Separate finances in a relationship

Melissao

Hi there.Im hoping someone can help guide me with my situation at home.I am living with my partner.i have three children from a former marriage.my ex pays maintenance.i also have a baby with my partner. As a couple we recieve tax credits.As you know tax credits are calculated based on your JOINT income.We have separate accounts.i recieve the maintenance.chid benefit.tax credits and small amount of wages from my part time job.He recieves his wages into his account.Up until now i have managed to buy all food and pay all bills and expenses( including nursery fees for our son) he pays for the mortgage.My eldest is about to start uni so i lose all money for him and this is going to criple me.he struggles to find a job as he has epilepsy.me and his dad agree to share the costs of these next few years at uni but....i kno i am struggling financially.i cant seem to get through to my partner that he needs to give me access to his money.that my tax credits are calculated on our JOINT income of which he is keeping it from me.i am overdrawn every month while he is saving! We are going on holiday and i am expected pay half of everything but after 20 years of marriage to my ex i know separation in families doesnt work.Hes very much his stuff and my stuff and i cant cope with it.we would be financially okay if i was allowed to manage both our incomes.How can i make him see his single guy attitude needs to alter so im not stressed to high hell and looking for support/advice on forums!

Guest101

To be honest you cant force him to.


It's his money and you shouldn't have access to it. What there should be is a fair system of contribution.


The best way to address this is to say, here is my income, here is yours and here are the expenses (whether you include your children from previous marriage is up to you both to decide - if not, then don't include maintenance in your income)


Once expenses are paid, you should each have a % of your income left.


For example:


You get £1000
He gets £1500


Expenses are £1000, it would be fair you to pay £400, him to pay £600 and you then have £600 left and he has £900 left.


OR you join everything up and split the left over 50/50


both systems can work.


What doesn't work is


You have £1000, he has £1500, you both pay equal in exepnses and he has a lump sum left but you dont

onomatopoeia99

Stop buying the food and paying the bills. That may concentrate his mind.

A fair way of running the finances is what works for you both. What is happening at the moment seems not to be fair, though you haven't provided specific enough information to make an objective judgment about that (many will do so anyway though )

AylesburyDuck

See, i just dont get the whats mine is my own mentality with a partnership.
Who in their right mind would see a partner struggle financially, let alone withhold money that legally should be shared. :eek:

Even after i gave up work and had the kids everything was still joint, both names, because in his eyes he works to support his family and not just himself.
Prior to this i worked to support him through uni.
Partnership, maybe the starting point would be to ask him his definition of the word?:o

Person_one

Its a shame that you have a baby with a man who refuses to share, but that's done now and you can't change it.

If he knows that you are going overdrawn, that you can't afford to meet yours and your childrens' needs, and he doesn't care, then I'm not sure that there's really anything any of us here can suggest to help.

Don't pay half of a holiday if its going to put you in debt. Cancel it, tell him why.

Guest101

AylesburyDuck wrote: »

See, i just dont get the whats mine is my own mentality with a partnership.
Who in their right mind would see a partner struggle financially, let alone withhold money that legally should be shared. :eek: - Legally implies there is a law saying it should be shared, can you clarify?

Even after i gave up work and had the kids everything was still joint, both names, because in his eyes he works to support his family and not just himself.
Prior to this i worked to support him through uni.
Partnership, maybe the starting point would be to ask him his definition of the word?:o

I'm not saying you are wrong by the way, I agree, I just don't think that legalities need to come into it

Melissao

Hiya thanyou all for your opinions.i dont want to force him to help more.its the fact that our finances are dictated to by our tax credits which are based on our joint income.i get all together bout 1600 every penny of which easily goes on food bills fuel nursery etc.he gets 1300 and pays a 552 mortgage.his fuel and his dogs pet insurance...thats all.he has savings ( a few thousand) and always saves money .he can afford to go out and also buy new clothes.i get my clothes from charity shops and never go through the door.he has mild depression and when i try speak to him it sends him spinning and with 4 kids a job and tight money i feel very alone.i thought we were a partnership you see.like i was used to when married.Our cars.our money our family.its always your kids.your car.your money etc.i dont know which way to turn.

Melissao

☺hes a good kind guy.he doesnt mean to be like this.hes just settled down late in life and is used to being separate.i guess a bit of me feels grateful.he took me on with 3 kids and he loves em and they love him.i guess i need shake that mentality .....

Guest101

Melissao wrote: »

Hiya thanyou all for your opinions.i dont want to force him to help more.its the fact that our finances are dictated to by our tax credits which are based on our joint income.i get all together bout 1600 every penny of which easily goes on food bills fuel nursery etc.he gets 1300 and pays a 552 mortgage.his fuel and his dogs pet insurance...thats all.he has savings ( a few thousand) and always saves money .he can afford to go out and also buy new clothes.i get my clothes from charity shops and never go through the door.he has mild depression and when i try speak to him it sends him spinning and with 4 kids a job and tight money i feel very alone.i thought we were a partnership you see.like i was used to when married.Our cars.our money our family.its always your kids.your car.your money etc.i dont know which way to turn.

Whoa £1,600 on basic essential! that is a twist on it. Nursery is typically £700-800, that still leaves a very significant amount.


Presumebly he pays for his phone, his insurance, mot, tax too? Food whilst he's at work?


They aren't 'his' kids though, unless he chooses to take on that role, I don't see why that would be his issue.

Guest101

Melissao wrote: »

☺hes a good kind guy.he doesnt mean to be like this.hes just settled down late in life and is used to being separate.i guess a bit of me feels grateful.he took me on with 3 kids and he loves em and they love him.i guess i need shake that mentality .....

there's nothing wrong with wanting an equal partnership.


Assuming your costs are correct and we'll add a few hundred to his for the above mentioned things.


In total your household expenses are approx. £2400 with an income of £2900, it doesn't seem unreasonable to spread that extra across both of you.

Candyapple

Melissao wrote: »

Hiya thanyou all for your opinions.i dont want to force him to help more.its the fact that our finances are dictated to by our tax credits which are based on our joint income.i get all together bout 1600 every penny of which easily goes on food bills fuel nursery etc.he gets 1300 and pays a 552 mortgage.his fuel and his dogs pet insurance...thats all.he has savings ( a few thousand) and always saves money .he can afford to go out and also buy new clothes.i get my clothes from charity shops and never go through the door.he has mild depression and when i try speak to him it sends him spinning and with 4 kids a job and tight money i feel very alone.i thought we were a partnership you see.like i was used to when married.Our cars.our money our family.its always your kids.your car.your money etc.i dont know which way to turn.

Melissao wrote: »

☺hes a good kind guy.he doesnt mean to be like this.hes just settled down late in life and is used to being separate.i guess a bit of me feels grateful.he took me on with 3 kids and he loves em and they love him.i guess i need shake that mentality .....

How long have you been together?

Why would you want to be with someone like this, who is supposed to be your partner but will quite happily watch you buy your clothes from charity shops whilst he saves? Because you feel grateful that he took you and your 3 kids in? That is just sad.

Have you both sat down together and properly discussed finances?

Do you live in the same house?