How can I help my 40yo daughter?

lessonlearned

I agree with everyone, you are enabling your daughter to spend money she doesn't have. You re funding her designer lifestyle.

You were extremely generous in paying off her mortgage. She now needs to stand on her own two feet.

I suggest that you politely decline on this one.

I,also suggest that this year your Christmas gift to her should be a couple of money management books because I'm guessing she has no savings and hasn't given a thought to her or her children's future financial well being.

She 40. She needs to get serious.

sourcrates

Kids,

No matter the age, will still take advantage of the "bank of mum an dad" given the chance.

I think the time has to come where the "child" must learn to live like an adult, and sort out there own mis-takes themselves.

Can be hard, but what would they do if you wernt there ?
Sometimes you just have to take a step back and say no.

somethingcorporate

40 years old? yikes.

Tough love here - she is still behaving like a child. I wouldn't dream of imposing financially on my parents when I am an adult (unless I was in absolute dire need, which doesnt sound the case here).

MrsTinks

I'm 36 and if anything I'm the one helping my parents out... or rather in my twenties I bailed my dad out a few times. In fairness his wife (number 4...) has got him budgeting, saving and behaving like an adult.

My step siblings learnt from their mum that they didn't have to work, my stepdad would always be their safety net... Now in their 40's they are in shock because that funding source has dried up at last! At least as far as I know...

You HAVE to go with the tough love - I'm sorry. Bailing her out will do no favours at all - if you think she will just run up debts in the hope of inheritance money eventually coming her way (sorry to be blunt!) then tell her you have decided to write a will and it's all going into funds for the grandkids when they turn 25/30 and to charity as she has had her share already paying off her mortgage. Say it with a smile and not in a nasty way, and then follow up with "but if you need a hand I'm very happy to help you sort out so you can put away savings and budget for things?"

But you HAVE to let her take responsibility for her own life and decisions. £30k is not an income you can be buying designer clothes on with 2 kids too... I earn more than that and all my designer stuff is Debenhams in the Sale! (3 dresses for £100 for work... in my defense I am a manager and I see clients - and I have an odd shape so I need to go with what fits my significant chest area)

National_Debtline

kuepper wrote: »

Sorry if I sound stupid - and this isn't a wind-up as one poster thinks - but how do i / can I help her to budget ?

Hi

There's a budget aka 'statement of affairs' template here. It's a good way for someone to get an overview of their finances and check any areas of spending that seem unrealistically high.

www.stoozing.com/calculator/soa.php

James
@natdebtline

Muttipops

Wow, I can understand your dilemma. If she has been used to getting money from you, then the sudden stopping could cause friction in your relationship and of course you don't want that. If people suddenly don't get what they are used to, then they often throw the toys out of the pram.
I think a lot of this depends on what sort of relationship you have and if you are able to sit down and talk about it like two grown-ups. Your daughter may not appreciate your advice about how to manage her money and budget, even though she appreciates your money. And as you have been supporting her spending behaviour, although with the best of intentions, by baling her out, she has come to expect you will, so the blame is not all hers.
If you think/know that things will go belly up and you do not want to risk a rift, then i would loan the money at the same rate of interest you currently get on your savings at the very least and make her set up a monthly standing order to pay you back on the understanding that only once the whole amount is paid back will ownership of the car become hers; you can have the car registered in your name and she can tax and insure it and be responsible for repairs.
Another thought is to lend part of the money, once she has saved up the other half, thereby encouraging her to get in the habit of saving for things she wants.


So mine is a halfway house kind of response, depending on how the land lies when you come to deal with the subject next. If you are Mr/Mrs Well-Off but also Mr/Mrs Cut-Off from the family, then principles make a lonely bedfellow. It does not mean your daughter is just after your money, just that rejection, when she has previously been used to getting, can feel like a rejection of herself.
In my mind I agree with all the posters above, you should refuse to help and instead encourage her to save, and if this was a friend asking you for money then I would say refuse, but family is a different matter.


Ooo, and if you do help, then a car for a sensible amount like £3k should get a good one that is not constantly needing repairs, not some £15k jobbie.
Good luck when you have that talk.

lessonlearned

Excellent advice from multipops there. A great compromise.

I agree suddenly withdrawing support might be too hard for her and you run the risk of a big falling out.

A gentle planned withdrawal along the lines multipops has suggested sounds like the best way forward.

lessonlearned

I have two sons, one a natural saver the other was a real spendthrift. I really worried about him and had to bail him out several times. I used to despair of him mending his ways.

He went through a bad patch at work and was worried about his job. I listened to his tale of woe and then sat him down for a "chat"

I rarely swear but this time I just said, quite simply and calmly "what you need is a "You" fund. He was shocked to hear me swear but it did the trick.

He sat up and took notice as I explained that such a fund gives you freedom.......you can walk away from any situation, job, relationship, pay for medical treatment etc.

It was a shock treatment but it worked. I left a couple of money books lying around and he got interested. We have worked together and he is now a reformed character.

I have helped both my sons out with deposits. I think owning his house (ok on a mortgage) really helped my spendthrift son to focus. He now has a property and is funding his pension, he's bought a few stocks and shares, he manages to run a small car, nothing fancy.

I did help out with an emergency vet bill because the insurance didn't meet the full costs. I made that a gift rather than a loan - well I love the cat too:rotfl:

BTW the expression "You" fund has become family legend and my kids have taught it to all their friends and colleagues.

At my eldest sons recent wedding one of his bosses came up to me and said "I love the story of the "You fund". I pinched it and used on my kids too".

AllyMac

I'm glad that worked for him, but I'm utterly lost as to what is swearing about a "You Fund" ��

noh

AllyMac wrote: »

I'm glad that worked for him, but I'm utterly lost as to what is swearing about a "You Fund" ��

A word beginning with f before you has been removed.