Forum Member Passed Away - A Cautionary Tale

onlyroz

My granddad died of complications arising from diabetes (he ultimately died from a foot infection after having an amputation). He absolutely refused to modify his diet, and my grandmother was too weary to try and stop him from eating the sweet things that were killing him. My mum always considered his death to be suicide.

There was also a problem with other people refusing to help, e.g. continuing to buy him sweets and chocolate for birthday and Christmas even when my mum had specifically asked them not to.

FBaby

baby_lemonade wrote: »

Good points made by all, but I'm not sure that starting/writing a thread about someone who is no longer around to defend herself is the right thing to do..

Why? It is OP's thread, he can write what he wants and if posts can help him and others, I don't see what is wrong about it.

Posters say things about people who are not around to defend themselves all the time. This is not about them, it is about the poster.

Wizard_of_Id

DUTR wrote: »

I lost a brother to diabetes a few years back, Diabetes is only really bad if the patient is not able to control it. It doesn't mean not eating sweet stuff, there are many non diabetics that suddenly become experts. Anything in moderation.

I am diabetic (type 2) and I eat virtually anything I want at any given time, the only proviso being that if I want to eat something that will push my sugar level to the limits then I need to cut other stuff out accordingly to keep my system in balance.

It is the same with trying to lose weight, I need to keep eating so that I keep my levels in balance but I also need to eat less to lose weight, it is a constant juggling act.

I am having to lose weight because of a seperate digestive problem and I am finding that I have been able to reduce the amount of insulin that I am injecting in conjuction with my reduced food intake and increased activity level. This has led to some interesting afternoons when I have misjudged things and ended up having a hypo and suddenly needing to find my glucose tablets to get me back to the land of the living again :eek:

DUTR

Wizard_of_Id wrote: »

I am diabetic (type 2) and I eat virtually anything I want at any given time, the only proviso being that if I want to eat something that will push my sugar level to the limits then I need to cut other stuff out accordingly to keep my system in balance.

It is the same with trying to lose weight, I need to keep eating so that I keep my levels in balance but I also need to eat less to lose weight, it is a constant juggling act.

I am having to lose weight because of a seperate digestive problem and I am finding that I have been able to reduce the amount of insulin that I am injecting in conjuction with my reduced food intake and increased activity level. This has led to some interesting afternoons when I have misjudged things and ended up having a hypo and suddenly needing to find my glucose tablets to get me back to the land of the living again :eek:

I'm type 2 too, just diet control for me, just watching the processed foods I eat and snacking on natural foods was the way for me (he says as he sips a home made milkshake, Hbac1 under 5 at the last checkup :cool:

baby_lemonade

FBaby wrote: »

Why? It is OP's thread, he can write what he wants and if posts can help him and others, I don't see what is wrong about it.

Posters say things about people who are not around to defend themselves all the time. This is not about them, it is about the poster.

I usually start from the assumption that nobody wants to be ill, and that none of us (even anonymous posters on an internet forum ) are perfect. And that people shouldn't slate others who are not around to give their side of the story.

Sorry if that's controversial on here.

DUTR

baby_lemonade wrote: »

I usually start from the assumption that nobody wants to be ill, and that none of us (even anonymous posters on an internet forum ) are perfect. And that people shouldn't slate others who are not around to give their side of the story.

Sorry if that's controversial on here.

I agree nobody wants to be ill, I saw the opening post as someone greiving, folk deal with a similar situation in different ways.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

baby_lemonade wrote: »

I think that a lot of the comments and sentiments being expressed are a personal attack on someone who is no longer here to tell their side of the story.

It doesn't matter. The person is dead, so it can't hurt them in the slightest.

The OP can't exactly say these things to the rest of the family or at the funeral, can he? But he needs to say them, so this is the safest place possible, as the family won't be upset by them.


The alternative would be to get grief counselling, but that would take time when the feelings are here now.

I'm glad the OP posted and think I understand why he needs to do this.




OP, I'm sorry you've been through this. I sympathise and hope that the rawness of your feelings abates soon, so you can find some good, comforting memories to hold close.

baby_lemonade

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

It doesn't matter. The person is dead, so it can't hurt them in the slightest.

The OP can't exactly say these things to the rest of the family or at the funeral, can he? But he needs to say them, so this is the safest place possible, as the family won't be upset by them.


The alternative would be to get grief counselling, but that would take time when the feelings are here now.

I'm glad the OP posted and think I understand why he needs to do this.


OP, I'm sorry you've been through this. I sympathise and hope that the rawness of your feelings abates soon, so you can find some good, comforting memories to hold close.

It's not about hurting them, it's about having some respect!

I know this board is used by people (bored women, mainly) for getting stuff off their chest (real or imaginary!) and for bleating about their in-laws , so be it.

But most normal people deal with pain and bereavement without slating someone they supposedly loved all over the internet. This is not a "safe place" as you put it - it's a public website which can be seen by anyone anywhere in the world.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

baby_lemonade wrote: »

It's not about hurting them, it's about having some respect!

I know this board is used by people (bored women, mainly) for getting stuff off their chest (real or imaginary!) and for bleating about their in-laws , so be it.

But most normal people deal with pain and bereavement without slating someone they supposedly loved all over the internet. This is not a "safe place" as you put it - it's a public website which can be seen by anyone anywhere in the world.

The Dead don't need to be lifted to saintly status. They were human beings like anybody else, good, bad, gentle, selfish, wise or foolish. It does nobody any good to pretend to ignore that when they've got to deal with their bereavement - or to be criticised for not grieving in the 'right' way. I'd far rather if anybody were to speak of me after my death that they described me as the person I was, rather than a heavily sanitised version to keep up appearances. In particular, if I were to behave unpleasantly towards my OH for any period of time to leave him feeling like the OP, I'd want him to talk about it, rather than hold it inside, think he was a bad person or fear being publicly barracked by complete strangers. His wellbeing and need to talk about his feelings would be far more important than a shiny, fluffy and sparkly version of me where I did no wrong and was only a complete paragon of virtue, rather than a human being, particularly as it wouldn't make any difference to me.

There is no 'normal'. There is no right way to feel or to speak. Whatever your feelings are when bereaved, they are your feelings and nobody has the right to say you mustn't feel like that or that you're a bad person/abnormal for needing to say it.

There will be many people who have felt in a similar way about relatives (or feel relief, joy, happiness, sadness, desolation or simply nothing), there's no way of identifying the OP or who his wife was IRL, so it is a Safe Place to say the things he feels without it affecting anybody else in the family.

The kindest thing to do if you do not like the idea of somebody admitting their feelings on the board is to back away and leave them to it. It's not your relative, it's not your family, it's not your feelings. It's not mine, either, but I understand that somebody can feel this way, they might not always, but they do now and they need to say it somewhere without feeling judged for something they have no control over.

Twopints

baby_lemonade wrote: »

It's not about hurting them, it's about having some respect!

I know this board is used by people (bored women, mainly) for getting stuff off their chest (real or imaginary!) and for bleating about their in-laws , so be it.

But most normal people deal with pain and bereavement without slating someone they supposedly loved all over the internet. This is not a "safe place" as you put it - it's a public website which can be seen by anyone anywhere in the world.

Yet it doesn't stop you posting your ignorant, ill-informed drivel. Just because you seem to believe that some "convention" means people should hide their feelings and that there is a "right" way to deal with bereavement. That is exactly the sort of attitude that means people do not feel they can express their true feelings.