Paris Metro ticket - possible proof of an affair

duchy

thorsoak wrote: »

Have you ever looked at his passport? I always check mine to confirm dates when I have been to certain places.

Not much point , passport haven't been stamped for Brits entering France for decades.

FBaby

Knightsuntold wrote: »

Yes, I made the decision to believe my partner, because there was no evidence that couldn't logically be explained. This is potential evidence. Trust me, if I'd found this ticket at the time, it would have been a whole different ballgame.

As you've said before, it's difficult to be rationale in this situation and be totally confident what constitutes absolute truth and what doesn't. Personally, what would have shaken me most are the texts she showed you, those where you say he signed off the way he normally signs them off. If that's with xxx, then fair enough, very common, something very specific and intimate would have seriously raised alarm bells for me.

You also say that she was wearing the same necklace than he had bought you when you met up with her? That would mean that she would have gone to the extent of finding a picture of it, finding out where it came from, and gone to buy it just to make you think they were having an affair?

The problem is that nothing that was put in front of you was clear cut evidence, but another woman would have interpreted the level of proof differently. You decided then that you believed him and I really do think you have to stick to that unless you ever get indisputable evidence otherwise, all you end up doing is torturing yourself.

onomatopoeia99

thorsoak wrote: »

New electronic passport, maybe - but we're talking 2+ years ago.....

Eurostar 2001, No stamp. By car on the train through the tunnel at Dover eight years ago, no stamp. Other EU countries (Denmark, Holland, Germany, Italy), no stamp. Only time I've ever had something in a passort was the US, and that was a boring green bit of paper that they stapled then pulled out when I left

Knightsuntold

Pollycat wrote: »

To me, you come across as someone who is determined that this current relationship won't work.

As I said earlier, I too was betrayed. My ex had a 18 month affair with someone he worked with.
I understand where you're coming from.
But if someone told me that my now-husband was having an affair, my first reaction wouldn't be to pack my bags.
It would be to get to the truth of the matter.

I was just trying to determine if you had double standards.
Not OK for someone not to tell you, OK for you to know of someone else's affair but say nothing.

Glad to hear you said something to your friend at least.

No, if I was someone who was determined that my current relationship won't work, I'd be gone, and not desperately trying to find a way to prove that this ticket isn't was it appears to be.

I'm sure you'll appreciate that my first reaction wasn't to pack my bags, it was to try and get to the truth of the matter, which is why I'm still sitting here two years later, only now I potentially have the evidence that wasn't available two years ago, and I have no idea if the apparent truth is the truth any more.

How is a potential double standard relevant to my situation now? Is it a case of I haven't told someone, so I deserve this? In any event, the situation is non-comparable. In my situation with my ex, it was my close social circle of friends who knew the score and said nothing - I'd known some of these people since I was 14. We were hurtling towards a wedding (which the ex was pushing for), and not one of them said a damned thing.

duchy

Knightsuntold wrote: »

Yes, I made the decision to believe my partner, because there was no evidence that couldn't logically be explained. This is potential evidence. Trust me, if I'd found this ticket at the time, it would have been a whole different ballgame.

But this isn't, You've found a ticket in a piece of communal luggage and you know one of the people who use it did go to Paris. The person claiming he went to Paris you've proved lied about travelling and staying with him on another occasion Your anniversary so logically it is far more likely they lied about Paris too.

If this was a piece of evidence in a court case it would be dismissed as the word of a proven liar when placed with the probability that it was your MILs. If the ticket is dated and you were serious about finding out you could look back to bank and credit card statements and expenses records for those dates. If he waselsewhere on those dates then you'll see transactions without exchange rate conversions. It's easy enough to get copies of old statements even if they aren't retrievable on line. You are sounding like you are talking yourself into believing he was in Paris regardless. Maybe a defence mechanism but very unfair if he wasn't. You've opened up old wounds and when that happens logic can fly out the window.

Knightsuntold

-taff wrote: »

Well, you believed she was lying when you logically worked out she was lying. Was the Paris thing before or after she said he was with her when you know he was with you?

Yes, I did believe she was lying, but I was desperately looking for proof that what she was saying was a pack of lies. The time-line was she worked with him, she tried to kiss him, she was transferred to a different office, she contacted me to meet for a coffee (I did know her, we got on well, and I didn't know that she'd tried to kiss him at that point), she told me that they'd had an affair, which included a romantic trip to Paris. I knew from social media that she'd definitely been to Paris, and the timing of that break coincided with a time when my partner was supposed to be away on business, but his contact pattern was totally different to the norm - explained at the time by phone issues and lack of decent WIFI, which I didn't question.

duchy

FBaby wrote: »

As you've said before, it's difficult to be rationale in this situation and be totally confident what constitutes absolute truth and what doesn't. Personally, what would have shaken me most are the texts she showed you, those where you say he signed off the way he normally signs them off. If that's with xxx, then fair enough, very common, something very specific and intimate would have seriously raised alarm bells for me.

You also say that she was wearing the same necklace than he had bought you when you met up with her? That would mean that she would have gone to the extent of finding a picture of it, finding out where it came from, and gone to buy it just to make you think they were having an affair?

The problem is that nothing that was put in front of you was clear cut evidence, but another woman would have interpreted the level of proof differently. You decided then that you believed him and I really do think you have to stick to that unless you ever get indisputable evidence otherwise, all you end up doing is torturing yourself.

I saw this differently my ex had an assistant who had a crush on him, she pretended she was his friend ,she had access to his mobile (like the OPs OH he was a sod for leaving it around unlocked) would offer to work late with him, knew his schedule better than he did . In these days of open plan offices , work schedules open to view on line by whole departments and the absence of anything definitive (not even a partial photo despite her obsession with taking photos of everything for Facebook ) and the series of "incidents" and a previously well thought of high flyer basically transferred and demoted it all points at a bunny boiler who made a nusience of herself. The necklace , he asked the women in the office if they thought you'd like it and she bought her own. No none of it is normal or rational but if someone is in the thrall of a crush or obsession then they aren't rational.
Maybe he was friendly to her and she misread and was devestated when he rejected her when she tried to kiss him and it triggered a whole revenge scenario (pretty humiliating to be rejected by someone you have to continue to see at work every day).

All of the above sounds more plausible than an affair , mainly because of her lie about your anniversary. If there was an affair she'd have had no reason to lie about that as she'd have genuine incidents she could have told you about instead. That lie wipes out any credibility for the rest of her tales.

NBLondon

I can see how this is tying you up in knots after being lied to in the past, being confronted by someone with major issues - so it obviously makes you look for anything that might fit a pattern - or break an established pattern. You've already talked yourself into possibilities of how the bunny boiler could have found out things to support her story and someone else has told you that she's got form...


The shirt could be a red-herring. 18.5" slim fit isn't an average size, so if he was buying one in a hurry, he might well have had to get a standard fit as that was all that there was (and I speak as a man who once forgot to pack enough shirts and had to buy one at 0900 for an 0930 meeting.) If it's not his preferred style and it was cheap he may well have now chucked it or relegated it to shoe cleaning duties.


Given the time lag - you've really got to make the decision to a) put it all aside and concentrate on what you are doing with your relationship now or b) tell your partner why you are worried and produce the ticket. Asking your MIL might not get you anywhere with anything - I suppose you could ask her if she had any leftover Metro tickets from her last trip which could get an answer of "I never went on the Metro" or "Might do - I'll have a look". (I've got two or three in my desk that are probably ten years old!)

-taff

Knightsuntold wrote: »

Yes, I did believe she was lying, but I was desperately looking for proof that what she was saying was a pack of lies. The time-line was she worked with him, she tried to kiss him, she was transferred to a different office, she contacted me to meet for a coffee (I did know her, we got on well, and I didn't know that she'd tried to kiss him at that point), she told me that they'd had an affair, which included a romantic trip to Paris. I knew from social media that she'd definitely been to Paris, and the timing of that break coincided with a time when my partner was supposed to be away on business, but his contact pattern was totally different to the norm - explained at the time by phone issues and lack of decent WIFI, which I didn't question.

So she told you she'd been to Paris at the same time she told you she'd spent your anniversary with him?

Knightsuntold

FBaby wrote: »

As you've said before, it's difficult to be rationale in this situation and be totally confident what constitutes absolute truth and what doesn't. Personally, what would have shaken me most are the texts she showed you, those where you say he signed off the way he normally signs them off. If that's with xxx, then fair enough, very common, something very specific and intimate would have seriously raised alarm bells for me.

You also say that she was wearing the same necklace than he had bought you when you met up with her? That would mean that she would have gone to the extent of finding a picture of it, finding out where it came from, and gone to buy it just to make you think they were having an affair?

The problem is that nothing that was put in front of you was clear cut evidence, but another woman would have interpreted the level of proof differently. You decided then that you believed him and I really do think you have to stick to that unless you ever get indisputable evidence otherwise, all you end up doing is torturing yourself.

Yes, the texts shook me, but I didn't look at the dates they were sent or take note of the number, other than it wasn't his, which could suggest a second phone or online. I've never found a second phone, and there are only limited places he could hide one. The thing is that my partner is always leaving his phone lying around, and I can't imagine that he'd be any different in his office. As they both have the same work phone, and he doesn't have a locking code on it, it would be easy to look at it. One thing I do know is that she didn't let me look too closely at it, and although everything else was placed on the table, she put the phone back in her bag.

The necklace is an easy one - I put a picture of it on social media on Christmas Day, as I was so made up to have it, and it's still in the box, so easy to see where it's from. It's not an expensive piece - under £50, but I'd pointed it out in a shop in September, and my partner had remembered - that was the bit that mattered.

Yes, I know another woman could well have interpreted it differently. I know plenty of women who will shove their fingers in their ears and sing 'lalalala' rather than admit to the truth, as they don't want to lose their rather nice lifestyles. I know someone else who ends every relationship before she gets too deep, such is her level of fear of getting hurt. To me, there was a lot of evidence, and well thought out, but it all of it could be explained. This ticket can't be explained either way and that's the difference.