Forum Member Passed Away - A Cautionary Tale

harrys_nan

Oh Amysdad, I am so sorry for your loss,please don't beat yourself up. I know it's easy for us to say that to you, we didn't walk in your shoes.
She clearly didn't listen to anyone and I do not see what else you could have done for her. Please try not to be too angry with her, some people just can't/will not try and help themselves.

Nomoonatall

Amysdad70 wrote: »

I am sorry to say that my wife of 22 years, and forum member, Madjock passed away on May 16th 2016.

She was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes almost 20 years ago and had terrible sugar control. It was as though she was sticking 2 fingers up to diabetes. In the beginning everyone told her what would happen, and it did. The complications worsened and ranged from issues with her feet, eyes, legs, bowels, and digestion. She had 4 strokes and finally succumbed due to diabetic ketoacidosis.

I feel guilty for saying this but for the last few years she was awful to live with. She flatly ignored all advice, help and support and continued to eat high sugar foods and smoke. She was beligerent, aggressive and pushed everyone away. I tried my hardest to get her to stop and take it seriously, so eventually she was smoking and eating chocolate in secret. She refused any offers of psychological help and the thing that I will have to live with is that I left her in January. I could not take any more or watch her kill herself. Everyone hoped that it would make her take care of herself but it didn't.

I thought that everyone would think that I was the worst person imaginable, but everyone understood. When I look back now, after the post mortem results and evidence in the house, she essentially committed suicide. She was smoking 60+ a day at the end after having 4 strokes. Who does that? There were piles of chocolate wrappers and empty yoghurt drink bottles everywhere. Every doctor told her that her next cigarette could be the last thing she ever did. They were right.

She gave up her job in 2014 because she did not want to be answerable to anyone. I told her at the time that it was unrealistic because we are all answerable to someone. But eventually, she got her wish. You cannot argue with Diabetes.

RIP

I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't want to turn this thread into 'me', but I went through a very similar thing not so long ago.

Some people just won't accept the rubbish card that they've been dealt. I actually can't say that I blame them. It really is far easier to ignore horrible stuff in your life. Sadly, they forget the impact on the ones left behind.

I hope that you find peace and remember the good times...they did exist, honest. x

gettingtheresometime

My mum is a diabetic but she is ultra careful about what she eats, taking her melds & going for check-ups.

However what really grinds her gears is that if we go out for a meal, when it comes to dessert she almost all the time has to pass as there's nothing suitable to eat. Even when we've especially notified the restuarant in advance so they have chance to cater for her they fail to do so.

As mum says, allergies and intolerances are catered for but it seems diabetics arent

baby_lemonade

Did they post as

madjock

then

madjock1

by any chance?

[Deleted User]

gettingtheresometime wrote: »

My mum is a diabetic but she is ultra careful about what she eats, taking her melds & going for check-ups.

However what really grinds her gears is that if we go out for a meal, when it comes to dessert she almost all the time has to pass as there's nothing suitable to eat. Even when we've especially notified the restuarant in advance so they have chance to cater for her they fail to do so.

As mum says, allergies and intolerances are catered for but it seems diabetics arent

I've been a diabetic for 48 years. When I was a child, I used to hate not being able to eat chocolates, sweets and deserts. But now I'm nearly grown up I hate how I feel when my blood sugar is too high, so it doesn't bother me.., I have to eat carbohydrates quite carefully even though a type one diabetic. Knowing how you'll feel makes a pud less pleasurable.., and no one died from not having puds lol. There's plenty of things I can eat freely that I enjoy. A diabetic diet is actually a very healthy diet that everyone should eat lol.

But if your mother is on insulin, she can adjust her quick acting insulin dose to allow her to eat a desert if she really wants to. Or (only really useful at home), eat pudding later when her blood sugar is back down again after eating (a brisk after dinner walk always helps)!

I also wonder if she could take a suitable desert with her and quietly ask the restaurant to serve it?

gettingtheresometime

deannatrois wrote: »

I've been a diabetic for 48 years. When I was a child, I used to hate not being able to eat chocolates, sweets and deserts. But now I'm nearly grown up I hate how I feel when my blood sugar is too high, so it doesn't bother me.., I have to eat carbohydrates quite carefully even though a type one diabetic. Knowing how you'll feel makes a pud less pleasurable.., and no one died from not having puds lol. There's plenty of things I can eat freely that I enjoy. A diabetic diet is actually a very healthy diet that everyone should eat lol.

But if your mother is on insulin, she can adjust her quick acting insulin dose to allow her to eat a desert if she really wants to. Or (only really useful at home), eat pudding later when her blood sugar is back down again after eating (a brisk after dinner walk always helps)!

I also wonder if she could take a suitable desert with her and quietly ask the restaurant to serve it?

Tbh we've never thought of taking our own dessert - perhaps if we did and they kicked off then that would be an ideal opportunity to point out to them that if they sold diabetic friendly desserts then she'd quite happily buy one!

I agree that no one ever died from not eating a dessert but going for a meal is a social thing - to have it curtailed because of ignorance is a bit gauling.

FBaby

Amysdad, I think it is very refreshing to read such an honest post. The reality is that loving someone is often hard. It is obvious that you it is because you loved your wife so much that you feel such utter frustration that she didn't love herself as much so that she would have wanted to take actions to have more years to spend with you and the rest of her family.

I can so understand how you feel, but that's because we are of the mindset that we have good self-control and therefore in charge of our body and mind. If we are doing harm to ourselves, then it is second nature that we should change our habits to look after ourselves because we value the body we've been given.

Not everyone, actually, many don't have that mindset. The vast majority take their body for granted until they get to an age when they start paying for having neglected it for many years. They abuse it but think it is ok because they don't face the consequences right away. Then you have people who are aware of what they are doing to their body, or become so, but have made the mental choice to make the best of it when they can whilst accepting the consequences.

It sounds like that's where your wife stood. My dad's wife, SM is exactly like that. She is a time bomb in every way, only 63, but when I talked to her about it, she says that when her time comes, her time comes. It doesn't frighten her much at all. She is very religious and has convinced herself that she she does, she will be with her mum again, so death doesn't frightened her. Sometimes it must hit her because she will suddenly decide to go on a diet or cut down on her smoking, usually after she's seen a specialist, but it never last, and my poor dad has to watch helplessly knowing that there is a high chance that all the great time they share together will come to an end sooner rather than later.

Anger is part of the grieving process and in your case, it is anger turned towards her not doing enough to have more time with you. It is heartbreaking and I'm sorry you're going through this. Hopefully the anger will go soon and you will be able to remember the wonderful wife she was rather than focus on the stubborn one and even respect that in the end, it was her choice to live her life as she wished, and if that meant enjoying some things that made her feel good even knowing it was going to shorter her life, she was still entitled to make that choice.

harrys_nan

FBaby,
That was a lovely post.

GwylimT

For some people eating as they wish is more important than reaching retirement.

It doesn't however help that diabetes specialists are still advising people to eat large portions of carbs or suggesting baked beans are suitable.

Sagaris

So sorry to hear about your wife.

You could have been writing that post about my sister - she was exactly the same. I think some diabetics have a self destruct button - I know a few others who have done the same.

Please take time to look after yourself now - you did all you could, but sometimes some people just don't want to be helped - not your fault at all, you did your best.

Take care.