How can I help my 40yo daughter?

kuepper

DCFC79 wrote: »

https://www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/articles/beginners-guide-to-managing-your-money

Maybe not that helpful OP.

You need to be firm that no more money will be coming from you. She has kids so that should be her motivation to get herself sorted finance wise.

That link looks good starting point perhaps. Thanks

kuepper

missbiggles1 wrote: »

Not having the money to buy designer children's clothes is hardly "hitting rock bottom!".

I don't mean to be rude but, if your "bond" is based mainly on your giving her money then it isn't worth much. It really isn't a good thing to have a 40 year old "child" dependent on a parent. Sorry.

I took rock bottom to mean letting my daughter carry on spend spend spend until she was on her uppers, nothing to do with just not having the money to buy designer clothes. Our bond is based on my bringing her up as a single parent when her mother left when she was 6yo. I was the only one there for her when she needed it.

kuepper

StokieBecks wrote: »

Is your daughter suffering from depression? As a 40 year old she shouldn't be dependant on you but if there are reasons for that then it could affect the advice that would be most useful.

You need to find out exactly where her money is going and the reasons why on a good wage she can't support herself.

If you always bail her out she will never be responsible for herself and in turn her kids will never know how to live within their means.

If you really want to help her budget you don't give her any money. You sit down together and work out her essential monthly outgoings are. You need to know if she has any debts that she is paying off (or ignoring! - there is the possibility she has tried to get a loan for this car and been refused hence why she is asking you) once you have a list of outgoings you work out how much a month is spare.

Have a mother daughter heart to heart about why she feels she spends so much/ where her money goes etc. Is she a single parent and think that buying expensive things compensates her kids? She should be in a great position. 30k a year and no mortgage. Most on here would dream of that. We understand you want to support your daughter but she shouldn't be relying on you.

Try and sit down with her and get a clearer picture of what is going on for her. She may need support in other ways not just with budgeting

Thanks for this response, it's given me something to hang a face to face discussion on rather than just naked finances. Yes depression/anxiety has been an issue as long ago as when she was 6yo she had panic attacks and still has them. I occasionally get calls from her crying down the phone when she has low self-esteem, has morbid fears of dying, or is in debt (like the time when I subsequently paid mortgage off) etc. She's been for CBT and counselling and occasionally medication but sometimes she can't cope and I'm her first port of call (I am her father BTW not mother) .

kuepper

theoretica wrote: »

That would be coming here and posting her SOA!

I never realised thats what ppl did

kuepper

Thanks for all the replies, I've not replied to all as there was a bit of duplication. Lots of useful stuff to use.

DCFC79

The Statement of affairs is posted in a new thread in the debt free wannabe board and other posters will comment/suggest what could be cut back on/savings could be made. Its sometimes a good thing as a second pair of eyes will pick up what could be cut back on.

You could check out the other threads to pick up some tips.

kuepper

StokieBecks wrote: »

Is your daughter suffering from depression? /QUOTE]

Must be my age but I've just remembered after my first reply to you that she was diagnosed with some form of OCD where she irrationally thinks she has a fatal disease like AIDS, cancer etc Can't remember the name of it, it's just one word. She's always examining her body, going to doctors, ( and taking kids to doctors/hospitals too tho that's more understandable) on slightest pretext. As she thinks she's going to die she gets depressed about not seeing kids grow up etc, she becomes just a shaking wreck tbh.

thegreenone

If your daughter is 40, I'm guessing you are 60+? Unless you have a gold-plated, mega pension provision in place, you should be keeping your cash for your retirement - your daughter needs to realise that.


I would offer 1k and suggest your daughter and her partner sit down and sought out their financial situation, with or without you.


You need money for your future now. Difficult one. Good luck.

Money_saving_maniac

kuepper wrote: »

StokieBecks wrote: »

Is your daughter suffering from depression? /QUOTE]

Must be my age but I've just remembered after my first reply to you that she was diagnosed with some form of OCD where she irrationally thinks she has a fatal disease like AIDS, cancer etc Can't remember the name of it, it's just one word. She's always examining her body, going to doctors, ( and taking kids to doctors/hospitals too tho that's more understandable) on slightest pretext. As she thinks she's going to die she gets depressed about not seeing kids grow up etc, she becomes just a shaking wreck tbh.

That's really horrible and I do feel for her but it's still no good to just keep bailing her out. What happens when you are no longer around?

itchyfeet123

thegreenone wrote: »

If your daughter is 40, I'm guessing you are 60+? Unless you have a gold-plated, mega pension provision in place, you should be keeping your cash for your retirement - your daughter needs to realise that.

This is important, OP. Are you set up for your retirement? If not, that needs to be a priority.

I'd also argue that being generous with your daughter if she can't get her affairs in order herself isn't doing her any long term favors. I say that looking at my mother, now in her 70s. My grandparents "lent" her the deposit for a house, in 1980s (Australian) dollars. She lost the house a few years later. Throughout my childhood, she'd borrow small amounts of money off my grandparents for food or petrol at the end of each pay cycle. Over the last fifteen years, she received several lump sums, totalling several hundred thousand dollars, when her brother, father, mother, and aunt died. When her brother died, she did repay the loan to my grandparents, but in 2003 dollars, so she got a bargain. She has probably 1/4 of the lump sum total left and apart from a car and a trip no idea where it all went.

She's in her 70s now. She just met a man who is set financially, and if this relationship lasts (unlikely, in my opinion) she'll be ok. If not, her money will run out in 5 years, which is a problem because her parents lived into their late 90s.

My point, OP, is that my grandparents didn't want to see her - or me, as a child - suffer, and so were happy to provide a financial safety net. But they're not here anymore, and she's past the age where she can sort herself out - she has zero income potential and living frugally is a lot easier at age 40 than age 70.

The best thing you can do for your daughter is to help her become self-reliant. Even if you leave her a substantial inheritance, once you're gone she'll struggle to get by if something doesn't change.