The woman at the office.

Guest101

fairy_lights wrote: »

He might not remember every comment but I'd certainly expect him to remember if it was friendly joking, or if it was dry humping on the photocopier.

I think it's been clear there's been no physical cheating.

SarahandherCat

He basically said if this was the other way around he'd been destroyed and possibly would have left on me depending how bad it was. It's basically not ok for me to flirt with other men whatsoever...but he knows me pretty well that if I was to flirt with someone it would be more then harmless flirting, it's just a theory but if I was to cheat on him it's because I would become emotionally involved with someone else, if he was to cheat on me all he would want is sex.

Not saying either one of us would cheat, but we are happy he just has a wandering eye I guess...

I'm just not interested in other men, I can't say I haven't had things cross my mind but if a guy flirts with me I shut down on them and make it clear I'm not interested, I've had my fair share in my line of work as I meet new people constantly.

Guest101

fierystormcloud wrote: »

I am with Judi. I have also never flirted with people 'just for fun.' Or for any other reason. People think it's a laugh, but it's destructive and dangerous, and people get hurt.

The definition of flirting:


Why anyone in a serious relationship,who loves their partner would want to flirt, just baffles me. It's a dangerous little game to play. I have never flirted with other men, and never would.

I hope you get this sorted OP. You need a very serious talk with your husband about this, and it needs to stop. How would he like it if the shoe was on the other foot, and it was YOU getting over friendly with 2 other men?!

Here's a number of reasons:
1: Knowing someone is attracted to you boosts ego, releasing hormones which elevate mood.
2: Flirting can bring you closer to the person you are with, by reminding you of the honeymoon period.
3: Flirting builds better friendships between people who are otherwise attracted, it gets the elephant out of the room so to speak.


On a side note: your definition states - without serious intentions - which is the key point


on a second side note: he may not care in the slightest. I am happy for my partner to flirt harmlessly. Saves me the bother!

Guest101

SarahandherCat wrote: »

He basically said if this was the other way around he'd been destroyed and possibly would have left on me depending how bad it was. It's basically not ok for me to flirt with other men whatsoever...but he knows me pretty well that if I was to flirt with someone it would be more then harmless flirting, it's just a theory but if I was to cheat on him it's because I would become emotionally involved with someone else, if he was to cheat on me all he would want is sex.

Not saying either one of us would cheat, but we are happy he just has a wandering eye I guess...

I'm just not interested in other men, I can't say I haven't had things cross my mind but if a guy flirts with me I shut down on them and make it clear I'm not interested, I've had my fair share in my line of work as I meet new people constantly.

Well that's double standards and whilst your needs might be different, it's clear that if he's allowed to flirt, so are you.

baby_lemonade

SarahandherCat wrote: »

Apologies in advance for posting under a new name, I understand it gets annoying but in the past I have known people to go through my old threads and pull things out and I always rave about my Husband so I hope you can understand.

I just need some outside advice/opinions I do have a small support network of friends but my number one is abroad ATM and don't want to burden her.

Basically, *somehow* my husband admitted he had been flirting with woman at the office, I was teasing him about a girl I know that works there as she is young (as we are ish 20's) and whilst I always had a niggling thought in the back of my head about it I trusted him and put it to one side but I'm not the most confident person so I admit it came up in conversation from time to time - if only to put my mind at ease.

Here's where it gets interesting, turns out it wasn't even her he was referring to. After alooot of pushing and prodding I find out there is not one, but TWO female sales reps that come into his office that he has been flirting with - one in his words 'isn't a big deal' but again after a lot of prodding I find out that the other one has basically been coming onto him, and as he puts it 'he didn't close the door', admits he has been flirting with her, is sexually attracted to her, has thought about cheating on me 'briefly' (but wouldn't do that...again so he says)

He's genuinely a good guy, were a family of 4 with two very young kids but I've always known he was a bit of a 'lad' and always checking girls out. I didn't really used to care, I used to say as long as I was the one he was coming home to then whatever. He's an AMAZING dad, we have a great sex life (admittedly with 2 little kids its not always easy to find time) and I honestly felt like we were happy. OK I work a lot and we could have spent more time with each other - I do get stressed out as I've got a lot on but I'm quite laid back in general and not one to moan at him or give him any grief, perhaps we just lost touch a bit but I always thought we both knew what was important - our family.

He says that he felt guilty when she basically made a move, and that he realised he'd taken it to far and that he felt bad knowing I was at home looking after the kids (although at this point, he didn't basically say 'actually I'm happily married'). He realises he's made a mistake. He is 100% only interested in her in a sexual way, and hasn't emotionally cheated on me although he does 'get on with her really well' it's a laugh and a joke sort of way.

The thing is, even *if* I could forgive him, and I'm a reasonable person - I understand our minds take us to places we can't control and that there is a big difference between acting and thinking things, although yes he has over-stepped that mark as admits to flirting with her and giving her the wrong impression.

As I was about to say with the above, I've had a lot of issues with trust with him over the years, he lies about stupid little things that don't matter and I've never been able to trust him because of this, if your going to lie about the little things when does it stop?

I'm finding this so hard to deal with, because we DO have such a great relationship other then the trust issue and now this, I don't want this to end - we've got two little kids together who I love more then anything in the world. But I'm going insane with worry and I'm paranoid that he's going to do something stupid, if not this girl then what about the next? What if he carrys on but doesn't tell me? Or what I mostly believe may happen, is he will try to ignore her for a few occasions but slowly revert back to his normal 'joke and banter' self and end up flirting with her again. As I say I'm not the most confident person and this is my worst nightmare come true (bar him actually kissing/sleeping with someone) I thought we were better then this.

How do I move forward if I can't trust him? How to I begin to trust someone if all they have done is lie, and now this?

He's admitted he felt guilty and he's saying he's never thought about leaving me and wants to make this work more then anything in the world - he's said he's going to e-mail her tomorrow and basically make it clear he doesn't want to talk to her and only have a professional relationship, he's offered to leave his job and find something else (I'm sort of on the fence with this, because whilst I would like him away from this woman, a new job will mean different people and the same concern, I guess I need to trust him full stop), he's also said he's going to talk to his boss tomorrow and see what he suggests, hoping his boss will deal with her in future and perhaps keep her out the office as much (she's a sales rep so on the road working at different depots to.)

I'm seriously considering counselling(for me), not something I would ever really want to do but I'm so down and depressed and my mind just thinks of crazy things that are so unlikely to happen but I can't shake the thought out my head. :(

ETA: 'Made a move' basically as he puts it she was basically saying her marriage wasn't working out and making it clear he'd have a chance.

It's guess the AE time:T

The MSE columbos might be an inconvenience, but sometimes what's gone on in the past might be relevant.

Not sure why people want to air their dirty laundry on a public internet forum anyway, tbh, but I hope you get the help you need.

SarahandherCat

I guess the bottom line is whilst his flirting does annoy me (I'll admit that) sometimes, I know that he is just having a laugh and a good time. This time though he's basically took it to far and this woman wanted to sleep with him and he says he didn't say no and felt guilty - I'm interpreting this as he gave her the same impression back.

I might be wrong because he hasn't admitted it, but it's the only thing that makes logical sense to me.

Loanranger

You need to just smile and accept that men are programmed by their hormones to look around for females. They have been socialised over millenia to not necessarily act upon their instincts.
Be glad you have a family and stop obssessing over yourself.
If not, you will drive each apart . You will find the next guy will be operating under the same instinctive programming system.
In other words, they are all the same.
Mozart even wrote an opera about it, Cosi fan Tutte... translated as they are all the same or thus are they all, except in his opera the potential cheaters were the ladies.

fairy_lights

baby_lemonade wrote: »

It's guess the AE time:T

Why bother? This thread isn't hurting anyone, it's not some outlandish soap opera style thread, so why would you need to out the OP?

Stevie_Palimo

baby_lemonade the same could be said about you as well with your posting style and knowing all the terms used on the forum, Perhaps opinions like those you have posted are best kept to yourself in future as others may play guessing game as to who you used to be.

Primrose

It sounds as if your husband may have taken things a little too far without possibly realising the implications of where it could eventually lead, or the effect it was having on you.


You are both still young. Everybody make mistakes and his was perhaps not realising where the office relationship boundaries were, taking into account his perhaps flirty personality.


I suggest you have a very serious and honest conversation about this. You will have to admit your feelings of insecurity and the effect this has had on you. You may also have to accept that he may always be of a slightly "over friendly" nature where attractive females are concerned. If your husband genuinely loves you he will need to learn from this lesson and move on. You need to have trust in a marriage. . He may well have scared himself at the thought of losing his marriage having pushed it to the edge. Give him the benefit of the doubt on this occasion and try to put the episode behind you.


Easy though it may be able to do, you cannot punish somebody for ever for a behavioural mistake. It will only fester and erode trust. give him the chance to show he's learned a lesson.