The woman at the office.

Lily-Rose_3

Guest101 wrote: »

You want this to work? Stop treating him like a naughty child and treat him like your husband. Men don't cheat if they're happy at home.

Out,_Vile_Jelly wrote: »

People cheat for all sorts of reasons; it's a bit low to say that every time it's the fault of the other partner.

I am on the fence here. I don't think Guest is saying it's anyone else's fault, just that if everything is good at home, and the relationship is good, people don't usually cheat. Not USUALLY.

Guest is mainly right, but it has been known for people - usually men - to cheat when nothing IS wrong. Not often, but occasionally. I am not saying only men cheat BTW, just that men are more likely to cheat for no reason, whereas women will usually only cheat if they are unhappy...

But yes, some men will cheat just for the thrill of it. But as Guest says, it will be mostly because there is an issue at home. Lack of emotional connection, lack of affection, lack of communication, arguments over money, lack of sex, rows over anything, all sorts of reasons.

And let's face it, every single couple is going to experience one of the above at some point. That's life, that's relationships. But it's no-one's fault. And I don't think Guest was saying it was.

I think the OP does need to have a long chat with her husband about all this, but I do wonder how much of it IS in his head, and if there IS anything going on....

I have a friend who has a husband (married 15 years now) who was forever bragging about how this woman and that woman at work fancied him, and how when he and his mates went out, HE was the one the women flocked around. Long story short, it was all bull. No women flocked around him, and no women fancied him at work. He was saying it to make her jealous, because he thought he was punching above his weight, and wanted to make her feel lucky she had him!

It all came out when he told her about this woman at work who was 'making eyes at him' and coming on to him, and how she tried to kiss him, and asked him for sex after work.

Well my friend had had enough of hearing about all these women, and went to the workplace at 5pm this one day to confront this woman. Her husband saw her from the window and his face fell to the floor. My friend stopped the woman who was heading to her husband who was waiting 5 minutes walk away, and the upshot is that she didn't even really know who my friend's husband WAS. She didn't fancy him, and she had not asked for sex. He had made it all up! :rotfl:

It caused a massive row, this woman laid into my friend's husband, and he looked a total fool. He got a new job not long after, as he couldn't stay where he was. My friend left him for a month or so after what he did, but they got back together as he never actually DID anything with anyone.

This was maybe 5 years back, and he has never had any woman try it on with him since LOL.

Could it be OP, that your husband is maybe fantasising a bit? :cool:

Guest101

Lily-Rose wrote: »

I am on the fence here. I don't think Guest is saying it's anyone else's fault, just that if everything is good at home, and the relationship is good, people don't usually cheat. Not USUALLY.

Guest is mainly right, but it has been known for people - usually men - to cheat when nothing IS wrong. Not often, but occasionally. I am not saying only men cheat BTW, just that men are more likely to cheat for no reason, whereas women will usually only cheat if they are unhappy...

But yes, some men will cheat just for the thrill of it. But as Guest says, it will be mostly because there is an issue at home. Lack of emotional connection, lack of affection, lack of communication, arguments over money, lack of sex, rows over anything, all sorts of reasons.

And let's face it, every single couple is going to experience one of the above at some point. That's life, that's relationships. But it's no-one's fault. And I don't think Guest was saying it was.

I think the OP does need to have a long chat with her husband about all this, but I do wonder how much of it IS in his head, and if there IS anything going on....

I have a friend who has a husband (married 15 years now) who was forever bragging about how this woman and that woman at work fancied him, and how when he and his mates went out, HE was the one the women flocked around. Long story short, it was all bull. No women flocked around him, and no women fancied him at work. He was saying it to make her jealous, because he thought he was punching above his weight, and wanted to make her feel lucky she had him!

It all came out when he told her about this woman at work who was 'making eyes at him' and coming on to him, and how she tried to kiss him, and asked him for sex after work.

Well my friend had had enough of hearing about all these women, and went to the workplace at 5pm this one day to confront this woman. Her husband saw her from the window and his face fell to the floor. My friend stopped the woman who was heading to her husband who was waiting 5 minutes walk away, and the upshot is that she didn't even really know who my friend's husband WAS. She didn't fancy him, and she had not asked for sex. He had made it all up! :rotfl:

It caused a massive row, this woman laid into my friend's husband, and he looked a total fool. He got a new job not long after, as he couldn't stay where he was. My friend left him for a month or so after what he did, but they got back together as he never actually DID anything with anyone.

This was maybe 5 years back, and he has never had any woman try it on with him since LOL.

Could it be OP, that your husband is maybe fantasising a bit? :cool:

I agree it could be.


Often signs of friendship are wrongly taken as flirting, especially when there's not much other contact with people. (ie in a long term relationship where socialising is infrequent)


I know that at previous job I was friendly with a colleague from another team. Have smoke breaks together etc. Occasionally id give her a lift to the bus stop. - Absolutely nothing going on. But it soon went about that we were having an affair! But there was no flirting or attraction at all, but it made it more awkward at work.


Different time, different job. I work closely with a colleague, and we couldn't be more opposite. But we do genuinely get on and there's some flirtatious banter. And no-one would even think we were at it behind our respective partners backs. It's just that kind of friendship.


I think what's really going on and what people perceive can be so different. HE may perceive she's coming on to him, but in reality she's just being fun and flirty, and in reality has no interest beyond making work less arduous.

Lily-Rose_3

Guest101 wrote: »

I agree it could be.


Often signs of friendship are wrongly taken as flirting, especially when there's not much other contact with people. (ie in a long term relationship where socialising is infrequent)


I know that at previous job I was friendly with a colleague from another team. Have smoke breaks together etc. Occasionally id give her a lift to the bus stop. - Absolutely nothing going on. But it soon went about that we were having an affair! But there was no flirting or attraction at all, but it made it more awkward at work.


Different time, different job. I work closely with a colleague, and we couldn't be more opposite. But we do genuinely get on and there's some flirtatious banter. And no-one would even think we were at it behind our respective partners backs. It's just that kind of friendship.


I think what's really going on and what people perceive can be so different. HE may perceive she's coming on to him, but in reality she's just being fun and flirty, and in reality has no interest beyond making work less arduous.

Yeah, I think the OP should investigate further. Chances are, he may be exaggerating things. I mean, thinking about it, if a man (or a woman for that matter) was having an affair, or thinking about having one, surely they wouldn't share information with their partner, about the other people ...

pickledonionspaceraider

Guest101 wrote: »

Different time, different job. I work closely with a colleague, and we couldn't be more opposite. But we do genuinely get on and there's some flirtatious banter. And no-one would even think we were at it behind our respective partners backs. It's just that kind of friendship.


.

Just because no one says it to your face, doesn't mean that they do not think there is more to this flirting behavior.


You keep poking at the OP, saying the same things in a slightly varied manner each time, looking for a reaction from a woman who is already upset.

Guest101

pickledonionspaceraider wrote: »

Just because no one says it to your face, doesn't mean that they do not think there is more to this flirting behavior.


You keep poking at the OP, saying the same things in a slightly varied manner each time, looking for a reaction from a woman who is already upset.

I'm not looking for a reaction (and her being a woman is totally irrelevant). I'm having a public discussion.


If anyone does think that, well it's up to them. My point was that perceptions are often wrong.

mcmanlyn

SarahandherCat wrote: »

He admitted last night that if I hadn't found out when he did he wasn't sure what would have happened with her,

Wait...so if you hadn't found out he 'might' have cheated on you...I mean that's awful, but I don't get his reason for admitting this - surely the sensible thing would be to say 'No honey, of course I won't/wouldn't do anything, I love you'

Why is he being so brutally honest? Is he perhaps using this as an excuse to shake you up as he's unhappy about something in the relationship?

Detroit

Guest101 wrote: »

I'm not saying every time it's the partners fault, some people might just be unhappy no matter the situation.


As I've said before people are responsible for their own feelings.


But deliberately pushing away the person you claim you love is guaranteed one result, They'll go elsewhere.

By adopting a relaxed attitude to something the OP clearly sees as unacceptable, she would be unlikely to achieve her goal of motivating her partner to change.

Her partner has behaved in a way she considers unacceptable, so she should reward him by making extra effort herself; and avoid driving him away by not mentioning the incident?

This would be all very well if the OPs goal was to retain this relationship at any cost, but I would think her goal is more likely to be to get her partner to change his behaviour.

I see little point in her taking action to maintain the relationship if this requires accepting behaviour that makes her unhappy.

Incidentally, to suggest that people only cheat due to unhappiness with their partner, or that the partner could minimise the risk of being cheated on by making an effort, shows a very limited understanding of human nature.

People can cheat for reasons that have nothing to do with their partner, their feelings for them, or their happiness in the relationship. For some it is solely about a need for novelty or attention that cannot be satisfied by their partner.

In such cases, the partner can do nothing but make the consequences to the cheating person clear.
It is then up to the latter person to moderate their behaviour if they don't want to lose their partner.

Guest101

Detroit wrote: »

By adopting a relaxed attitude to something the OP clearly sees as unacceptable, she would be unlikely to achieve her goal of motivating her partner to change. - This is the thing I disagree with. The OP doesn't find the behaviour itself unacceptable, she's quite happy for her partner to flirt with her friend. It's specifically related to this person. The title of the thread even points to this.

Her partner has behaved in a way she considers unacceptable, so she should reward him by making extra effort herself; and avoid driving him away by not mentioning the incident? - I think if she's promoted this behaviour in other situations, it becomes very blurred for everyone involved. What I'm saying is - the OP wants to make it work, but quizzing her partner is only going to push him away.

This would be all very well if the OPs goal was to retain this relationship at any cost, but I would think her goal is more likely to be to get her partner to change his behaviour. - I think it's a mixture. You cant have one without the other

I see little point in her taking action to maintain the relationship if this requires accepting behaviour that makes her unhappy. - But she needs to then be clear about it. You cant have a list: it's ok to flirt with x y and z, but not a, b or c.

Incidentally, to suggest that people only cheat due to unhappiness with their partner - I didn't say with their partner, I'm saying that typically people who are happy, whether that's from having an active social life, or financial security or affection or whatever tend to avoid actions that damage the home life , or that the partner could minimise the risk of being cheated on by making an effort, shows a very limited understanding of human nature. - Having a positive rather than negative approach of course minimises the chances

People can cheat for reasons that have nothing to do with their partner, their feelings for them, or their happiness in the relationship. For some it is solely about a need for novelty or attention that cannot be satisfied by their partner. - Totally agree, but the most common 'causes' are to do with happiness at home

In such cases, the partner can do nothing but make the consequences to the cheating person clear.
It is then up to the latter person to moderate their behaviour if they don't want to lose their partner.

I don't think threats are ever helpful in a relationship. It put partners on an unlevel playing field.


To be honest, I see it like this:


The OP obviously has some self confidence issues (as she has stated), which means that her partner is often asked about what he or she is doing, who's there etc etc.


Now this isn't healthy, because her partner faces a choice of:


Be honest and be told off
Or lie


Now I know people will say 'if you need to lie about it, you shouldn't do it', but if the OP is unreasonable (I don't know, but it's possible) about who her partner socialises with, when there is nothing going on, then I can understand his position.


If constantly faced with questions about his actions and showing total lack of trust in his ethics and morals, he's going pull away from the relationship

74jax

I flirt, my husband knows I flirt. Sometimes I flirt without even knowing it (is that even flirting....).


There's times when we want something (an upgrade for eg) or to complain about something and we joke if it's a girl he'll do it and flirt and if it's a bloke I'll do and flirt. It's just banter between us.


I get people flirt with me and hubby gets people flirt with him when we are both there.


As for this situation...... there's no way on earth I'd take the flirting to a level that I 'might' do something. I'm one of these people who still fancies their husband and still feels 'newly married'.


I don't understand why he would say what he has said, does he know how you feel, how HE has MADE you feel from his words and actions.

System

Often signs of friendship are wrongly taken as flirting, especially when there's not much other contact with people. (ie in a long term relationship where socialising is infrequent)

I totally agree. What could have been meant as a hand of friendship can be seen as 'encouraging' behaviour.

Men who i am attracted to will know it if i want them to know. To others i will be friendly to a point. Step over the line and i will be an ice maiden.

In my opinion there is no room for flirting with others when you are in a loving committed relationship... Well thats if you hold any sort of love and respect for your partner.

In my opinion flirting is as bad as playing games with peoples feelings. Like i said before, great if your both singing from the same hymn sheet.