i don't feel the need to continually text and/or phone partner. Is that just me?

Agreed. That's why I used the term 'sharks' as a non-specific.

No, it's not just you who doesn't feel the need to continually text and/or phone partner. It was something that my partner did right from the beginning of the relationship. I even said that he didn't have to do it, in case he was going out of his way to relieve my anxieties, when there weren't any real anxieties there in the first place. His response was that he wanted to, and there was no one else he really wanted to talk to. I expected it to feel claustrophobic, but it didn't - one of the reasons I realised that he was the right man for me.

Knightsuntold

FBaby wrote: »

I think it depends on what is normal to you, when you are away and when you're not.

OH and I both travel for our jobs, mainly locally, but he also goes away about once a month, more at some times, also sometimes away for a few days, sometimes abroad. We always ask each other where we are travelling to during the day, and if he is away overnight, will always give me a quick call around 6pm to ask how was my day (as he would coming home) and then text me to say good night (as we would if at home).

It's been the norm for us from the start of our relationship, so always carried on. Like OP, I am a naturally suspicious mind, so always on the look out for any inconsistencies, but he has never, not once, given me reason to question what he tells me so I feel totally secure.

I would probably be worried if he started to be secretive about where he is going, not telling me until the last minute, telling me that his phone doesn't work when there, and then being evasive/defensive when asked about his time away, because that would be a complete change to his behaviour.

That's it - it's the change in behaviour that can set the alarm bells off. The mad thing is that when his behaviour changed for the Bristol trip, I didn't think anything of it at the time, other than to think 'stupid bloody phone.' He was e-mailing, but not often, and he sounded stressed and grumpy, which is again, not really him. The doubt came later, when I found out the dates of the alleged Paris trip coincided with Bristol. If my partner had been defensive at that point, or we hadn't worked together to try and piece everything together, we wouldn't be together today.

Skylar34

Op, I feel your pain having been through similar and the anxiety and need to know either way can eat away at you but I am glad that posting on here and getting advice has helped somewhat and hope that you can in time put this away and enjoy a healthy and happy relationship again.


Would you consider talking to your partner about this? I appreciate you maybe don't want to open these old wounds but I think it would give you some closure if he allayed your fears and could discuss it.


I totally get why you feel the way you do having previously been so hurt by a cheating ex, unfortunately I don't think that ever leaves you as the emotional scars run deep, once bitten twice shy as they say.


I have read the whole thread and just wanted to ask what happened on the day this woman handed over all the supposed evidence? did she literally ask to meet you coffee and then just come out with it all? and was this after she was going to be moved? (sorry if I missed that bit). I know you mentioned her showing you a mobile phone, was it just texts that you saw?


I find it odd on her part the way she brazenly just announced that she had had this affair with him because if you were having an affair with someone the last thing you would probably do is tell that person's partner, why you may ask, well firstly the reaction could have potentially turned violent for a start (not saying you are like that at all but for all she knew you could have reacted by walloping her) secondly unless there is no chance the affair could continue in the future ie by her telling you about it effectively would have stopped it in its tracks (hypothetically speaking) and lastly unless you want to ruin that marriage/relationship or hurt that person for your own selfish reasons so it leads on to the fact that she could well have made the whole thing up just to cause upset because she could not get what she wanted, your life and the relationship you have with him.


I also find it telling that her work colleague said she had form for this and I do wonder if what really happened was that her being young and full of aspirations for a bright career she became a bit infatuated with him being older and successful and was potentially reading a lot more into him being friendly and encouraging her to aim high?




I work as a PA and it would be very easy for me to tell my bosses wife what this woman has told you, I book all his travel and his hotels and he gives me all his receipts, I have access to his calendar and emails so would not be hard for me to print off his calendar and say I was with him on all his business trips and what hotel etc, I see him for 8 hours a day 5 days a week so know his likes and dislikes, his little habits etc.


I have met women like this before who seem hell bent on destroying relationships, I don't know why they do it but its like a power thing, maybe they are totally miserable in their own lives and can't stand to see other people happy.


I have had a so called friend try to do this with my partner, always flirting with him and making out there was stuff going on behind my back, to begin with I told her I didn't appreciate her behaviour and to stop it, this made her even worse and she ramped it up which in the end made her look desperate and like a fool, slightly single white female in the end as she dyed her hair like mine and started wearing similar clothes and even laughing with him while I was stood there and saying yes I think everyone thought me and you were having an affair...yes dear, hilarious!! even though I cut her off and have not seen her for years it sometimes still winds me up.


I may have it all wrong, none of us know the full truth on here but I can't help but think this woman had a screw loose and was out to cause trouble.


I hope you can find peace of mind and move forward x

Knightsuntold

Skylar34 wrote: »

Op, I feel your pain having been through similar and the anxiety and need to know either way can eat away at you but I am glad that posting on here and getting advice has helped somewhat and hope that you can in time put this away and enjoy a healthy and happy relationship again.


Would you consider talking to your partner about this? I appreciate you maybe don't want to open these old wounds but I think it would give you some closure if he allayed your fears and could discuss it.


I totally get why you feel the way you do having previously been so hurt by a cheating ex, unfortunately I don't think that ever leaves you as the emotional scars run deep, once bitten twice shy as they say.


I have read the whole thread and just wanted to ask what happened on the day this woman handed over all the supposed evidence? did she literally ask to meet you coffee and then just come out with it all? and was this after she was going to be moved? (sorry if I missed that bit). I know you mentioned her showing you a mobile phone, was it just texts that you saw?


I find it odd on her part the way she brazenly just announced that she had had this affair with him because if you were having an affair with someone the last thing you would probably do is tell that person's partner, why you may ask, well firstly the reaction could have potentially turned violent for a start (not saying you are like that at all but for all she knew you could have reacted by walloping her) secondly unless there is no chance the affair could continue in the future ie by her telling you about it effectively would have stopped it in its tracks (hypothetically speaking) and lastly unless you want to ruin that marriage/relationship or hurt that person for your own selfish reasons so it leads on to the fact that she could well have made the whole thing up just to cause upset because she could not get what she wanted, your life and the relationship you have with him.


I also find it telling that her work colleague said she had form for this and I do wonder if what really happened was that her being young and full of aspirations for a bright career she became a bit infatuated with him being older and successful and was potentially reading a lot more into him being friendly and encouraging her to aim high?




I work as a PA and it would be very easy for me to tell my bosses wife what this woman has told you, I book all his travel and his hotels and he gives me all his receipts, I have access to his calendar and emails so would not be hard for me to print off his calendar and say I was with him on all his business trips and what hotel etc, I see him for 8 hours a day 5 days a week so know his likes and dislikes, his little habits etc.


I have met women like this before who seem hell bent on destroying relationships, I don't know why they do it but its like a power thing, maybe they are totally miserable in their own lives and can't stand to see other people happy.


I have had a so called friend try to do this with my partner, always flirting with him and making out there was stuff going on behind my back, to begin with I told her I didn't appreciate her behaviour and to stop it, this made her even worse and she ramped it up which in the end made her look desperate and like a fool, slightly single white female in the end as she dyed her hair like mine and started wearing similar clothes and even laughing with him while I was stood there and saying yes I think everyone thought me and you were having an affair...yes dear, hilarious!! even though I cut her off and have not seen her for years it sometimes still winds me up.


I may have it all wrong, none of us know the full truth on here but I can't help but think this woman had a screw loose and was out to cause trouble.


I hope you can find peace of mind and move forward x

Being on here has helped far more than I expected, but in a totally different way. There are some wonderful people on her.

Talking to my partner was something that I wanted to avoid. Don't get me wrong - we can and do discuss absolutely everything, and if I couldn't find a way of reconciling it for myself, I would have done. The trouble is that it would be dragging up the most horrible of times, yet again. In many ways, it was worse for him than me. All I was dealing with was a potentially unfaithful partner, and his potential mistress. He was dealing with a partner in meltdown, a much respected and liked colleague sticking the knife in, investigations in work, a sure-fire promotion taken off him, the 'no smoke without fire' brigade and the guilt of bringing all this to our door. He went from 18 stone of muscle, to less than 14 stone in six months. He looked grey. He didn't want to go out. Someone in one in our social circle privately asked me if he had cancer. It was that bad.

Yes, she text me and asked if I fancied meeting for a coffee. This was after she'd started in her new role. I didn't think twice about it. I knew from my partner that she was having a tough time with her new boss, and I thought she just wanted to off-load to someone who was in the know, but not close enough to cause trouble. I'd even put on her leaving card to keep in touch. Everything was normal when we first met. We talked about general things, drank coffee, ate cake, even had a bit of giggle. Then she passed over some stapled sheets of paper and said 'these are the nights I spent with (partner's name). I didn't understand what she meant at first, and just flicked through them. I thought she meant trips away in the same hotel. I must have looked utterly baffled, as she said it again, but stressed the 'with', so there was no doubt. Yes, she showed me text messages on her phone. My partner signs off his messages to me in a certain way, and there it was. The messages were full of affection, telling her to be patient and saying that he would soon be with her full time. I managed to see the information on one message, and it was a different number to my partners, but after that, she put the phone back in her bag, and the bag out of reach.

The whole thing was odd. She took a calculated risk with me. I'm quite reserved by nature, and although I may want to punch someone in the face, I wouldn't do it in public. I think that if there had been an affair, it was well and truly over by that point. There was a really weird quality to it, too. She was totally detached, other than the odd smirk towards the end. It was blow, after blow, after blow, and she just didn't care. She knew what she was doing, didn't care, and even enjoyed it. I was a complete sitting target. Naturally, after the event, I thought of a million things I could have said or done, but at the time, I had nothing. If you've ever seen a bit of wildlife footage, where there is a threat, and everything runs for cover, apart from one thing that is left floundering around - that was me.

At the time, I was grateful that the colleague had said that she had form, but ultimately frustrated, as she didn't give me anything concrete. To be honest, she wasn't that young, as she was nearly 30 at the time. She had flown up the ladder, but she worked really hard and it was deserved - I can't take that away from her. My partner is very open, fun and is genuinely interested in the people around him. He expects a lot, but he gives a lot too. I would imagine that it would be very easy to think there was more to it, but he's open about our relationship, and I've never been hidden away.

I know how close a PA can be, and it has to be that way, or he/she wouldn't be able to do their job.

The power thing is a very interesting point - I didn't think about that, but it's a possibility and could fit very well indeed. The way she was when gave the gave me the 'evidence' was definitely a control thing.

With friends like that, who needs enemies! I know how you feel. I have spent many an hour plotting hideous and extreme revenge - none of which I'm capable of and probably isn't possible. As for the similar clothes and dyed hair thing, that happened to a friend of mine, but back-fired in a spectacular fashion. My friend is 6' tall, long-limbed and very graceful. The other girl is about 5'2 and plump. It was a bit like Mini-Me out of Austin Powers.

I think you're right on the screw loose, but I'll never know for sure. All I can do is move forward, and hope for the best.