Is having one weekend every now and again free of visitors that unreasonable?!

Mojisola

chesky wrote: »

He'll just phone his mum to come over and do the necessary.

His Mum doesn't do nappy changing - she hands the babies back to lulu.

Georgiegirl256

catkins wrote: »

As I said above, not everyone is good at standing up for themselves. OH grew up with arguments and screaming and shouting (between his parents and between him and his mum) from very young.

I didn't grow up with anything like that and both my parents are fairly shy and probably too easy going and I take after them.

Well I didn't grow up in a house with arguments, screaming and shouting either. My Dad was quiet and so laid back. My Mam is a fairly quiet and (to a point) laid back person too. However, she's strong and not afraid to stand up for herself, and I admire that about her, and I guess some of that has rubbed off on me too, because I won't let anyone walk all over me. You don't have to have grown up in a house like your OH did to be able to stand up for yourself.

I can understand people not liking confrontation, I really can, but being put up on again and again and again? There's got to be a point where you do stand up and do something, otherwise what's the alternative?

AD, I've made you a space.

Andypandyboy

I expect this won't be well received but.....

This is not something that has just started. the power struggle between you and "MIL" has, from your other posts been ongoing for a long time. It appears to me that the circumstances just change periodically; where once it may be going to visit them, going on holiday with them, Christmas, birthdays etc, it is now children and seeing those children when it suits.

Given that, why would you put yourself into such a vulnerable position by having children and by not being married? Within such a set up you have the balance of power. Here, you are just the live in partner who has had the children.

You and MIL sound equally pig headed to me. Your OH wants a quiet life and seems weak and indifferent.

You have to take some control and also be prepared to compromise. No one is entirely stupid, make MIL see where her best interests lie, make OH see where his lie. See where your own lie and work on trying to accommodate everyone to a degree.

Be honest, if you favour your own parents it will show, and MIL will react accordingly.

As for the bank accounts, photocopy the birth certs and let them open an account. It is their money and they can save for the children as they wish. Why stress about that. Nappies, tell them they don't suit the girls and that you have passed them on to friends or take them to the local woman's refuge. Take control, but do it fairly.

Tell them they will have to vary their visiting schedule as you have plans for some Sunday mornings. If they arrive and you are out so be it. They will get the message if you offer alternatives that suit you.

candygirl

Mojisola wrote: »

His Mum doesn't do nappy changing - she hands the babies back to lulu.

Exactlt andif Lulu's not there, Mummy's boy will be stuck with two wet n hungry babies

Mojisola

candygirl wrote: »

Exactlt andif Lulu's not there, Mummy's boy will be stuck with two wet n hungry babies

That's not very fair on the babies.

AylesburyDuck

Mojisola wrote: »

That's not very fair on the babies.

Only if OH is the sort to leave them wet and hungry, and if he is then the question would be why on earth would she want to stay with a person like that.

lulu_92

AylesburyDuck wrote: »

Only if OH is the sort to leave them wet and hungry, and if he is then the question would be why on earth would she want to stay with a person like that.

He definitely would never do that, he's not a monster.

candygirl

Mojisola wrote: »

That's not very fair on the babies.

Should've completed my sentence ."-Two wet and hungry babies, that he'll have to sort out, just like she does every day when he's at work ."
The idea is to inconvenience him enough for the penny to drop. I wasn't encouraging child neglect! :rotfl:

AylesburyDuck

lulu_92 wrote: »

He definitely would never do that, he's not a monster.

Awesome, i am so glad to hear that.:)

lulu_92

Andypandyboy wrote: »

I expect this won't be well received but.....

This is not something that has just started. the power struggle between you and "MIL" has, from your other posts been ongoing for a long time. It appears to me that the circumstances just change periodically; where once it may be going to visit them, going on holiday with them, Christmas, birthdays etc, it is now children and seeing those children when it suits.

Given that, why would you put yourself into such a vulnerable position by having children and by not being married? Within such a set up you have the balance of power. Here, you are just the live in partner who has had the children.

You and MIL sound equally pig headed to me. Your OH wants a quiet life and seems weak and indifferent.

You have to take some control and also be prepared to compromise. No one is entirely stupid, make MIL see where her best interests lie, make OH see where his lie. See where your own lie and work on trying to accommodate everyone to a degree.

Be honest, if you favour your own parents it will show, and MIL will react accordingly.

As for the bank accounts, photocopy the birth certs and let them open an account. It is their money and they can save for the children as they wish. Why stress about that. Nappies, tell them they don't suit the girls and that you have passed them on to friends or take them to the local woman's refuge. Take control, but do it fairly.

Tell them they will have to vary their visiting schedule as you have plans for some Sunday mornings. If they arrive and you are out so be it. They will get the message if you offer alternatives that suit you.

I appreciate how you've come to write this post and thanks for the honesty.

To us it was more important to conceive while we were able to before paying for a wedding, which I know can be done on the cheap but we have an idea of what we want. I am getting fed up that it doesn't seem to be on the cards right now as we've been together for 5 years, although I know I could propose to him and get things moving myself. He told me that he never proposed to his ex as he knew she wasn't the one for him, and I've told him that I feel that is why he hasn't asked me to marry him, especially after carrying and birthing his two children.

I've often thought that MIL and I have similar traits, but we clash by our differences. She is unwilling to accept OH can do anything wrong at all, that everything is always my fault. She is also downright rude, implying that I am an alcoholic because I once got very drunk and was sick (her son drinks way more than me but I digress).

My issue with the bank account was that I only wanted the girls to have one account each in their names, to be opened by us so we can put birthday money into it. My parents never even thought to open an account, they save in a new savings account in their names then they will distribute the money at the right time. I thought this was a better idea and I did suggest it, but I was made to sound ungrateful.

I do need to write a will. I told OH as well, his response was that if anything happened to him the house would default to his dad (he needed a guarantor when he bought the house when he was 22) and his dad "wouldn't make us homeless"

I compromise where I can. There's so many things that I could have held out on but I picked my battles in the end.

Nappies are currently upstairs out of the way, I will be donating and giving away soon.