Wedding cake

dirty_magic

I'd just tell them you're still happy to make it for them if they change their mind and leave it at that.

People get weird over weddings for some reason. I think people get carried away with the 'it's my day and no one else matters' attitude sometimes. I've heard some real horror stories, a friend of a friend is complaining that her bridesmaid isn't on a diet and she doesn't want a fat girl on the pictures!!

If my best friend made cakes I'd take her up on it just so she felt included, especially if I knew she wanted to do it. I'd rather make my friend happy than have a £500 'perfect' cake that's only going to get cut up anyway.

Callie22

The problem with anyone offering to do something for you for 'free', is that you often don't get much of a say in what you get. It can be very difficult to feel that you can ask for something different, or say that you don't like someone's ideas. People can get a bit odd about weddings and it may very well be that someone has very set ideas about what they want, and they don't feel that they can ask you for that. With family it tends to be (slightly!) easier, with friends and acquaintances it can be much trickier.

Spendless

I'll be honest, I dislike mixing people I know socially and business even if the friend is a professional.

I didn't even send my eldest to the nursery on the doorstep, because it was ran and owned by someone I went to school with and this was despite their being no issue whatsover with her and the nursery getting good reports.

The reason I don't like to do it is because IF anything goes wrong or is not to your liking, I find it much harder to bring the matter up than if it's just someone I purely have a business connection too. And in the event of a disagreement, I'd rather keep the friendship/relationship going than had a service or product provided that could have been obtained from someone else. Maybe your friend or her fiance (or one of their Mums) feel the same way.

Pollycat

Rosemary7391 wrote: »

I can't believe that anyone is that unreasonable! And it still doesn't make sense to not explain that to me if it were true. I'm not likely to be upset by randomers not liking the cake and my friend knows I'm well versed in ignoring relatives anyway. Those sorts of people probably wouldn't be satisfied with any cake/some other aspect of the wedding either.

Even the most reasonable person can 'turn' when they're planning their wedding.

Throw the bride & groom's families into the mix and Bingo!

Rosemary7391 wrote: »

I've also offered to help with anything else wedding or house move related and been turned down flat I don't even know how far through the planning they are at this stage.

Ahah!
I think there may be more to the rejection of your offer to make the cake.
Could your friend's partner be jealous of your relationship and be trying to ease you out of the picture altogether?
Could you be seen as trying too hard to help in all the arrangements?

pollypenny

I think it's down to the groom's mother. If she's a skilled cake-maker, she will either make the cake or would not be happy with someone else doing it - and getting the praise.

Valli

Maybe your friend's partner is uncomfortable with the whole idea of him having a female close friend...or even jealous. Who knows?
It's all conjecture, much as, early on in the thread the assumption was made that your friend was female.
Maybe they turned your kind offer down because you won't be invited to the wedding?

Rosemary7391

Person_one wrote: »

Ok, I'm really not trying to be harsh here, sorry in advance if it comes across that way.

Your reply above kind of shows that you are not very open to criticism or to the possibility of being wrong. You can't believe that anybody could possibly make a wedding cake better than you can, or that there could be any legitimate reason why your friends might want to pay for a cake rather than have you make one.

Is there any chance that attitude is partly to blame for them preferring not to involve you in the plans? After all, two good friends are getting married, and that they are both male in some ways makes it an even happier and more special occasion as this wouldn't have even been possible a few years ago, but your response has been to get put out about the cake and because they haven't responded to you trying to get more involved. Maybe they want to avoid any chance of you getting similarly put out and upset about something in the lead up to the wedding and on the day itself?

Bold - I'd love someone to convince me that it was reasonable because then it wouldn't hurt so much! The reality is though that I would be able to make precisely what they asked for - flavours, decorations, even mini tiers/whatever for those with various food intolerances. We couldn't even have that discussion though - it was just, you're not making it, end of.

I should say, this happened a few months ago, and I tried very hard to swallow it then for my friend's sake, so it shouldn't have affected them involving me in anything else. It's hardly unreasonable to want to help your friend celebrate, especially such a close friend.

Pollycat wrote: »

Even the most reasonable person can 'turn' when they're planning their wedding.

Throw the bride & groom's families into the mix and Bingo!


Ahah!
I think there may be more to the rejection of your offer to make the cake.
Could your friend's partner be jealous of your relationship and be trying to ease you out of the picture altogether?
Could you be seen as trying too hard to help in all the arrangements?

Perhaps - they've certainly done a good job of making me feel pushed away in the last few months.

pollypenny wrote: »

I think it's down to the groom's mother. If she's a skilled cake-maker, she will either make the cake or would not be happy with someone else doing it - and getting the praise.

I wouldn't mind if they didn't say it was my cake, although lying would be awkward for many reasons. I think what I really don't get it the lack of a reason why - that doesn't make sense to me. Why wouldn't you explain it?

I have been invited to the wedding.

Pollycat

Rosemary7391 wrote: »

Perhaps - they've certainly done a good job of making me feel pushed away in the last few months.

I can understand how hurt you feel but maybe this is going to be a new phase in your friendship and it might or might not survive.

It may depend on how forceful your friend and their partner's personalities are - and sadly, how important your friendship is.
It sounds like the partner is probably the dominant one if you've already felt pushed out.

I hope it all works out.

Lily-Rose_3

Person_one wrote: »

Ok, I'm really not trying to be harsh here, sorry in advance if it comes across that way.

Your reply above kind of shows that you are not very open to criticism or to the possibility of being wrong. You can't believe that anybody could possibly make a wedding cake better than you can, or that there could be any legitimate reason why your friends might want to pay for a cake rather than have you make one.

Is there any chance that attitude is partly to blame for them preferring not to involve you in the plans?

This crossed my mind too... I know the OP is a bit hurt, and feels offended and that she has had her baking skills slighted, but the fact is there must be a reason for them not wanting to use her for the cake, as they intend to use the partner's mother.

coolcait wrote: »

The bit in bold is your answer.

It has nothing to do with your cake-making skills, or anyone's preference for homemade versus bought. It's entirely down to the dynamics and politics within your friend's partner's family.

If the cake isn't made by the partner's mum, then it will not be made by any other person who might be at the wedding. You may have had a lucky escape! Against those attitudes and dynamics, the best cake in the world would be found wanting by some...

Ask your friend if there is some other way that you can help and support her with the wedding. I suspect that she may have need it.

You may have a point. And if it was me I wouldn't be making any more effort; I will make some effort with people, but if they appear to be pushing me away, and not really bothering to make an equal effort, then, I won't stay around to continue to be treated like a second rate citizen; I am worth more than that.

And although I said earlier that it looks like they want a professional cake, if the partner is saying 'only MY mother can make it, and no-one else,' then it seems it isn't just about having it professionally made; they just don't want the OP to make it. Why? I don't know. She needs to ask them.

Rosemary7391 wrote: »

I should say, this happened a few months ago, and I tried very hard to swallow it then for my friend's sake, so it shouldn't have affected them involving me in anything else. It's hardly unreasonable to want to help your friend celebrate, especially such a close friend.

they've certainly done a good job of making me feel pushed away in the last few months.


.

Now this is new information. You didn't mention this earlier. Could it be that your friend's partner is a wee bit jealous of your friendship? Or maybe your friend is just getting close to his partner's family and is finding himself less interested in maintaining contact with you. This does happen when people get new partners or new friends; old friends get pushed out. It's not personal, but it does happen. Looks like this may be happening here... You need to get your friend alone and talk to him about this. (If his partner will let him see you on his own!)

Rosemary7391 wrote: »

Thanks for the replies everyone. In the interests of not repeating things I'm trying to select comments to reply to that all have different things to say, but all your thoughts are much appreciated

I'm amused by the number of people inventing extra women involved - I'm female, but both friend and friend's partner are male

To be fair, no-one could have known that from your first post. You didn't mention anyone's gender at all in your first post. It's not important, and it doesn't matter, but that is probably the reason people assumed it was a man and a woman, because it usually is. And I think apart from people 'inventing' a wife when it was actually a husband, no-one has 'invented' any extra women.

LilElvis

Rosemary7391 wrote: »

Perhaps - they've certainly done a good job of making me feel pushed away in the last few months.

I think you're taking this way too personally. They're moving home and planning a wedding - starting a new phase of their lives together. It's totally normal if they are enjoying this time in their own little bubble of happiness and are concentrating on themselves. I bet you're not the only friend who is less involved in their lives than they once were.