Sticking with one child?

chelseablue

Hope this isn't too much of a taboo to ask about!


Currently have one son, who is 2 years old.


I keep debating in my head when/if to have another child.


Currently childcare fees are £760 a month, although this will drastically reduce from next September when the 30 hours a week funding for 3 and 4 year olds starts.


From a selfish point of view Im happy with one, when the childcare fees reduce we'll be a lot better off and can start doing all the big jobs that need doing on the house, get married, replace my old banger of a car.


On the other hand I would feel sad about my son being an only child, I know he would (hopefully!) have friends at school but its nothing like having a brother or sister.

onlyroz

What does your partner think?


As for getting married, what's stopping you if you want to? Weddings don't have to be huge lavish affairs.


We had a 3.5 year gap between our two so that the period when they were both in nursery would be short (in the end they overlapped by about 3 months). This greatly helped with spreading the costs of childcare.


In any case, I'm not sure you're going to get a definitive answer suitable for your own unique circumstances by asking strangers on the internet for advice.


PS - don't assume that your kids will get along. My own two fight and squabble non-stop 24/7, which can get extremely wearing. I also wasn't especially close to my own brother when we were kids - we didn't particularly fight, but we generally kept to ourselves. If you imagine that you are going to raise two best buddies then you might be in for a shock.

missbiggles1

chelseablue wrote: »

Hope this isn't too much of a taboo to ask about!


Currently have one son, who is 2 years old.


I keep debating in my head when/if to have another child.


Currently childcare fees are £760 a month, although this will drastically reduce from next September when the 30 hours a week funding for 3 and 4 year olds starts.


From a selfish point of view Im happy with one, when the childcare fees reduce we'll be a lot better off and can start doing all the big jobs that need doing on the house, get married, replace my old banger of a car.


On the other hand I would feel sad about my son being an only child, I know he would (hopefully!) have friends at school but its nothing like having a brother or sister.

If you (and presumably your husband) are happy with just one then stop there.

Everybody's experiences are different but there are plenty of us only children who were happy that way and plenty of people with siblings who dislike each other intensely.

There's no guarantee that siblings will even get on, much less enjoy playing together - they'll be siblings not clones.

Person_one

chelseablue wrote: »

From a selfish point of view Im happy with one

I think that's your answer.

Having a child for any reason other than the fact that you really really want to, is probably not the best idea. There are loads and loads of only children who have grown up to be happy, well-adjusted, sociable adults.

chelseablue

Very good points, thank you! It helps putting thoughts down and getting others thoughts.


Good point about siblings not getting on! I have a brother who is 5 years younger than me, we used to fight when we were younger too!


We get on great now, when we see each other. But we don't call each other just for a chat.


My Mum has 2 sisters, and she only recently started talking to one of them after not having spoken to each other for 10 years

MallyGirl

I chose to stop at 1.
My brother and I did not get on growing up - my Mum ending up sleeping on a sofa bed in the living room for several years so that we did not have to share a bedroom. We can be friendly enough now but have nothing in common and do not see each other except at family events which are rare.
We have been able to give our DD many opportunities that we would not have been able to afford for 2. She is a lovely, well rounded teen who is very appreciative of what she has been able to enjoy. There were times when she was little that she missed having a sibling, and as parents we had to make up that gap during weekends/holidays, but now she has fantastic friends she has chosen.

AylesburyDuck

chelseablue wrote: »

Hope this isn't too much of a taboo to ask about!


Currently have one son, who is 2 years old.


I keep debating in my head when/if to have another child.


Currently childcare fees are £760 a month, although this will drastically reduce from next September when the 30 hours a week funding for 3 and 4 year olds starts.


From a selfish point of view Im happy with one, when the childcare fees reduce we'll be a lot better off and can start doing all the big jobs that need doing on the house, get married, replace my old banger of a car.


On the other hand I would feel sad about my son being an only child, I know he would (hopefully!) have friends at school but its nothing like having a brother or sister.

Not to sway you either way, i am an only child and never felt loney, never felt the need of a brother or sister. If fact watching my friends argue with siblings i thought to myself, thank god i never have that.
I have 4 kids myself, and now they are older they all get on great (range from 16-22) and i'm glad they all have a fairly close relationship, but when they were younger OMG, your not a mother you're a referee.

chelseablue

Thank you for sharing.


He does have cousins, in fact my partners brother also has a son who was born just 4 months after ours, so he wont grow up just surrounded by adults.


I think at the moment I'm just looking forward to the childcare cost reducing (Sounds bad I know but this is a money saving site)


I might change my mind when he's out of nappies and in school
Although for example when he's 6, I'll be 37 so might be too old anyway!

FBaby

Just to give another perspective, even though I agree with all the above posts, I had a second almost purely for the reason of wanting to give my DD a sibling because I myself missed having one very much. In my case, it is because my parents divorced and had issues with step-parents, moving houses too often, constantly feeling that I had to adjust to change and I used to miss so much not having someone who experienced the same life upheavals who understood and who I could share my sorrow with.

When I agreed to have a second (my partner was very keen), I was quite anxious and didn't feel broody. My DD had been very hard work as a baby and I had just about recovered from the worse of it. The idea of going through it again left me in sweat. That added to the fact that stopping working or working part-time wasn't an option, and as you say the costs of childcare for another 5 years + put me off.

Ironically, nature maybe did its bit because it didn't happen for months (when fell pregnant very quickly with DD) and it's as the months went by without a blue line that the broodiness kicked in and by the time I did get pregnant, I had turned it into a mission!

I did find it hard, even harder than I had anticipated and I will admit that I cried a few times in frustration and exhaustion regretting my choice. I did fall in love with my DS immediately though and inevitably, the hardest part got easier. He is now a grumpy teenager who I adore and can't imagine life without him. The idea that I could have not had him is what sends in in sweat now!

To add to it, when I decided to go ahead, I also hoped very much that I would have another DD because I assumed that would be a closer relationship with eldest DD and because I felt more in tune with girls but the second I found out it was a boy I was over the moon. As for the relationship between DD and DS, they are no closer siblings. From the moment he was born they developed a special bond and even though they are both argumentative, their arguments are extremely rare.

I wouldn't never say that you should go ahead and have another because for me it was the best decision I could have made so it would be for you, but it provides another perspective.

warby68

I'm an only child who hated it, still does and moved heaven and earth to have 2 of my own. Another consequence of being the only child is that I now have 100% responsibility for a rather difficult elderly mum and have done since my dad died relatively young. Even now I'm older I still resent her for this. Hard to admit and I feel bad for it but its the truth.

jayII

We have two, I'd have loved more, but it wasn't financially viable. Ours are also one boy and one girl and they've always been as thick as thieves. There is only 18 months between them. They're in their 20's now and still get on really well, though DS does like to tease his rather hot tempered younger sister and she likes to (try to) boss him around. I stay out of the way when the sparks fly! :eek: :rotfl:

It was tough when they were young, but I couldn't imagine life without either of my children.

Both OH and I argued a lot with our siblings, but then both his and my parents argued/fought non-stop throughout our childhoods, so it's not surprising that their children learnt only to argue with each other.