Am I just an 'old fashioned' thinker

catkins

barbarawright wrote: »

Maybe the teenagers weren't actually consulted before the invitation was accepted on their behalf.

The OP says the teenagers knew a few days beforehand that they were meant to be going

barbarawright wrote: »

Really? I wouldn't go out to dinner if I'd made a prior arrangement and wouldn't expect anyone to cancel to see me. They're old enough to have their own social lives and they may have good reasons for not wanting to go

Surely if they had made previous arrangements they could have said that before the OP went to the trouble of getting food in for them?

So they both had good reasons for not wanting to go did they? Also neither of them could be bothered or had the manners to say they couldn't make it although I am sure it was not a case of "couldn't".

I think the teenagers are rude and ill mannered and if I were their mother I would not let them get away with it.

Why make excuses for yet more ignorant children that haven't been brought up properly?

swingaloo

Person_one wrote: »

I actually thought the same when I read the OP. She said the niece was a 'fussy eater' so she made her a veggie meal, well, if she describes her niece's legitimate and not particularly unusual choice to be vegetarian as 'fussy' then perhaps a clue why niece is not too keen to go?

Sorry, I clearly put this wrong. I didnt mean she was fussy because she is a veggie. My son is a vegetarian but not fussy. This one is fussy because everything has to be 'just so' and every element of a meal has to be different for her. Always been the same, the other kids would have pop, she would want some tropical concoction which was 3 times the price, certain foods must not be next to each other on the plate etc.

As for them coming, it was at my sisters request not mine. She was trying to get them together as a sociable family thing. As it turned out the niece actually had a change of heart and decided to come after all.

Spendless

I'm quite happy to say my vegetarian daughter is fussy. She was always a faddy eater, becoming veggie didn't make her less so! I think her initial plan was to be a vegetarian that didn't eat vegetables. It's taken 6 months of trial and error before we've got to a place where we actually know her likes/dislikes. So I do understand where the OP is coming from, you couldn't 'just' rustle up a nut cutlet for my DD, she doesn't like them. The host aimed to suit her nieces taste so went out to get something she'd enjoy.

midnightraven3

swingaloo wrote: »

Today they have been invited to ours for a Sunday roast at tea time. She had actually asked if they could come as she wanted to have a 'family Sunday' rather than the daughter disappearing for the day God knows where and the son sitting in his room on the Playstation or wandering the streets.


Just had a message left on my phone to say that sis will be coming on her own as the daughter wants to see her friends and has made arrangements and the son (15) is going out with his girlfriend

So your sister ASKED for them to be invited, so they werent out with friends/out with girlfriend, and then let them do exactly that. Your sister is at fault. She made the arrangements, she should have checked they were willing to come. She has zero control over a 14 year old girl/ Rod/back springs to mind

swingaloo

orangesandapples wrote: »

Maybe the young person doesn't wish to be in an environment where her perfectly normal dietry choices are singled out and up for criticism. Both you and the OP are coming off quite rude and judgemental.

Perhaps you should read the post properly. Ive always been very close to both kids, we holiday together and have a good relationship on the whole. Her dietry choices are not 'singled out' I just commented that I had gone to a particular effort to get and prepare something she would enjoy.

But these are 2 kids who treat their mother in the most appalling and disrespectful way. Mainly because she has been very quick to let them have their own way all their lives and is now paying the price.
They were given notice that she wanted them to come and only said no at the last minute after agreeing they would.

Respect is a two way thing and the way they speak to their mum is awful, not just the usual teenage hormones, its far worse than that. She is actually frightened of them at times.

I try to help her but also be there for the kids. Their dad left when they were young and went to live overseas so they have not always had an easy ride. Im not the fussy auntie, they will call in when passing on the way home from school sometimes and just have a chat and a drink but they really know how to play mum.

When they call at ours they are both delightful and polite but at home the house is like a battleground most of the time. Ive talked to them both individually to try to get an idea of whats behind it all but all I get from each of them is that the other one 'gets on my nerves' and as for rules and boundaries its 'why should I'.

She has tried all kinds of things, no spending money, privileges, lifts to wherever, no ironing done, no lunches packed, removing internet, tv, mobiles but they just laugh at her.

I dont know who I feel most annoyed at, them for behaving that way or sis for allowing it to go on for so long that its now 2nd nature.
Im not trying to be judgemental, its not like that at all. It just really upsets me that things have got to the stage they have and I see 2 kids who are not happy unless they are getting their own way and one upset mum all the time.

The whole thing is a minefield - a recent conversation I heard was when she asked the son to put the bins out (2 of them)
The answer- 'Ok but its 50p each if i do'.
When she refused he simply said 'Ok, they can stay there then' and refused to do them.
After a couple of seconds being speechless I asked him why on earth he would charge his mother for giving her 2 minutes help.
His reply to that was 'Why not, she gets paid when she goes to work, why should I do something for nothing'.

But, if he came to my house and I asked him to do the same thing he would just do it willingly. Its a constant battle between them and mum.
It would be funny if it wasnt so ridiculous and making them all so unhappy. There is so much conflict. Thats why she wanted them to come to us for a meal so maybe there could be a bit of light hearted chit chat without all the back biting.

anotheruser

swingaloo wrote: »

...and the son (15) is going out with his girlfriend.

With the parent out, I would guess he'll be having his GF over for a bit of you know what...

no1catman

For Christmas for your sister - see if you can find a DVD set of Supernanny!

FBaby

The whole thing is a minefield - a recent conversation I heard was when she asked the son to put the bins out (2 of them)
The answer- 'Ok but its 50p each if i do'.
When she refused he simply said 'Ok, they can stay there then' and refused to do them.
After a couple of seconds being speechless I asked him why on earth he would charge his mother for giving her 2 minutes help.
His reply to that was 'Why not, she gets paid when she goes to work, why should I do something for nothing'.

My DS tried that one with me once. Not bins, but very similar. He got in response a long and loud lecture that he wasn't entitled to walk away from! It was much longer and painful to listen to than having to do what I'd asked them to do.

My kids are lazy and entitled when it comes to helping around the house. To be fair, I was a bit like that too at their age, just not as bad! However, on the other end, they have never given me any grief over school, always do their homework on time without prompting, will go even when they are poorly, and work very hard. Can't have it all.

That doesn't mean that they get away with their attitude though. I think the problem with not knowing how to respond when they have become too old to be put in the naughty corner is when you've failed to make them believe that you'll be prepared to do anything if needed. I'm stubborn and strong-minded, so my kids know that if they challenge me, I will not back down no matter what. They naturally try to push the boundaries, but when they take it too far, they normally know to back down before it escalates because they will no win the battle.

The problem is that battling with your kids is exhausting, so many capitulate because they 'can't be bothered'. Then the kids learn that if they keep pushing they will get their way so they keep pushing and have lost all respect for authority in the process.

duchy

The bin thing is easy. The next time he wants a lift, clothes washed, etc a big smile and a reminder she isn't paid to do these things so isn't doing it.

As a good sister you should be backing her and following the same route of course.

securityguy

"Her dietry choices are not 'singled out' I just commented that I had gone to a particular effort to get and prepare something she would enjoy."

Yeah. Just in case the scroll wheel on your mouse is broken, you actually said "The daughter is a fussy eater".

I