How can I help my 40yo daughter?

kuepper

About 2 years ago I paid my daughter's mortgage off (even though it was only £400 a month )when she was struggling to keep it up after returning to work on reduced hours from maternity leave after 2nd kid. I'm guessing the family income is around £30k. Naively thinking without a mortgage she would then start saving at least half the mortgage. She has now asked me for a loan to buy a new secondhand car as hers is starting to need regular repairs. My instinct is she spends way too much on designer clothes for the kids plus anything that makes life easier eg AI holidays, takeaway meals, eating out, even having a car living in a city with great public transport etc but I don't really know where her money goes. I don't know whether to lend her the money for the car (if not she'll probably get a loan) or if I can lend her it on condition that...I don't know what. Any advice welcome

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warwicktiger

Help her? possibly 20+ years too late, but with no mortgage and as you guess £30K p.a. help her to budget, if she spends as you say she does then all you are doing is subsidising that lifestyle.

kuepper

warwicktiger wrote: »

Help her? possibly 20+ years too late, but with no mortgage and as you guess £30K p.a. help her to budget, if she spends as you say she does then all you are doing is subsidising that lifestyle.

Sorry if I sound stupid - and this isn't a wind-up as one poster thinks - but how do i / can I help her to budget ?

Money_saving_maniac

Well first of all you make it clear no more money gifts are coming her way and why.
Secondly she has to want to budget cos you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink.
If she wants to you can teach her how to. There are lots of tools available.
Plus you obviously know how to do it for yourself?

bilbodreams

Agree with pp post regarding "you can lead the horse...".
You've tried to help her the best way you can, no parent likes to see their child struggling or appearing to be struggling. (designer clothes are not a necessity;0)
Some people need to hit rock bottom before they help themselves out, otherwise by helping them we are keeping them just above sea bed.
Stay strong and don't lend her/ give her anymore more money. Resilience is the best thing you can give your daughter.
A good way to help her is to direct her to one of the forums in this site so she can post her SOA, take control of her finances so she can see where she goes wrong.
You can help her by providing the ocasional meal /babysitting, anything else is taking advantage.
Good luck op.

-taff

Tell her you don't have the money available at the moment so she's going to have to sort herself out but you'' help her budget so she can afford one

Pixie5740

You help her by saying, "no." You've already been more than generous by paying off the mortgage.

MustTryHarderNow

Another thought - if you contributed significantly to her house purchase, did you get a legal agreement as to any profits made when/if she sells? My Dh and I have an agreement which splits the house proceeds proportionally by contribution should we split and sell (since he gives more each month).

My point being that introducing an element of ownership of your daughter's things, that she is using your money for, might prompt her to think about what she's asking. IE., if you did decide to help her with a car, then make it clear it is your car and you are free to sell it when you need some spare cash.

I agree with others though and would not be inclined to help. With 30K and no mortgage, even with kids she should be able to manage. 'Too many' designer clothes ? No designer clothes at all is what I say! But that's just my opinion.

It is hard to refuse your own child, esp if it might cause family friction. But still. I'd get a formal agreement of repayment/part ownership of the item until the loan is repaid or the gifted item sold.

Just an idea for helping her with responsibility. Good luck with it, it's a difficult situation to be in.

-MTHN

tanith

While you keep giving money she will keep taking it , you are enabling her behaviour. Stop!! Then when she 'gets it' tell her you'll help her work out a budget although at 40yrs old it really shouldn't be necessary.

JimmyTheWig

If you lend her the money to buy a newer car, will she pay you back? On time, every time?
If you don't lend her the money, would she be able to get a loan to buy the car she wants?

If the answer to all the above is "yes", then I don't see who benefits from you not lending her the money.

skint-student-nurse

I hate to say it, but I think you'll need to inflict some tough love. No financial or material items, just support to help her budget. This is most likely to be the way she will learn to stand on her own two feet. As a parent myself,I know we only want to do what is best for our children. If she didn't have a job or decent income, fair enough. However, her income isn't far off what I earn and I cant afford the AI holidays,etc as I have to prioritise my outgoings. If someone had paid of the mortgage for me, I'd be making sure that I could save some of that money I was now saving - or even consider paying it back to the person who paid off my mortgage.

I think you will really need to sit down with her and go through her budget and find out exactly what is going on. The money advice website have some good info on creating and sticking to a budget, what you would save if you cut back on certain things and support links for financial advice if there are any debts,etc. You should also have a look at turn2us for benefit info, to see if shes getting everything she is entitled to, particularity in relation for her children (tax credits,etc).