Separate finances in a relationship

Marvel1

Ok now that it's all 'sorted' in terms you bought house together and are tenents in common. I know you spoke and he agreed to help more, but I would find it useful (if not done):
Both sit down and write down all outgoings againt your ingoings and go from there.

System

missbiggles1 wrote: »

I appreciate that but, if he isn't living there he won't be costing anything for his keep, which is a big saving that many people in the OP's situation tend to forget.

Depends if they have to contribute to his living costs, my brother and sister are both at uni and live in halls (as thats literally the nearest accommodation and if they lived further a field wouldnt be any better off because of transport costs). My dad was due to retire this year instead he;s still working to contribute to their accommodation costs (they do work part time but that plus loans is not enough for living costs), so perhaps that plus loss of CB is whats worrying the OP?

Melissao

Hi.we are all sorted for now.i sat down with him.showed him all outgoings and incomings.broke down the expenses i was paying for our son and hes agreed to pay half which is better.my son is not living at uni.hell be living at home.so i still have to feed.clothe him etc.yes he has a student loan but thats his and not really to pay for his upkeap.me and his dad are going to control his loan by giving him the money when needed.hes not going to be spending it on beerlike i said a job would be ideal but his condition even though controlled annoying and unfairly makes that hard.Hence him getting as best as education as poss! The whole issue really was about the emotional side too.we are someones mum n dad...a team.there is no I in team.thankyou for all your advice some helpful others a bit judgemental but that was expected and i am now off to get my daughters gcses so hopefully today will be a good day.x

Savvy_Sue

Glad you and he managed to talk and make some progress. Actually this isn't ever just one conversation: how things are will change and develop over time.

Melissao wrote: »

my son is not living at uni.hell be living at home.so i still have to feed.clothe him etc.yes he has a student loan but thats his and not really to pay for his upkeap.me and his dad are going to control his loan by giving him the money when needed.hes not going to be spending it on beerlike i said a job would be ideal but his condition even though controlled annoying and unfairly makes that hard.Hence him getting as best as education as poss!

At this point I have to disagree with that bit I've bolded: I know that the student loan for living at home is lower than the student loan for living away from home, but to my mind at least some of it IS for his upkeep.

That was definitely the view I took when DS3 didn't get a place in Uni halls when he first started at the local: he was sure he would, I was sure he wouldn't - why would they give a place to someone who lived a mile away in preference to students from the other end of the country? I explained that it was NOT all his to spend on beer, or even on books, some of it was to pay for his food at home. I can't remember what I asked for, I think it was probably £200 per month which was what his big brother paid when he unexpectedly came home after graduating. Whatever it was, it left plenty for beer, and books.

As it happened, he was offered a place in halls after the first month - which again, didn't surprise me as I knew there would be students dropping out all over the place. We had a few weeks when I'd know he'd been home because the fridge had been raided - classic comment from him "do you KNOW how much MEAT costs?" "Yes darling I've been buying it for you for years, haven't I?"

Anyway, the other thing to say is that even though he's living at home, I hope you're encouraging your son to gain all the lifeskills he'll need when he moves out: I used to make mine do their own laundry, for example, when they were in 6th form, AND pay them an allowance into their bank account, but THEY were responsible for withdrawing cash when they needed it.