Is having one weekend every now and again free of visitors that unreasonable?!

tea_lover

lulu_92 wrote: »

I do need to write a will. I told OH as well, his response was that if anything happened to him the house would default to his dad (he needed a guarantor when he bought the house when he was 22) and his dad "wouldn't make us homeless"

Heavens above lulu! So you're good enough to carry and look after twins, but you're not allowed to have any security to your own home?

Izadora

lulu_92 wrote: »

My issue with the bank account was that I only wanted the girls to have one account each in their names, to be opened by us so we can put birthday money into it. My parents never even thought to open an account, they save in a new savings account in their names then they will distribute the money at the right time. I thought this was a better idea and I did suggest it, but I was made to sound ungrateful.

Is there any particular reason you only want them to have one account? Personally I think I agree with your OH's mum on this one as it does come across as ungrateful, especially if you suggested that your parents' way of doing things is better.

Also, if they used to come round whenever they felt like it I can understand why they'd be a bit miffed that you now have an issue with them turning up at a pre-arranged time. Yes, I can see that having to give up your Sunday every week is a PITA but if you don't want to be flexible about letting them have their couple of hours a week with their son and grandchildren as and when they please then your MIL probably thinks that they can't win whatever they do. I'm not saying that it's right that she thinks that way, just that it's most likely her interpretation of the situation.

lulu_92

tea_lover wrote: »

Heavens above lulu! So you're good enough to carry and look after twins, but you're not allowed to have any security to your own home?

That was my response as well. I didn't know him when he bought the house, so fair enough but the lack of protection is staggering.

I do hate being off work sometimes as I have a lot of time to think about these things and I end up trying to talk to him about it all of the time. So he is at work now thinking everything is okay because there's not been one trigger today to make me feel this way. I do feel bad but at the end of the day I never thought my life would be this out of control.

barbiedoll

Lulu....sometime in the next hour, pick up the phone, call MIL and say....

"Hi, it's Lulu..just wanted to let you know that you won't be coming to ours on Sunday 28th August because we have other plans. Thought I'd tell you now so that you have plenty of time to make other arrangements. But you definitely won't be seeing us on that day because we have other plans, ok? We'll see you on your birthday but not the week after. Bye"

Then send her and FIL a text each confirming what you have just said. (Keep the sent texts!) Just something like...

"Just to confirm, you won't be able to visit us on 28/8/16 as we have other plans that day"

Resend the texts to them at least twice more, including the Friday and Saturday before your Sunday off. Don't reply to any nasty texts from her (not sure if she'd do this?) and if she calls, don't offer any explanation about your "plans", just keep repeating that you won't be seeing her on that day as you're otherwise engaged and that you'll see her on her birthday as arranged.

Make this a habit every few weeks or so and she may just get the message. If she asks what you did on that day (assuming that you managed to break free), just say that you spent the day as a family. Then change the subject.

With people like MIL, you need to keep repeating yourself like a broken record. By sending texts, it keeps MIL at arms' length, a phone call is common courtesy but if you can't face that, just send the texts.

Speak to OH first to let him know your plans and send him a copy of the texts as well to remind him that he is not to make arrangements to the contrary. His mother is bound to call or text him and he may well end up telling her that you have no plans and that she can come anyway. You must tell him that it's not going to happen and make sure that he knows not to say otherwise.


Small steps....

annandale

I think you need to have a serious think about whether you want to stay with your OH. You sound like you are being controlled by him and his family. I dont mean that to sound as harsh as it might have done but where is your happiness here? Does it matter at all? It doesn't sound like it.

lulu_92

Izadora wrote: »

Is there any particular reason you only want them to have one account? Personally I think I agree with your OH's mum on this one as it does come across as ungrateful, especially if you suggested that your parents' way of doing things is better.

Also, if they used to come round whenever they felt like it I can understand why they'd be a bit miffed that you now have an issue with them turning up at a pre-arranged time. Yes, I can see that having to give up your Sunday every week is a PITA but if you don't want to be flexible about letting them have their couple of hours a week with their son and grandchildren as and when they please then your MIL probably thinks that they can't win whatever they do. I'm not saying that it's right that she thinks that way, just that it's most likely her interpretation of the situation.

I never said that my parents did it that way. Merely suggested it as an alternative because they've got another grandchild coming in October and I said that way they could split the money evenly between the three, but they said they didn't care if one child ended up with more than the others. I'm totally grateful for them wanting to save money for the girls but to flat out demand documents and not even tell us where the accounts are located made me want to cooperate even less.

Turning up unannounced was a big no no. This Sunday arrangement never even got discussed, it just happened. They also pop over whenever they like in addition to it. All I ask is one weekend a month where they don't come over!! I have had one weekend of that when the girls were 6 weeks old, so 10 weeks ago!

tea_lover

You do have control, but not over how other people behave (unfortunately!)

Your OH won't marry you, won't do anything to make you secure in your home, won't make any future plans in case of death/disaster, and takes his mum's side pretty much all the time.

You can't control his behaviour, but you can control your response to it. Seems like your options are a) accept that is how he is and live with it, or b) leave. Hoping against hope for c) he wakes up one day and comes to his senses, will just lead to ever more resentment.

Andypandyboy

lulu_92 wrote: »

I appreciate how you've come to write this post and thanks for the honesty.

To us it was more important to conceive while we were able to before paying for a wedding, which I know can be done on the cheap but we have an idea of what we want. I am getting fed up that it doesn't seem to be on the cards right now as we've been together for 5 years, although I know I could propose to him and get things moving myself. He told me that he never proposed to his ex as he knew she wasn't the one for him, and I've told him that I feel that is why he hasn't asked me to marry him, especially after carrying and birthing his two children.

I think this last sentence is very telling. I don't think you feel secure in the relationship which means you will want to protect your territory and is why you and "MIL" clash so much. In my opinion this is probably one f the root causes of the issues and needs addressing now.

lulu_92 wrote: »

I've often thought that MIL and I have similar traits, but we clash by our differences. She is unwilling to accept OH can do anything wrong at all, that everything is always my fault. She is also downright rude, implying that I am an alcoholic because I once got very drunk and was sick (her son drinks way more than me but I digress).

Ignore her when she is rude or bite back, don't stew about it. Mothers of sons often think they can do no wrong, but essentially, they want them to be happy. If push comes to shove spell it out for her, that this constant battle is causing him stress and pushing you to the limit. Let her read between the lines and work out what could happen from there.

lulu_92 wrote: »

My issue with the bank account was that I only wanted the girls to have one account each in their names, to be opened by us so we can put birthday money into it. My parents never even thought to open an account, they save in a new savings account in their names then they will distribute the money at the right time. I thought this was a better idea and I did suggest it, but I was made to sound ungrateful.

People are different. Why should it matter what your parents do? I disagree their way is better, money in a child's name is just that, in their names it may never come to the child or if other grandchildren come along it may be distributed differently to how you expect. Let them save as they wish. This is one area you do not need to fight over,

lulu_92 wrote: »

I do need to write a will. I told OH as well, his response was that if anything happened to him the house would default to his dad (he needed a guarantor when he bought the house when he was 22) and his dad "wouldn't make us homeless"

Wouldn't he? What if you fell out over issues surounding his demise and MIL forced his hand? In the circumstances you describe you are essentially a lodger. I would be having a very serious talk with OH about the future and about putting your relationship on the footing it deserves as the mother of his infant children.

That is the issue that shouldn't be compromised on. All the rest is fluff.

lulu_92 wrote: »

I compromise where I can. There's so many things that I could have held out on but I picked my battles in the end.

Nappies are currently upstairs out of the way, I will be donating and giving away soon.

You appear to be locked into this battle and it spills over into all aspects of your life. Get the basics sorted, feel secure, secure your kids futures and from there you will be able to see what actually matters and what you can just roll your eyes at where MIL is concerned.

itsanne

There are way more issues here than the original topic.

However, a few observations:

You're repeatedly doing the same things and expecting different results. That's not going to happen. You need to change how you tackle things.

It's true that there's no reason why you should have to go out so your 'inlaws' can't come, but the reality is that if you don't nothing is going to change. So make a point of going out temporarily. If they turn up and you're not there, they'll believe you in future when you tell them you won't be in. Also, you want the quality time to be in the house while your OH doen't view that as being important. That probably makes it even less likely that he'll take a stand with his parents. If you plan to go out he may well be more willing to go along with the idea, which then sets the precedent that his parents don't have to come every weekend.

Pick your battles. To be perfectly honest, I think you're making a completely unnecessary fuss about the bank accounts. They shouldn't be given the birth certificates for the practical reason that they might try to open accounts where only one of that type is allowed (eg JISA) and then you wouldn't be able to do the same, but other than that there's no reason why they shouldn't save for their grandchildren. In fact, from their point of view, if you eventually leave your OH they wouldn't want you to have control of the accounts they're saving into.

Does you're OH understand how you actually feel about the situation? Perhaps it would be worth showing him this thread? That way he could see both how you feel and that most people think that what you want is reasonable.

With a single four month old baby you'd be tired. With twins the tiredness must be far, far worse. That will make it all the more difficult to cope with the situation. Try to avoid doing things you would not do under normal circumstances (eg making threats about leaving unless OH does what you want). The exhausting time will pass, but the repercussions of what you do won't .... and you want the repercussions to be positive ones. Frustrating as it may be, persuasion would be better than coercion in getting your OH to support you.

lulu_92

tea_lover wrote: »

You do have control, but not over how other people behave (unfortunately!)

Your OH won't marry you, won't do anything to make you secure in your home, won't make any future plans in case of death/disaster, and takes his mum's side pretty much all the time.

You can't control his behaviour, but you can control your response to it. Seems like your options are a) accept that is how he is and live with it, or b) leave. Hoping against hope for c) he wakes up one day and comes to his senses, will just lead to ever more resentment.

You're bang on.

I suppose I feel trapped for many reasons. I love him dearly and don't want to leave but I can't keep living like this.