Paris Metro ticket - possible proof of an affair

FBaby

I can totally understand the going into shock mode and unable to challenge what she was telling you, but out of curiosity, didn't you ever felt the urge once anger replaced shock to contact her yourself and challenged her prepared, telling her that if her intention was to hurt your OH by breaking up your relationship and she was being totally honest, surely she could come up with unequivocal evidence?

lincroft1710

Knightsuntold wrote: »

You can't give a yes or no answer to that. The closest I can get is when I found the ticket - not sure. Now I've worked it through - yes.

Then boot this ********* ticket into touch and get back to living your life. All relationships have their ups and downs, only when there are more downs should you consider breaking up.

Knightsuntold

FBaby wrote: »

I can totally understand the going into shock mode and unable to challenge what she was telling you, but out of curiosity, didn't you ever felt the urge once anger replaced shock to contact her yourself and challenged her prepared, telling her that if her intention was to hurt your OH by breaking up your relationship and she was being totally honest, surely she could come up with unequivocal evidence?

Only about a million times. It was weird. I didn't want to give her the satisfaction of humiliating me any more, or thinking that she'd won. In my head, I had a plan of finding the definitive evidence and blowing her out of the water with it. Naturally, I would be word perfect, somewhat magnificent and she would be cowering - the reality is that I'm a bit rubbish, not great with confrontation and wouldn't have been able to carry it off anyway. Once the police were involved, the matter was out of my hands. The policewoman went out of way to stress that there should be no contact or retaliation, no matter what happened. Despite the fact that everything she did was circumstantial, you could bet your bottom dollar that if we did anything, they'd have been down on us like a tonne of bricks, as we had a motive.

Knightsuntold

lincroft1710 wrote: »

Then boot this ********* ticket into touch and get back to living your life. All relationships have their ups and downs, only when there are more downs should you consider breaking up.

For 12 months there were precious few ups - we made it through that.

FBaby

Knightsuntold wrote: »

For 12 months there were precious few ups - we made it through that.

And I to hang on to that and put things into perspective. Even if he did have some sort of affair -and I am not in anyway dismissing how wrong that is-, the fact that you both showed ultimate commitment to your marriage by bearing all the pain, stress, confusion, anger, disappointment, fear etc.... to make it to the other side is surely evidence that you NOW have a strong marriage which was worth fighting for.

What you do know (or assume you do) is that in the last two years, he has shown no weaknesses, and that is what should matter.

Many marriages survive affairs and go on to be strong couple anyway. My father and wife did. They are now in their late 60s/early 70s and like love birds. It's hard to remember the time when my step-mum burned all my dad's clothes and damaged his car! In their case, they were both at fault for the state of their marriage, they decided to work through it though (to be fair, I think it was because neither of them had the energy to walk away!), but I can definitely say that they are now truly happy.

So maybe it shouldn't be able affair vs not affair any longer, but about where you both are now, and if that's happy, then that's all that matters.

Knightsuntold

FBaby wrote: »

And I to hang on to that and put things into perspective. Even if he did have some sort of affair -and I am not in anyway dismissing how wrong that is-, the fact that you both showed ultimate commitment to your marriage by bearing all the pain, stress, confusion, anger, disappointment, fear etc.... to make it to the other side is surely evidence that you NOW have a strong marriage which was worth fighting for.

What you do know (or assume you do) is that in the last two years, he has shown no weaknesses, and that is what should matter.

Many marriages survive affairs and go on to be strong couple anyway. My father and wife did. They are now in their late 60s/early 70s and like love birds. It's hard to remember the time when my step-mum burned all my dad's clothes and damaged his car! In their case, they were both at fault for the state of their marriage, they decided to work through it though (to be fair, I think it was because neither of them had the energy to walk away!), but I can definitely say that they are now truly happy.

So maybe it shouldn't be able affair vs not affair any longer, but about where you both are now, and if that's happy, then that's all that matters.

I'm 95% certain that there was no affair, but that 5% can be a biatch at times. The problem I have is understanding how someone would deliberately set out to wreck someone else's life, with no good reason. If you say 'nutter', it makes no sense to me that they could run a perfectly normal day-to-day life. That's the bit that I always have trouble understanding. So saying, I can accept it for other people, just not for someone I knew and liked.

I'll be honest, a lot of the reason I stayed in that horrendous year, was because I felt so very sorry for him, and there was not enough proof for me to finally walk away. Every time that I found something to disprove what she had said, it was like a bit of a win on the lottery. The scar was a real bonus, as it came up as a memory on social media. Once I'd seen that, it was a major piece that had fallen into place, and I was able to track back and find a lot of other pieces too. Strange times, and not good ones.

Good to hear about your father and his wife. I do think that if something like that happens, you can sort out the reasons why it did, and both accept blame, you can end up with something much stronger. When there is flat out denial and a refusal to communicate, that really complicates things.

burnoutbabe

I don't see why you can't just say "i found this in bag x the other day" wonder how that go there?"

thats not accusing him, as you did find it and did wonder why is is there. It seems not normal to not mention it at all.

Knightsuntold

burnoutbabe wrote: »

I don't see why you can't just say "i found this in bag x the other day" wonder how that go there?"

thats not accusing him, as you did find it and did wonder why is is there. It seems not normal to not mention it at all.

For the same reason I wish I'd never found it - it's what it could represent. The fact it's a Paris Metro ticket and it was found in his bag would not escape him. Even if he didn't take it as accusatory, it would mean that I was looking for an explanation from him. It also brings her, and that hideous time, back into focus, when we've worked so hard to forget.

FBaby

The problem I have is understanding how someone would deliberately set out to wreck someone else's life, with no good reason.

What is a no good reason is a very good one for someone else. There are only three versions really, she has serious MH issues that brings on madness, or she really did have an affair believing that your husband would end up with her, so when it didn't, she decided to try to hurt him as hard as she could, or for some reason, she got very angry about being moved to the other team, blamed your husband, so again felt justified to do something to get in his way as she feels he got in hers.

Every time that I found something to disprove what she had said, it was like a bit of a win on the lottery. The scar was a real bonus, as it came up as a memory on social media.

I don't want to open things up again, but I don't think this proved she was lying. It proved that there was another mean for her to know the information, but that alone doesn't discredit the fact that she could also have seen it.

Still, as I've said all the way, you've made your decision 2 years ago and I strongly believe that you need to move on regardless of whether there in 95% chance she lied or 50% or 5%.

Robisere

Mr_Toad wrote: »

I'm not belittling what you are feeling or going through but take a step back and consider the situation.

If you leave ask yourself if the next relationship will be any different, or the next?

If you're mind works in a particular way then you will always find something suspicious to worry about.

Speaking as someone who has dated a woman with trust issues it can be difficult in fact impossible.

In my case she couldn't cope with the fact that I don't have a set pattern or routine. She would have been happier if I'd been sitting behind a desk all day so she knew exactly where I was at any given time.

I don't have a routine, I do things as and when I feel like it and often on the spur of the moment, I rarely make plans.

When we were together it wasn't long before I realised that the conversation was always skirting around where I'd been, what I was doing, my reasons for being there and who I was with.

I thought I was imagining it at first so I started leaving a gap in the day when we talked and the lengths she'd go to find out what I'd been doing in that missing time!

It was worse if I didn't respond instantly to a text message or I missed a call. Yes I have a phone but I don't carry it round in my hand or even my pocket, it can spend hours in another room or it might get left in the car and I only go looking for it when I want to use it. She could never understand this, as far as she was concerned it should never leave your side in case someone wants you.

You can't make someone trust you, often the harder you try the more they think you're hiding something. What you see as kindness and trying to reassure them they see as you hiding something.

If you're with someone who would never let you down a lack of trust and suspicion is as sure way to destroy a relationship as any infidelity.

That is US!
We have been married for almost 30 years now and have almost reached an even keel. We love each other, I always say she saved my life, which was going nowhere. Second time for both of us, although my darling OH had just the one bloke before me, such a swine that he could not stop trying to get to her after we married, until I was forced to punch his lights out, much against my will. I had several relationships before meeting her, but for a long time I could not make her understand how much she meant to me. I first learned how insecure she could be, when we were dancing to an old 60's group on tour, with our married mates. I turned to a voice which called my name and saw an old gf. My OH screamed at me and walked off the floor "Don't you turn your back on me!"

I was very careful after that, to make sure she knew that I was never going to stray. I worked at it because she was worth it and I knew we were worth it. Here we are now, two great kids, four smashing grandchildren and I think she finally realises that this battered old has-been loves her enough to stay. Maybe..