How can I help my 40yo daughter?

nkkingston

I think, OP, the first thing to do is to work out a budget for yourself. Track your own spending, explore your own savings, calculate your exact income. Put it all together on a Statement of Affairs and see if there's anywhere you're surprised you're spending so much, or anywhere you've got savings that you could be putting to better use. Once you're comfortable budgeting for yourself, you'll be on a firmer footing to support your daughter in doing to same. Anxiety and depression feed on feeling out of control, and if she can take control of her finances then she can put that part of her life out of their grasp.

BaileyMoselle

I believe you need to ask why you are still supplying the cash to your daughter who is now 40 years old? My parents stopped giving me money when I was 15 - that is, when I started my first part time job. How can you teach a child to ride a bicycle if you don't let go of the bike? You taught your child to walk by letting go of her hands - the child fell but learnt the trick. Time to do the same with financial responsibility.

debtfreeforlife

kuepper wrote: »

Never heard of YNAB before. Good idea to show her my income/outgoing tho her situation is different it'll break the ice about me seeing theirs perhaps. I think she is looking at a car for around £3k. No she's never been good with money I don't think.

I used to use YNAB, but don't any more. It works for some but it's flipping confusing sometimes, and also requires daily commitment to getting it figured out. You also have to pay for it. If you're looking for something to help your daughter manage her money, I'd suggest clearcheckbook.com instead, the free version is more than sufficient for most people's needs and it's really helpful for people who struggle with budgeting (I think, anyway).

FBaby

I am very sorry to be blunt, but it sounds like you have dedicated yourself to over-protecting her and as a result, she struggles with the concept of looking after herself. It is totally understandable considering the situation when she was a child, but ultimately, she hasn't developed the essential skills that are required to become a self-sufficient adult, not just financially but emotionally.

Frankly, considering her age and the fact that she's never known being anything different, I think the likelihood of her changing now is very low and even if it happened, it would most likely be as a result of trauma (and learning that she can get through it ok) or at least her deciding she wants to change how she feels.

On this basis, I would say that you have set expectations years ago and it isn't fair to suddenly expect her to adapt to anything different. Is the reason you are considering not letting her that money because of your own financial situation or because it has become the tip of the iceberg and you now feel that she is going too far in her expectations?

If it is the first, I would explain to her that you just can't afford it, but explain to her why so she doesn't think you are using that as an excuse. If it is the latter, you need to consider whether it really is worth confronting her, or if you do feel that it is because she is going too far in her expectations of her luxurious life, then I would let her have the money, but would then have gentle discussions with her about how she would feel so much better about herself if she had less material things in her life, but what she had was as a result of her hard work rather than relying on others.

katejo

debtfreeforlife wrote: »

I used to use YNAB, but don't any more. It works for some but it's flipping confusing sometimes, and also requires daily commitment to getting it figured out. You also have to pay for it. If you're looking for something to help your daughter manage her money, I'd suggest clearcheckbook.com instead, the free version is more than sufficient for most people's needs and it's really helpful for people who struggle with budgeting (I think, anyway).

I have been using ynab for just over 2 years and it really works for me. I wasn't in debt to start with but wanted to save more effectively. Since then i have increased my savings substantially.

[Deleted User]

kuepper wrote: »

but how do I / can I help her to budget ?

I don't think you can.

It's like giving up an addiction. They have to want to do it.

KxMx

How about a compromise as a starting point where you both contribute?

ie she saves for 6 months (or however long) towards the car, at the end of that period you see a statement and match what she has saved.

Then perhaps next time she approaches you for money the response might be "I am surprised, you did so well saving last time I don't see the need to loan you money now"

nanny_beach

I have 2 friends in similar situations to you, one paying her childs rent, now supporting their other half, as well,AND just been told they are holidaying abroad!! does your daughter realise how generous it was for you to pay off her mortgage, no, you do NOT help her buy a car, she has to learn. She isnt destitute or starving from what you say. I frankly, would play her at her own game, say, you cannot help her with the car, and actually, YOU are having financial problems of your own, and wondered if she could help you out. I see someone posted that you dont want to upset her, or your relationship, excuse me, we arent talking about a toddler that you would be responsible for! it would be interesting to see if she WOULD be willing to help you out finnancially?

borkid

Not trying to stir up trouble but where's her partner in all of this?

System

She won't be happy with what she has if she never realises the true value of money, you don't need expensive gear to be happy, she has to learn the hard way and that is in her best interests long term