Is having one weekend every now and again free of visitors that unreasonable?!

newcook

do they come at the same time every weekend? if so, tell them in advance you have plans, and if they do turn up yell to OH that his mother is here and you'll be back later and leave him to entertain them while you and the kids go and feed the ducks/have a meal out/walk in the park.

if they ask to come with you say no and that you are visiting a friend.



or when you answer the door to them say its not a good time but you'll see them next week and close the door.

Marvel1

chesky wrote: »

Meant to add the babies' clothes too.....

Why the babies too?

lulu_92

cjdavies wrote: »

Why the babies too?

why would I, the mother on maternity leave, move out and not take my daughters who are my entire world to be cared for by someone working full time?

I get the point you're trying to make but seriously?

LannieDuck

cjdavies wrote: »

Why the babies too?

Because she's the one doing 90% of the childcare.

He works, she's on mat leave. She hasn't specified how they split it at weekends. I agree with you that there shouldn't be an automatic assumption that kids always stay with their Mum, but when their Mum is the primary caregiver it makes more sense than the other way around. Either way, this isn't the right thread to have the discussion.

Pollycat

lulu_92 wrote: »

I know, I'm not going to be the one he chooses any time soon. Pretty much summed up by us not being married. Resentment is growing every day so I can imagine it blowing up sooner rather than later.

I think this says it all, Lulu.

It's not really about your in-laws, you are not happy with how your OH treats you.

cjdavies wrote: »

I don't know but why do the twins have to leave and not just her?

Well, she's the one on maternity leave right now.
In fact, how many Mums of 4 month old babies would consider packing a bag and leaving them behind?

And I really do doubt that Lulu would want her in-laws having a major say in the upbringing of her children - which is what would happen if she left the twins with her OH.

AylesburyDuck

cjdavies wrote: »

I don't know but why do the twins have to leave and not just her?

cjdavies wrote: »

Why the babies too?

Maybe because its hard to imagine a mother wanting to leave there Children behind, especially from a situation they themselves cant tolerate so are walking away from.
Some do, but i imagine its a very hard conversation to have with grown up children as to the why of it!

pmlindyloo

Have been doing a little reading about this and wondered if this would make sense to you?

I am so sorry to hear that things are not going well with your OH over this which is why I have decided to post.

From what I have read it seems that your OH has not yet moved from the first love of his life - his mother - (know that seems silly but apparently well documented) to the next love of his life - you. He now has to make that move so that you become the most important one in his life and he assumes that mantle by wanting to protect you (and that includes from his mother!)

At the moment he is caught between the two most important people in his life and is trying to please both.

To make that shift requires time and a little patience on your part. And this is the difficult part. Why shouldn't you be the most important one at the moment? It seems that for some men with such domineering mothers this shift takes some time.

My reading then suggests that the way to make this happen more quickly is to make your OH into the leader in the family - this can be done in subtle ways by agreeing with him on simple things - I trust you to make the right decision type thing . In time he will then become the man of the house and will want to protect his family, thus becoming more dominant and the shift from having two women in his lives will shift to having you as 'the one'.

Does this make any sense? I know it seems to go against the grain to us 'liberated women' but it does make sense to me.

Can you detach yourself emotionally from the whole thing? Can you bite your tongue yet still 'stand strong' inwardly.

Research also show that MILs like yours become less domineering when they are not met with aggression (no matter how carefully disguised). They feel less threatened and so do not have to show their dominance.

I know this may seem very 'airy fairy' to some and I can understand that. There are lots of posts about being firm etc etc but this is tearing your relationship with your OH apart. In a strange way , if this happens, your MIL will have 'won'.

Please just take a moment to consider this - do a bit of reading about domineering MILs on the net - and please please don't let this ruin your relationship with your OH.

candygirl

lulu_92 wrote: »

It took me ages for them to do that as they'd just pop round as they wished. This arrangement is exactly that. At 11am every Sunday they're at the door. I suppose I can use this information to my advantage.

I'm confused now . What's the arrangement?Do they text? If so why are they still turning uo at 11am every Sunday?
If they're texting your OH, n he's encouraging them round, simply go out before they come, and stay out long enough for him to be inconvenienced with feeding, nappy changing etc ;)The penny will only drop when this affects him, in a negative way too x

borkid

lulu_92 wrote: »

I know, I'm not going to be the one he chooses any time soon. Pretty much summed up by us not being married. Resentment is growing every day so I can imagine it blowing up sooner rather than later.

That's the thing. I have no idea what account they want to open, where it is being opened, or anything! It was literally the two words "bank account" that they used to inform us. They are badgering for the birth certificates every week. The fact that I only wanted them to have one bank account each that were opened by us has gone largely ignored by all.

Do you have a safe place or a friend to look after the birth certificates? You OH might give in or from the sound of MIL she might go looking for them and just take them.

You need to know how much and where the money is for the future, after all if you have to declare how much the children have / interest earnt how would you know. Rules change all the time at the moment it's £1000 interest is untaxed but that could easily change especially in the next 18 years.

chesky

candygirl wrote: »

If they're texting your OH, n he's encouraging them round, simply go out before they come, and stay out long enough for him to be inconvenienced with feeding, nappy changing etc ;)The penny will only drop when this affects him, in a negative way too x

He'll just phone his mum to come over and do the necessary.