Sticking with one child?

Lily-Rose_3

jayII wrote: »

People often feel threatened by things they see as 'different' to their own choices, especially if they are feeling tired and overwhelmed. Plus, 'spoilt only child' has become a bit of a habitual comment in UK society.

To be fair, there's no question that a small number of only children are very spoilt, purely because their parents desperately wanted more children and invested all that unused emotion in their only chick. It does nobody any favours.

We'e going to have to agree to differ on that I'm afraid. Out of all the 'only' children I know; none of them are any more 'spoilt' than the children I know with siblings. Indeed, several friends of mine who have 2 and 3 kids each, have spoilt them far more than me and my husband have ever spoilt our daughter.

Yes we did buy her a reasonable amount of stuff in her childhood for birthdays and Christmases, but she was definitely no more spoilt than any child who had siblings. In fact, as I said, some children I knew with siblings often had more material things than her.

So I don't agree with the 'only children are spoilt' old chestnut. Maybe many years ago they were, and this is where this assumption comes from; but it's certainly not true these days anyway, in my opinion and in my experience. And I get sick to death of the spiteful remarks and sweeping generalisations about 'only' children, from people who often know nothing about them!

Kynthia

Even though I barely know any children without siblings and I myself am having a second child, I get annoyed with the assumption that it's always better to have more than one for the child's sake. Some people act like it's a terrible thing to do to a child when there are actually terrible things parents can do and there are loads of people who've not had a good childhood with a sibling (bullying, favouratism, seperate lives, etc). There's no guarantee that siblings will get on, in childhood or adulthood, and no guarantee that both will share the load when the parents are elderly. I would imagine that parents of an only child would make more effort to ensure the child has close friends and spends lots of time with other children, such as cousins. Then that child probably benefits from there being more money around for holidays, education, private space, living in a better area, etc, and their parents have more time to do fun things with them, help with their homework, listen to them and give support, etc.

No one can say whether an individual would have been better off with siblings or not as the other option is a complete unknown in their specific case. So all you can do as a parent is make the best choice for you and your family.

dirty_magic

I'm an only child and I don't love it or hate it, it is what it is! I used to want a sibling when I was younger, but it doesn't bother me now. It doesn't necessarily guarantee anything anyway, I know a lot of siblings who hardly ever see each other because they don't get on or they don't really have anything in common.

I was spoilt growing up in that I always got a lot of presents, probably more so by my grandparents because I'm also the only grandchild.

I was brought up not to ask for things though. I never ask for anything now and I don't expect help. I didn't expect them to buy me my first car, I saved to buy it myself, and I didn't ask for any help with a house deposit. They did give us some when we bought our house, but they didn't tell us until after we'd saved the deposit. I think my parents knew that whatever I asked for I'd get from my grandparents, they were probably worried I'd come back with a pony one day or something!

Pollycat

onlyroz wrote: »

PS - don't assume that your kids will get along. My own two fight and squabble non-stop 24/7, which can get extremely wearing. I also wasn't especially close to my own brother when we were kids - we didn't particularly fight, but we generally kept to ourselves. If you imagine that you are going to raise two best buddies then you might be in for a shock.

This ^^^

I've never got on with my sister (4 years younger than me) and we. have spent a lot of our almost 60 years on earth together not speaking.

OTOH, I'm very close to my half sister.

DigForVictory

As oldest of 3 girls, and mother of 3 boys, with a heaving passel of cousins, I quite like biggish families - you get so much more wear out of all your baby & toddler stuff.
After a decade, you do wonder if cooking in a dustbin would save time as the male teenage metabolism seems to need 6 square meals a day.

Me, I think several children are more moneysaving than just one, but that's my opinion. Do what works for you!

warby68

I posted because I know I'm at one extreme.

Clearly others loved their only child status.

And someone has even said they're not overly bothered (which I haven't come across before)

Others have shown that families are unpredictable and there are no guarantees that any particular family size/makeup ends up better than another.

Back to OP, you have to do what feels right for you, as a couple and as a family but accept that none of it comes with guarantees. Also, you can always decide not to decide for now as well - see if you still feel the same in another 12m.

DevilsAdvocate1

Lily-Rose wrote: »

We'e going to have to agree to differ on that I'm afraid. Out of all the 'only' children I know; none of them are any more 'spoilt' than the children I know with siblings. Indeed, several friends of mine who have 2 and 3 kids each, have spoilt them far more than me and my husband have ever spoilt our daughter.

Yes we did buy her a reasonable amount of stuff in her childhood for birthdays and Christmases, but she was definitely no more spoilt than any child who had siblings. In fact, as I said, some children I knew with siblings often had more material things than her.

So I don't agree with the 'only children are spoilt' old chestnut. Maybe many years ago they were, and this is where this assumption comes from; but it's certainly not true these days anyway, in my opinion and in my experience. And I get sick to death of the spiteful remarks and sweeping generalisations about 'only' children, from people who often know nothing about them!

I'm an only child and think rather than being spolit only children often have more responsibility and more pressure is put upon them to do well or to do what the parent thinks they should do.

When I was only 8 years old, my gran would tell me her problems as though I was an adult. I found it difficult to make friends with children because I had no confidence around people my own age. School was very uncomfortable as I felt much happier in the company of people who were older than me.

Some people thought I was being snooty, others that I was spoilt and thought myself above them. But really it was a lack of confidence around people my own age. Bizarrely, I got on well with children a three or four years younger, just struggled with my own age group.

So next time you see an only child and assume she is spoilt, just have a think because it might be that they are lacking in confidence.

Brokeattheminute

My wife had a child at 31 34 and 37 found a 3yr gap great less expensive as childcare is cheaper as by time 2nd child was born 1st child was in pre-school.Def didnt want just 1 child but was happy with 2 as 1st was a boy and 2nd was a girl but wife wanted another child so we had another girl when she was nearly 38.

piglet74

I always wanted four children, then I had one and stopped!

I had bad PND, and by the time I felt I was ready to do it again, I also felt too old, too big of a gap etc

My daughter is now 18, and is a pleasure to be around ( most of the time!)

jayII

Lily-Rose wrote: »

We'e going to have to agree to differ on that I'm afraid. Out of all the 'only' children I know; none of them are any more 'spoilt' than the children I know with siblings. Indeed, several friends of mine who have 2 and 3 kids each, have spoilt them far more than me and my husband have ever spoilt our daughter.

Yes we did buy her a reasonable amount of stuff in her childhood for birthdays and Christmases, but she was definitely no more spoilt than any child who had siblings. In fact, as I said, some children I knew with siblings often had more material things than her.

So I don't agree with the 'only children are spoilt' old chestnut. Maybe many years ago they were, and this is where this assumption comes from; but it's certainly not true these days anyway, in my opinion and in my experience. And I get sick to death of the spiteful remarks and sweeping generalisations about 'only' children, from people who often know nothing about them!

I don't know why you're focussing on material posessions, since defining 'spoilt' as owning things/toys, really is a generalisation. A child can have all the possessions in the world, but to me all that really counts is how they behave towards their family and other people.

I know a few only children who most definitely are spoilt, in that they just need to shout or sulk long enough and their parents give in to them, be it to do with bed times, being given 'things' or having their own way in some other fashion. It seems to be much easier to 'spoil' a child when you do not have other children to consider. Nothing to do with stereotypes, merely my personal observations.

Equally, I know many children, both onlys and in bigger families, who are being brought up to be polite, respectful and considerate people.