The woman at the office.

SarahandherCat

Apologies in advance for posting under a new name, I understand it gets annoying but in the past I have known people to go through my old threads and pull things out and I always rave about my Husband so I hope you can understand.

I just need some outside advice/opinions I do have a small support network of friends but my number one is abroad ATM and don't want to burden her.

Basically, *somehow* my husband admitted he had been flirting with woman at the office, I was teasing him about a girl I know that works there as she is young (as we are ish 20's) and whilst I always had a niggling thought in the back of my head about it I trusted him and put it to one side but I'm not the most confident person so I admit it came up in conversation from time to time - if only to put my mind at ease.

Here's where it gets interesting, turns out it wasn't even her he was referring to. After alooot of pushing and prodding I find out there is not one, but TWO female sales reps that come into his office that he has been flirting with - one in his words 'isn't a big deal' but again after a lot of prodding I find out that the other one has basically been coming onto him, and as he puts it 'he didn't close the door', admits he has been flirting with her, is sexually attracted to her, has thought about cheating on me 'briefly' (but wouldn't do that...again so he says)

He's genuinely a good guy, were a family of 4 with two very young kids but I've always known he was a bit of a 'lad' and always checking girls out. I didn't really used to care, I used to say as long as I was the one he was coming home to then whatever. He's an AMAZING dad, we have a great sex life (admittedly with 2 little kids its not always easy to find time) and I honestly felt like we were happy. OK I work a lot and we could have spent more time with each other - I do get stressed out as I've got a lot on but I'm quite laid back in general and not one to moan at him or give him any grief, perhaps we just lost touch a bit but I always thought we both knew what was important - our family.

He says that he felt guilty when she basically made a move, and that he realised he'd taken it to far and that he felt bad knowing I was at home looking after the kids (although at this point, he didn't basically say 'actually I'm happily married'). He realises he's made a mistake. He is 100% only interested in her in a sexual way, and hasn't emotionally cheated on me although he does 'get on with her really well' it's a laugh and a joke sort of way.

The thing is, even *if* I could forgive him, and I'm a reasonable person - I understand our minds take us to places we can't control and that there is a big difference between acting and thinking things, although yes he has over-stepped that mark as admits to flirting with her and giving her the wrong impression.

As I was about to say with the above, I've had a lot of issues with trust with him over the years, he lies about stupid little things that don't matter and I've never been able to trust him because of this, if your going to lie about the little things when does it stop?

I'm finding this so hard to deal with, because we DO have such a great relationship other then the trust issue and now this, I don't want this to end - we've got two little kids together who I love more then anything in the world. But I'm going insane with worry and I'm paranoid that he's going to do something stupid, if not this girl then what about the next? What if he carrys on but doesn't tell me? Or what I mostly believe may happen, is he will try to ignore her for a few occasions but slowly revert back to his normal 'joke and banter' self and end up flirting with her again. As I say I'm not the most confident person and this is my worst nightmare come true (bar him actually kissing/sleeping with someone) I thought we were better then this.

How do I move forward if I can't trust him? How to I begin to trust someone if all they have done is lie, and now this?

He's admitted he felt guilty and he's saying he's never thought about leaving me and wants to make this work more then anything in the world - he's said he's going to e-mail her tomorrow and basically make it clear he doesn't want to talk to her and only have a professional relationship, he's offered to leave his job and find something else (I'm sort of on the fence with this, because whilst I would like him away from this woman, a new job will mean different people and the same concern, I guess I need to trust him full stop), he's also said he's going to talk to his boss tomorrow and see what he suggests, hoping his boss will deal with her in future and perhaps keep her out the office as much (she's a sales rep so on the road working at different depots to.)

I'm seriously considering counselling(for me), not something I would ever really want to do but I'm so down and depressed and my mind just thinks of crazy things that are so unlikely to happen but I can't shake the thought out my head. :(

ETA: 'Made a move' basically as he puts it she was basically saying her marriage wasn't working out and making it clear he'd have a chance.

SarahandherCat

AWFSCP3J3LRAR89 wrote: »

O'eck!! What a dilemma!! You and DH are in your ish 20's you say? That would make you a 90's kid. Analysing your verbose description of the events that have taken place with said woman at the office. Without sounding disingenuous. You are much more of an 80's kid. We 80's kids prefer a circuitous route when discussing a dilemma. What is a certainty. There is going to be a storm cloud brewing in that office.

Running off 4-hours sleep and all I get is this guy, private messaging me calling me a troll. Appreciate I'm a little moody this morning but I don't need this.

OH has been off for the past 4 days and it's his first day back.

Guest101

What's there to forgive? I don't get it.
He's flirted with someone who's presumably attractive ( age and role profile)

Youve said you could put more effort it, so start there

System

Well the fact its backfired on him hopefully will have taught him a valuable lesson.

Dont use women as an ego boost.

Silly man.

Ozzuk

I'm a little confused also. You admit he's always been a flirty guy - there is nothing wrong with a little flirting - I do it with the office girls but it's all harmless (some in their 50s/60s, its not a sexual thing).

Even if he's admitted fancying a fit girl, he hasn't actually done anything and it sounds like you have been pushing and pushing for this for a long time so he has said pretty much what you were looking for and its now a big thing. Being attracted to other people doesn't stop when you are with someone - sure sounds like he got a bit carried away but this should be enough of a wake up.

It could indeed be more but it's difficult to know from just what you are saying as of course you're looking for the worst case.

My advice, lighten up, tell him not to be so silly. Emailing this woman? Overreaction. A gentle comment, 'I'm married lets remember we're just friends would do'.

SarahandherCat

Thanks. It does help to get some perspective as my mind does run away with me. I do understand you can have harmless flirting but his idea of harmless is a lot more than what I would call harmless if that makes sense - so for him to admit that he has over stepped the mark whilst nothing physical happened has just shaken me up to say the least, when he was on about e-mailing her and what he would say it sounded like a break up e-mail (which again is worrying because you wouldn't word it the way he was unless he had something to end?) but I can't get anymore out of him about what actually happened then she has basically offered herself up on a platter and he didn't say no.

I guess I know I have to work on my own self-confidence but I'm just struggling right now. I actually just looked into counselling but at £40 an hour I can't afford it.

I know he has another woman in office in his 50's who he flirts with too, but again that is harmless banter flirting and doesn't mean anything - I guess the massive difference is he is sexually attracted to her, has actually considered cheating on me and knows full well he has taken it past the point of it being harmless?

He admitted she seems like the sort of woman that is just out for a bit of fun and wants to sleep around.

tea_lover

Sending her an email about anything other than work, and speaking to his boss (really?!) about this is a one way ticket to a disciplinary.

I'm not saying he hasn't behaved badly of course. But I do think making a bigger deal of this at work would be a huge mistake.

SarahandherCat

tea_lover wrote: »

Sending her an email about anything other than work, and speaking to his boss (really?!) about this is a one way ticket to a disciplinary.

I'm not saying he hasn't behaved badly of course. But I do think making a bigger deal of this at work would be a huge mistake.

Him and his boss have a very close relationship as friends, it's not a case of going to his boss to complain but so he knows what is happening to offer support. The e-mail thing did cross my mind, it was his idea and I just left it be.

meer53

IMO no trust = no relationship. I speak from experience.

If you can learn to trust him then fine, if not, it's never going to work.

fairy_lights

What exactly does his kind of 'flirting' involve?
What people consider flirting can cover a huge spectrum from 'OOh eck Moira, nice buns!!' to a colleague whose brought in a tray of cakes, to much more personal comments and touches.
I think my willingness to forgive would very much depend on exactly what was said.

Guest101

Judi wrote: »

Well the fact its backfired on him hopefully will have taught him a valuable lesson.

Dont use women as an ego boost.

Silly man.

Oh please, humans crave attention. We all do it