How can I help my 40yo daughter?

kuepper

MustTryHarderNow wrote: »

I agree with others though and would not be inclined to help. With 30K and no mortgage, even with kids she should be able to manage. 'Too many' designer clothes ? No designer clothes at all is what I say! But that's just my opinion.

It is hard to refuse your own child, esp if it might cause family friction. But still. I'd get a formal agreement of repayment/part ownership of the item until the loan is repaid or the gifted item sold.

Just an idea for helping her with responsibility. Good luck with it, it's a difficult situation to be in.

-MTHN

How do you persuade someone to stop buying designer clothes for their kids? I don't know if it's a reaction to her not having those sorts of things when she was a kid. Is it an addiction or a matter of keeping up with joneses? I don't know. Yes it is hard to refuse my only offspring who I brought up as a single parent, that's why i'm looking for solution.

DCFC79

kuepper wrote: »

Thanks but i couldn't stand by and let my daughter hit rock bottom, that just isn't an option. I brought her up as a single parent from when she was 6 so she has a strong bond / dependency on me so it's hard for me to let her down hence my post. Now both kids are at school she'll have time for us to talk and it's ideas from this thread I'll use in that conversation. I'm sorry I don't understand which you mean by the other forums or by SOA, can you explain please? Thanks

SOA is statement of affairs, it's just a list of the monthly bills eg groceries, insurances, tv, mobile phone contract. All the monthly amounts are then added up and is taken off the monthly wage which gives you a figure which is what can be spent on loan repayments, saved up or just wasted away.

missbiggles1

kuepper wrote: »

Thanks but i couldn't stand by and let my daughter hit rock bottom, that just isn't an option. I brought her up as a single parent from when she was 6 so she has a strong bond / dependency on me so it's hard for me to let her down hence my post. Now both kids are at school she'll have time for us to talk and it's ideas from this thread I'll use in that conversation. I'm sorry I don't understand which you mean by the other forums or by SOA, can you explain please? Thanks

Not having the money to buy designer children's clothes is hardly "hitting rock bottom!".

I don't mean to be rude but, if your "bond" is based mainly on your giving her money then it isn't worth much. It really isn't a good thing to have a 40 year old "child" dependent on a parent. Sorry.

kuepper

skint-student-nurse wrote: »

I hate to say it, but I think you'll need to inflict some tough love. No financial or material items, just support to help her budget. This is most likely to be the way she will learn to stand on her own two feet. As a parent myself,I know we only want to do what is best for our children. If she didn't have a job or decent income, fair enough. However, her income isn't far off what I earn and I cant afford the AI holidays,etc as I have to prioritise my outgoings. If someone had paid of the mortgage for me, I'd be making sure that I could save some of that money I was now saving - or even consider paying it back to the person who paid off my mortgage.

I think you will really need to sit down with her and go through her budget and find out exactly what is going on. The money advice website have some good info on creating and sticking to a budget, what you would save if you cut back on certain things and support links for financial advice if there are any debts,etc. You should also have a look at turn2us for benefit info, to see if shes getting everything she is entitled to, particularity in relation for her children (tax credits,etc).

BTW £30k is the whole family income I've guessed, a combi of her pt and her partner's ft income plus child benefit. I've asked her about benefits and she says she's not entitled to any but I'd probably ask her to double check as part of any solution. I'd like to go through her and her partners finances but I do think that's a bit intrusive (and they might not let me anyway) .I'd like to put to them a solution without patronising them if possible, so I want to give her support and try and get 'the message' across but I don't know how in practical terms to do that.

kuepper

JimmyTheWig wrote: »

I
If the answer to all the above is "yes", then I don't see who benefits from you not lending her the money.

well the bank or loan co would benefit if she took a loan with them

StokieBecks

Is your daughter suffering from depression? As a 40 year old she shouldn't be dependant on you but if there are reasons for that then it could affect the advice that would be most useful.

You need to find out exactly where her money is going and the reasons why on a good wage she can't support herself.

If you always bail her out she will never be responsible for herself and in turn her kids will never know how to live within their means.

If you really want to help her budget you don't give her any money. You sit down together and work out her essential monthly outgoings are. You need to know if she has any debts that she is paying off (or ignoring! - there is the possibility she has tried to get a loan for this car and been refused hence why she is asking you) once you have a list of outgoings you work out how much a month is spare.

Have a mother daughter heart to heart about why she feels she spends so much/ where her money goes etc. Is she a single parent and think that buying expensive things compensates her kids? She should be in a great position. 30k a year and no mortgage. Most on here would dream of that. We understand you want to support your daughter but she shouldn't be relying on you.

Try and sit down with her and get a clearer picture of what is going on for her. She may need support in other ways not just with budgeting

kuepper

National_Debtline wrote: »

Hi

There's a budget aka 'statement of affairs' template here. It's a good way for someone to get an overview of their finances and check any areas of spending that seem unrealistically high.

www.stoozing.com/calculator/soa.php

James
@natdebtline

Thanks for that James, it may be a good starting point to approach her with that wouldn't cause friction. My only q would be could she be honest to herself plus I'd like to help her but i am aware of privacy issues esp as she has a partner, is there any service public or private I could direct her to to 'get real' about things and that could give her the 'tough love' /frankness about her lifestyle she seems to need?

kuepper

Muttipops wrote: »

Ooo, and if you do help, then a car for a sensible amount like £3k should get a good one that is not constantly needing repairs, not some £15k jobbie.
Good luck when you have that talk.

Thanks for your understanding about our relationship. Oh we're talking max £3k, nothing more. I never spend more than £1k myself but I don't really care what ppl think anymore!

kuepper

enthusiasticsaver wrote: »

What amount is she looking to spend on the car.

I helped my daughters to budget by showing them my monthly . Was your daughter good with money as a child/young teen?

Never heard of YNAB before. Good idea to show her my income/outgoing tho her situation is different it'll break the ice about me seeing theirs perhaps. I think she is looking at a car for around £3k. No she's never been good with money I don't think.

theoretica

kuepper wrote: »

Thanks for that James, it may be a good starting point to approach her with that wouldn't cause friction. My only q would be could she be honest to herself plus I'd like to help her but i am aware of privacy issues esp as she has a partner, is there any service public or private I could direct her to to 'get real' about things and that could give her the 'tough love' /frankness about her lifestyle she seems to need?

That would be coming here and posting her SOA!