Separate finances in a relationship

paddy's_mum

He is paying a mortgage and therefore keeping a roof over the heads of them all, presumably at no cost to the OP.

Perhaps that money should also be factored into the equation.

Guest101

paddy's_mum wrote: »

He is paying a mortgage and therefore keeping a roof over the heads of them all, presumably at no cost to the OP.

Perhaps that money should also be factored into the equation.

Agreed.


I appreciate there's a lot of people to support, but £1,600 all on bills and essentials (not including housing) is a staggering amount.


there must be places where money can be saved

Angry_Bear

enthusiasticsaver wrote: »

I think he does not want to pay for your three children from a previous marriage. Have you sat down and looked at how much you spend on bills and food?To be honest I would cut the bills to utilities only and refuse to buy food for him, just you and your children. If he is that selfish why are you with him?

While I understand the urge to do this, I would think that once you've descended to this level of tit-for-tat then the relationship is pretty much doomed.

AylesburyDuck

Guest101 wrote: »

Whoa £1,600 on basic essential! that is a twist on it. Nursery is typically £700-800, that still leaves a very significant amount.


Presumebly he pays for his phone, his insurance, mot, tax too? Food whilst he's at work?


They aren't 'his' kids though, unless he chooses to take on that role, I don't see why that would be his issue.

Family of 6
Say your nursery is correct at 800 takes it down to 800
food family of 6 including baby milk and nappys, well i do my grown up family of 6 on 100 a week so say 150 times 4 (some months x5) thats 600 at least, gives her 200 left.
petrol, electric,gas, water, clothes for children, school uniform, school trips...........................you see where im going with this?
Fair enough some of the children are not his, but is it factored in for the purpose of tax credits? If so then its even more relevant because why should he keep money meant for the benefit of ALL the kids. (Do the children even factor into it?)
I can quite honestly see where her money goes and that it may not be stretched.

MrsSave

You mention nursery, and then mention your small amount of wages from your part time job. I'm assuming your ds is in nursery 1 or 2 days a week then? Other than that you're paying for groceries and utility bills? £1600 seems more than enough for that? As a household we bring in around £400 more than that and pay nursery, mortgage, etc and manage fine.

After all essentials how much do you have left over, and the same for your Dh. I'm guessing the amounts would be pretty similar. How much do you spend on groceries? Is there a way of cutting back there?

It's difficult when there's new partner and children from a previous relationship. You need to sit down and have all your bills/expenses written out so that you can both see how much is left over.

maman

Melissao wrote: »

Hiya thanyou all for your opinions.i dont want to force him to help more.its the fact that our finances are dictated to by our tax credits which are based on our joint income.i get all together bout 1600 every penny of which easily goes on food bills fuel nursery etc.he gets 1300 and pays a 552 mortgage.his fuel and his dogs pet insurance...thats all.he has savings ( a few thousand) and always saves money .he can afford to go out and also buy new clothes.i get my clothes from charity shops and never go through the door.he has mild depression and when i try speak to him it sends him spinning and with 4 kids a job and tight money i feel very alone.i thought we were a partnership you see.like i was used to when married.Our cars.our money our family.its always your kids.your car.your money etc.i dont know which way to turn.

You are a partnership of sorts but you're not married. Even if you were then no one would be able to enforce how you organise your finances until divorce happens. Even then you can just walk away without a financial settlement if you choose to as you know.

You're going to have to find a time to talk this through without setting him off as the only way forward is to negotiate. It would seem that as you're likely to lose some income when your eldest goes to university then now is a good time.

What I'd suggest is that you
write everything down and show your OH why it is you can't manage. It could be that he'll just tell you that you should be able to manage on the money you have. It might be he decides to bale you out from his savings. That's his choice.

AylesburyDuck wrote: »

Absolutely true,
OP as he receives the tax credits to his account would he be of a mind to at least transfer that portion to you for family use.

I read that the OP has the tax credits paid to her account along with child benefit, her own salary and maintenance payments for the three older children. Her OH simply has his own salary.


It's strange but when I read the title of the thread I thought it'd be another of those where the man earns mega bucks and the woman far less and she's moaning that he won't split things 50:50. Instead this is a situation where the OP has the larger income and resents the fact that her OH has money left over and she doesn't. I'd want to see a lot more detail of where the £1600 is spent before passing judgement on what's fair or not fair. Writing down something like a SoA might give OP a basis for discussion.

Guest101

maman wrote: »

You are a partnership of sorts but you're not married. Even if you were then no one would be able to enforce how you organise your finances until divorce happens. Even then you can just walk away without a financial settlement if you choose to as you know.

You're going to have to find a time to talk this through without setting him off as the only way forward is to negotiate. It would seem that as you're likely to lose some income when your eldest goes to university then now is a good time.

What I'd suggest is that you
write everything down and show your OH why it is you can't manage. It could be that he'll just tell you that you should be able to manage on the money you have. It might be he decides to bale you out from his savings. That's his choice.



I read that the OP has the tax credits paid to her account along with child benefit, her own salary and maintenance payments for the three older children. Her OH simply has his own salary.


It's strange but when I read the title of the thread I thought it'd be another of those where the man earns mega bucks and the woman far less and she's moaning that he won't split things 50:50. Instead this is a situation where the OP has the larger income and resents the fact that her OH has money left over and she doesn't. I'd want to see a lot more detail of where the £1600 is spent before passing judgement on what's fair or not fair. Writing down something like a SoA might give OP a basis for discussion.

Indeed, I appreciate family of 6 etc etc. , but ultimately the OP would be supporting a family of 5 on even less.


It seems to me that there needs to be compromise. on both sides.

maman

Guest101 wrote: »

Indeed, I appreciate family of 6 etc etc. , but ultimately the OP would be supporting a family of 5 on even less.


It seems to me that there needs to be compromise. on both sides.

I agree, which is why I suggested informed discussion rather than the 'it's not fair' angle.

Laconic

Actually were the OH not in the picture, the OP would have a family of 4 and no baby, meaning no nursery fees and the freedom to work more hours. There would be less income from child benefit but also less outgoing. Then again, the OP would be able to get housing benefit as well, so she could be better off...

Given that he is in the picture and has added significant cost to OP's life in the form of a baby, it's time to seriously talk. Sure, there are likely to be cuts that can and should be made, but it should be a much more shared burden.

FBaby

Your problem is that you moved in with him before discussing this and now you are discovering that you are not agreeing on something that is absolutely fundamental to sharing a life together. It certainly should have been agreed before you decided to have a baby together.

Before I moved in with my OH, we sat down and had a chat about what we thought was fair to both of us. Situation was similar to you, I came with kids, he didn't and similar income. The agreement we came up to which we were both satisfied with was to keep our finances separately, but that we would work out who paid what on the basis that we would end up with a similar disposable income. Because I have many more outgoings than him, it meant that he paid quite a lot more towards the bills than I, however, he was left with disposable income that he could spend on himself whereas mine goes to myself and my kids. Still, I thought is was absolutely fair, after all, he became much 'poorer' deciding to share his life with me and my kids whilst I was better off, so it seemed very fair. The reality is that he usually paid when we went out, always paid half for holidays and always made it clear that if I ever ran short, I should ask him.

Since then, we've married, but we still keep separate account, however, it doesn't feel like his and my money any longer.

In your case, it is hard to comment without knowing everything. Is it a case that he doesn't care that you are struggling to make ends meet? Or is that he thinks you are not managing your budget properly, so is your fault? Or maybe he thinks it is your choice to work part-time and therefore to have a reduced income.

Ultimately, there is nothing much we can say because there is only one way forward as has already been suggested and that is to seat down and reach a compromise.