Just had a blazing row with my OH

PhoebeBuffay

For privacy reasons, this is a new profile. I know making a new profile to post about a problem on here is frowned upon, however, after reading what has happened tonight. You will understand why I want to post this anonymously.

DH and I, have had a blazing row. At around 20:00pm this evening, a young lad was parked up behind our house playing music in his car. He parks there when he picks up his girlfriend, who lives on the corner.

DH was getting grumpy about the music, because bake off had started. I told him the lad will be gone in a minute, he's just waiting for his girlfriend.

Off he went on his high horse to confront the young lad. I went after him - he confronted the lad who turned down the music. Not enough for DH, oh no, he had to start effin and blinding at the lad.

I tried to drag him away, the young lad even said sorry. As soon as I thought DH had calmed down. He picks up a rock and smashes the back window of the car.

The neighbours witnessed it all - called the police. They arrested DH for destruction of property. I apologised to the young lad - and offered to pay for the damage.

At the cop shop. They took a statement from me. I told them it was all DH on his high horse. The young lad has said he does not want the matter to go further as long as the damage is paid for.

The police issued DH with a caution. When we got home, he went off in a tizzy at me for not taking his side. We had a row over what happened, with him spouting words along the lines of me being his wife and how I should take his side, no matter what.

His incessant ranting became too much - so I phoned his sister to come and get him out of the house for the night. Telling her, if she doesn't come get him. I will be calling the police and he'll be back in the nick for the second time tonight.

She eventually convinced him to leave for the night. The stress he has caused me tonight, has made me reach boiling point. Now, I'm struggling to switch off - and I am thinking maybe not taking his side was the wrong to do, as ridiculous as that sounds?

altojack

I'm sorry you've found yourself in this position but you made your decision on what you believe to be right. If you'd backed him up you may have ended up with a caution yourself or the matter may have escalated if your dh knew he had your backing.

Was there something needling him prior to this happening? Perhaps he has work worries, and no, this doesn't excuse what transpired.

It's ok giving someone, your backing on a small issue, but I think I would gave made the same decision that you did. It was only 8pm, a young lad waiting for his girlfriend. Yes the music booming out would irritate most people, but isn't that what a lot of youngsters do these days, music blaring where ever they drive.

No doubt by the morning he will see the errors he has made and return home rather sheepishly. Hopefully you will have managed to switch off and at least get a few hours sleep. Good luck

Frogletina

PhoebeBuffay wrote: »

...I'm struggling to switch off - and I am thinking maybe not taking his side was the wrong to do, as ridiculous as that sounds?

Sorry to hear what has gone on this evening. I hope things are better in the morning.

No one would expect you to take his side in the circumstances. He has to accept that he lost control of the situation, maybe he felt that you didn't understand what led him to do it, even though it was an overreaction and could have let to a very different outcome.

A night away will allow him to cool down and he may be mortified in the morning.

He probably will need tea and sympathy which you can give, without agreeing what he did was correct.

Sagz_2

I don't think I would have done anything different if I was in your position.

If this is unusal for OH, maybe something else is really causing him to "act out". Health worries maybe? Money? Work?

My OH is terrible at talking about worries, it's like he sees it as a sign of weakness..... but all you can do is ask, be supportive, and bail him out the next time!

Have a better day today x and don't beat yourself up! You were the adult clearing up after the child last night x

anotheruser

Divorce.

It seems to be the way people go when they have an argument these days...

FBaby

I think you did the right thing. His behaviour was totally unacceptable. The question is? Was it out of character for him or not? Does he have an anger issue and you are constantly living on the edge of him exploding or is it a case of him being so stressed, he is starting to act in a way totally unlike himself.

Stress when extreme is a nasty illness and turns the most gentle loving people into monsters. Noise can be one of the worse trigger. It sounds like your OH was looking forward to relaxing watching a -very non stressful- programme, and felt that this boy was ruining it for him. He clearly took it way too far.

Hopefully he will calm down and realise how stress is bringing the very worse of him. Maybe it is time to discuss making some serious changes in his life?

ERICS_MUM

OP,

Has he always had a temper which he struggles to manage ? If so then IMO he needs to get some urgent help because I can see his next step will be physical violence in your house, to you. Maybe when he reflects on last night's antics in the cold light of day he will realise this and do something about it.

If the anger was completely uncharacteristic, maybe he has a medical condition that needs treating ? Sometimes even a bad urinary infection can affect a person's 'mental' health. Or has he had an accident recently in which he might have bashed his head ?

Sorry, don't mean to alarm you. I hope the both of you can resolve it gently today.

Take care.

EM x

prowla

You should not have contradicted your husband, regardless of whether he was in the wrong.

Do you often take the opposing view to him (and let everybody know)?

(Incidentally, posting such a detailed story under a new account is not really going to hide much, is it?)

Pollycat

PhoebeBuffay wrote: »

She eventually convinced him to leave for the night. The stress he has caused me tonight, has made me reach boiling point. Now, I'm struggling to switch off - and I am thinking maybe not taking his side was the wrong to do, as ridiculous as that sounds?

Yes, it does sound ridiculous.

Why would you want to condone behaviour like you describe above?
I think he's very lucky that the lad was so reasonable.

I agree with Erics Mum - if he has shown uncontrollable temper before, maybe it's time for him to seek help.

If it's very out of character for him, maybe sit down and see if something happened in his day to wind him up to such an extent.

But when he comes home, I'd leave him in no doubt that you won't put up with him acting in such a way ever again.

ThinkPink

I dont think you have done anything wrong. It was witnessed by other people, how could you have sided with him without putting yourself at risk of lying to the police. It sounds Iike he doesn't want to accept responsibility for his own actions and is now looking to blame you for his caution.

It's not like you just haven't taken his side in an argument, he went one step too far and he broke the law and he needs to realise that's not acceptable.

I hope he realises

ThinkPink

Sorry pressed sent too quick and can't edit on my phone.

I hope he realises this morning what he did was wrong and he went too far and apologises to you for firstly acting the way he did in the first place and secondly for the way he reacted to you when you got home.