Separate finances in a relationship

AylesburyDuck

maman wrote: »

You are a partnership of sorts but you're not married. Even if you were then no one would be able to enforce how you organise your finances until divorce happens. Even then you can just walk away without a financial settlement if you choose to as you know.

You're going to have to find a time to talk this through without setting him off as the only way forward is to negotiate. It would seem that as you're likely to lose some income when your eldest goes to university then now is a good time.

What I'd suggest is that you
write everything down and show your OH why it is you can't manage. It could be that he'll just tell you that you should be able to manage on the money you have. It might be he decides to bale you out from his savings. That's his choice.



I read that the OP has the tax credits paid to her account along with child benefit, her own salary and maintenance payments for the three older children. Her OH simply has his own salary.


It's strange but when I read the title of the thread I thought it'd be another of those where the man earns mega bucks and the woman far less and she's moaning that he won't split things 50:50. Instead this is a situation where the OP has the larger income and resents the fact that her OH has money left over and she doesn't. I'd want to see a lot more detail of where the £1600 is spent before passing judgement on what's fair or not fair. Writing down something like a SoA might give OP a basis for discussion.

Re read, god knows what i read. Sorry. :eek:

Savvy_Sue

If he gets very stressed talking about this, is it worth finding someone to act as mediator and listen to both of you? Or write down where your money is going, and a letter explaining why you can't pay half of the holiday?

One compromise might be to keep your own accounts, but have a joint account for some things, like holidays. You'd have to agree how much was going into it, but you'd each have some money you could (hopefully) call your own.

I do hope you each have a will, especially if the house is either his or yours (we're guessing his). Since you're not married, you could be in a very difficult place if anything happened to him.

melanzana

Leaving aside the money issues, as you are not married and only he is paying the mortgage, you are in effect a lodger in his house.

Please be aware of your circumstances if you ever split up. Not saying that's going to happen or anything, but still.... be aware.

The only thing I can say is, have a conversation with partner about all this. If he dismisses your concerns straight off, I think you will have to look after your own health and move on maybe. Doesn't sound a happy situation as it is.

But then again, we only ever hear one side of the story in a post, so all I can say is, check your situation regarding any entitlement if the worst happened and you split up. It may be a shock since you are not married and you do not make any contributions to the mortgage.

Tough love.

Wish you the best though. Get those big girl pants on and sort it out NOW!

Guest101

melanzana wrote: »

Leaving aside the money issues, as you are not married and only he is paying the mortgage, you are in effect a lodger in his house.

Please be aware of your circumstances if you ever split up. Not saying that's going to happen or anything, but still.... be aware.

The only thing I can say is, have a conversation with partner about all this. If he dismisses your concerns straight off, I think you will have to look after your own health and move on maybe. Doesn't sound a happy situation as it is.

But then again, we only ever hear one side of the story in a post, so all I can say is, check your situation regarding any entitlement if the worst happened and you split up. It may be a shock since you are not married and you do not make any contributions to the mortgage.

Tough love.

Wish you the best though. Get those big girl pants on and sort it out NOW!

Sorry a partner cannot be a lodger.

missbiggles1

Melissao wrote: »

Hi there.Im hoping someone can help guide me with my situation at home.I am living with my partner.i have three children from a former marriage.my ex pays maintenance.i also have a baby with my partner. As a couple we recieve tax credits.As you know tax credits are calculated based on your JOINT income.We have separate accounts.i recieve the maintenance.chid benefit.tax credits and small amount of wages from my part time job.He recieves his wages into his account.Up until now i have managed to buy all food and pay all bills and expenses( including nursery fees for our son) he pays for the mortgage.My eldest is about to start uni so i lose all money for him and this is going to criple me.he struggles to find a job as he has epilepsy.me and his dad agree to share the costs of these next few years at uni but....i kno i am struggling financially.i cant seem to get through to my partner that he needs to give me access to his money.that my tax credits are calculated on our JOINT income of which he is keeping it from me.i am overdrawn every month while he is saving! We are going on holiday and i am expected pay half of everything but after 20 years of marriage to my ex i know separation in families doesnt work.Hes very much his stuff and my stuff and i cant cope with it.we would be financially okay if i was allowed to manage both our incomes.How can i make him see his single guy attitude needs to alter so im not stressed to high hell and looking for support/advice on forums!

Why do you think you'll be crippled by your son's university costs? He'll receive his student funding package and you won't need to keep him any more.

melanzana

Guest101 wrote: »

Sorry a partner cannot be a lodger.

Why not? OK maybe if they are sharing a bed she cannot be considered a lodger in the strict sense.

But on the other hand, what would OP be entitled to if the relationship broke up?

Genuine question. If her partner is paying the mortgage and she is not named on the deeds for example, then surely she is a lodger nothing else. No rights or entitlements. She could be kicked out next week.

She is just paying her way and that of her children. Only one child is a product of the relationship AFAIS.

Guest101

melanzana wrote: »

Why not? OK maybe if they are sharing a bed she cannot be considered a lodger in the strict sense.

But on the other hand, what would OP be entitled to if the relationship broke up?

Genuine question. If her partner is paying the mortgage and she is not named on the deeds for example, then surely she is a lodger nothing else. No rights or entitlements. She could be kicked out next week.

She is just paying her way and that of her children. Only one child is a product of the relationship AFAIS.

She's paying towards the mortgage by paying the bills etc fully. She'd be entitled to a share of the value

She is not a lodger

misswansea

To me the trouble seems to be that you can't talk to him about it.
You say you feel alone, making it harder to cope with the stress of not knowing if you can afford to help you eldest through uni as you would like to.

At the very least set aside some time to explain you situation to your partner. Hard to do calmly but he should be able to support you emotionally if not financially, that's what partner means.

What's right/fair for your joint finances should be decided between you, and what was ok at the start of your relationship clearly isnt working for you 6years in. Did the arrangements change at all whgen his child was born?
if you need too cancel the holiday because you cant afford it he deserves to see how you arrived at this decision

Out of interest how much extra would your tax credits be if you were single?

melanzana

Guest101 wrote: »

She's paying towards the mortgage by paying the bills etc fully. She'd be entitled to a share of the value

She is not a lodger

Unless she has contributed to the mortgage or the deposit, or home improvements, she is not entitled to a share in the property.

It is a common misconception. Co habitants are not married and therefore have less rights than married couples do.

http://www.compactlaw.co.uk/free-legal-information/relationships-family-law/unmarried-couples.html

TBagpuss

I agree that there is no single right answer. It sounds as though the underlying problem is that you and your partner are not communicating effectively.

I'd suggest a couple of things.

One is to sit down, write out a budget / statement of affairs (and maybe post it on the debt free board) to see whether there are any ways in which you could better manage the money you have. Also work out what you will have once your eldest leaves and your tax credits etc. change.

The second is to sit down with your partner and discuss your joint finances.
I would suggest that when you do your statement of affairs you split out the proportion of the costs which relate to your older children, from those which relate to you, him and the child you have together. He may feel that it is not reasonable to expect him to support your children, but it may be feel ore reasonable to him to share the costs of the child you have together- why do nursery fees come out of 'your' money rather than being split, for instance?

The fact that tax credits are based on your joint income doesn't mean that all income should be shared, so I would not approach it on an 'it's not fair' basis', but rather on an 'here are the facts. I'm really struggling and I can't afford this, we need to discuss this'

If you are currently paying everything except the mortgage, the other thing it may be worth you ding is working out where you would stand if you separated. Would you be entitled to things such as housing benefit of council tax benefit? I am not suggesting that you end the relationship but it may help you to put things in perspective, and if you find that your partner is unwilling to discuss things or to consider any changes, then you will be in a position to make an informed choice - do you want to stay with him but struggle financially, or to leave, be financially self-contained, and accept that living together is not practical because you are financially incompatible.

It's possible that it may also be helpful to show him what his financial position would be if the two of you were not together - if you were not there, he would have to pay child support for his child, and would not longer have help with the bills, so he would be worse off financially.

Think of other options, too. Would it be possible for yu to increase your working hours? perhaps you would work an extra couple of days and you and he could split the portion of the nursery fees not covered by the tax credit paid for those fees.

But the bottom line is that you and he need to talk about this and try to work out arrangements which work for you both. If you can't do this alone, then RELATE, or a mediator, or even a neutral, mutual friend, may be able to help.