Is having one weekend every now and again free of visitors that unreasonable?!

Noctu

lulu_92 wrote: »

My mum then came to pick me up and I asked her to watch the girls while I went upstairs to sort something out, then I come downstairs and his parents were there, no text or call to say they were coming over either! I wasn't happy about it and neither was OH.

Oof. Did either of you say anything to them about it? (easier said than done, I know)

Tammykitty

Lulu - happy you had the discussion with your OH, and hope you can move forward happily together!

lulu_92

Noctu wrote: »

Oof. Did either of you say anything to them about it? (easier said than done, I know)

I didn't as I had to leave. I think OH spoke to them.

I don't think he was annoyed because I was going out, it genuinely winds him up as well but as said on here he doesn't stand up to them often.

We were about to give my mum a belated birthday present, which is why we went upstairs, so we were even more annoyed when his parents showed up, as we got his mum the exact same thing and it's something very special so of course we didn't want her to see it and wonder why she wasn't given one.

Out,_Vile_Jelly

I don't have children, but most of my friends do and what they've all said is that they don't need stuff (the mountains of plastic tat toys and clothes that pile up as gifts), what they now value most is TIME. Whether that's a babysitter for a rare evening out, someone to mind them while they do some chores, or just another pair of hands so they can sit for 15 mins and actually finish a cuppa.

Whenever I visit those with infants, I always check in advance it's still ok to come, ask them whether they need any groceries and offer to help out with any houswork or gardening while I'm there. It would never occur to me to just turn up, demand cuddles and photos, and then bugg*r off again.

You need to have a frank discussion with your OH about boundaries and your future relationship with his family. Otherwise there will be a 25 page thread every six weeks, because this woman will certainly be making her presence known when the twins start nursery/go to school/have their first Christmas and birthday etc.

Candyapple

Lulu I’m pleased to hear that you seem to have had a decent conversation with your partner and he listened/opened up. I really don’t mean to sound negative but I only hope for yours and your twins’ sake he was being genuine this time and not just trying to soothe you with future faking. If you only take one thing from this thread let it be that ‘Actions speak louder than words’.

I know people can change, however it is usually only done after a lot of hard work and they’ve sought therapy/counselling and realised their mistakes and want to learn how to be a better person - but from some of the things he has said and done to you in the past which you mentioned in this thread, were major, major red flags (unforgivable in some instances) and I just don’t see how he can go from that – to being the man you want, without a deep shift in thought processes.

As women, one of the biggest mistakes we often make in relationships is thinking that we can change our partner. Whether that be through nagging, arguing, put downs, rewards/non-rewards etc. but the fact of the matter is, you cannot change a person. A person will only change themselves when they are ready, assuming they want to in the first place. And the older we get, the more baggage we have and the harder it is to change.

These are not minor issues you are dealing with; your partner needs to tackle the root cause of his problems with his family/mum and anything less than trying to understand and resolve why he is the way he is / conflict avoidant / doesn’t stick up for you / mummy’s boy, is only going to be paying lip service to the underlying conflict and you will end up going round in circles (as it appears you already have been for a while now) and ultimately you are going to have to deal with the inevitable fallout.

lulu_92

Candyapple wrote: »

Lulu I’m pleased to hear that you seem to have had a decent conversation with your partner and he listened/opened up. I really don’t mean to sound negative but I only hope for yours and your twins’ sake he was being genuine this time and not just trying to soothe you with future faking. If you only take one thing from this thread let it be that ‘Actions speak louder than words’.

I know people can change, however it is usually only done after a lot of hard work and they’ve sought therapy/counselling and realised their mistakes and want to learn how to be a better person - but from some of the things he has said and done to you in the past which you mentioned in this thread, were major, major red flags (unforgivable in some instances) and I just don’t see how he can go from that – to being the man you want, without a deep shift in thought processes.

As women, one of the biggest mistakes we often make in relationships is thinking that we can change our partner. Whether that be through nagging, arguing, put downs, rewards/non-rewards etc. but the fact of the matter is, you cannot change a person. A person will only change themselves when they are ready, assuming they want to in the first place. And the older we get, the more baggage we have and the harder it is to change.

These are not minor issues you are dealing with; your partner needs to tackle the root cause of his problems with his family/mum and anything less than trying to understand and resolve why he is the way he is / conflict avoidant / doesn’t stick up for you / mummy’s boy, is only going to be paying lip service to the underlying conflict and you will end up going round in circles (as it appears you already have been for a while now) and ultimately you are going to have to deal with the inevitable fallout.

I completely agree with you. I told him that actions speak louder than words and I can only take his word so many times. I think he is slowly realising that he can say no to his parents and he can make decisions for himself that don't include them.

Peter333

Poor Lulu. It can't be easy to be with someone who has so little respect for you and your wishes. I was also surprised to see you're not married. Does he not want to get married? Or is it you? Or both?

If he won't be on your side, then there isn't much you can do. Only keep getting stroppier and angrier about it. But that's not great either.

One word of warning, (to him,) if he IS so flippant about this, and leaves you to do all the mommy and wife stuff, (and it sounds like it to me!) he best be careful.

My wife's friend has a husband who has always left everything for her to do.... the housework, shopping, cooking etc, and also the child-rearing (2 girls, born mid 90s.) Including day trips, picnics, trips to the park, the zoo, the seaside, to pop concerts, to the dentist, the doctor, the hospital, and also optician appointments, and inoculations, etc, because HE was always too busy, and his job was waaay more important than hers (she worked 24 hours a week.) Plus, she always had to take holiday leave if the kids needed her for appointments or anything to do with the school, or if they were ill, (if it was one of her work days,) because he refused to use HIS holiday leave.

Now some 15-20 years on, the husband is sniffy and miffed, and has a bruised ego, because the 2 girls are much closer to their mother. They talk to her more, they confide in her more, they ask her to meet for lunch, they ask her on shopping trips, etc, and although they don't shut the dad out; he is treated more like an acquaintance than a dad.

Well, as he left 95% of the child-rearing to his wife, it's hardly surprising is it?

Just saying, as I am under the impression that your partner is the type who will leave everything that needs doing (housework, childcare etc,) to you.

Don't be a downtrodden doormat Lulu. Too many people have done this, and lived with it for years, and regretted it bitterly, later in life.

lulu_92

Some of your questions have been answered in previous posts but I can assure you he does not leave everything to me. When I was first on maternity leave he used to come home from work and get a bit irritated if dinner wasn't in the oven, but when I explained that my job was to look after the children first and sort everything out after if there was time he was a lot more reasonable.

We split housework, so his main jobs are hoovering, dusting, and ironing and mine are laundry, cooking, and general tidying, although of course this isn't a strict rules and we will do anything at the end of the day.

He doesn't leave the child rearing to me either. His job keeps us in the house and he adores his daughters and wants to do so much with them.

When I go back to work he will be the one staying at home so we do split things evenly in that respect

paddy's_mum

Peter333 wrote: »

Now some 15-20 years on, the husband is sniffy and miffed, and has a bruised ego, because the 2 girls are much closer to their mother. They talk to her more, they confide in her more, they ask her to meet for lunch, they ask her on shopping trips, etc, and although they don't shut the dad out; he is treated more like an acquaintance than a dad.

I knew someone like that too.

His come-uppance arrived on the day his eldest daughter chose her mother to give her away.

AylesburyDuck

Tammykitty wrote: »

As for the wilds of Wexford, every county in Ireland (Well 31 of them anyway) has wilds, Wexford is quite hilly around the borders with Wicklow and Carlow, and probably quite rural and wild in these parts!

Strangely the Irish Matriarc i know of lives in Carlow.
Small world.