Adult sharing bed with non-relative teen

Detroit

I think the problem here is that, leaving aside misleading the child's parents, which few would argue was acceptable if deliberate, whether the situation is 'odd' or not is very subjective.

You clarified you didn't fear abuse and asked if it was odd for your MIL to share the bed in an 'all girls together' way.

This is not behaviour that is black and white in terms of legality or morality, and so any answers people will give you will be rooted in their own feelings and personalities.

They would consider how they would feel/behave if they were the MIL, friend or friends parents and answer you accordingly.

However, the only views that matter are those of the people concerned, primarily the girls, so anything expressed here cannot be of any use in helping you identify if this is ok.

If everyone here says it's ok, but the girls are uncomfortable, it's not ok, and vice versa.

You have been asked more than once, including by myself how the girls feel, but have not replied. This is the only information that is going to get you a useful answer.

Anything else is just chat and discussion, which is fine, as long as you're prepared not to be offended by the more forthright opinions or to have people question you when it is difficult to be constructive with the information given.

TheCountofNowhere

Detroit wrote: »

I think the problem here is that, leaving aside misleading the child's parents, which few would argue was acceptable if deliberate, whether the situation is 'odd' or not is very subjective.

You clarified you didn't fear abuse and asked if it was odd for your MIL to share the bed in an 'all girls together' way.

This is not behaviour that is black and white in terms of legality or morality, and so any answers people will give you will be rooted in their own feelings and personalities.

They would consider how they would feel/behave if they were the MIL, friend or friends parents and answer you accordingly.

However, the only views that matter are those of the people concerned, primarily the girls, so anything expressed here cannot be of any use in helping you identify if this is ok.

If everyone here says it's ok, but the girls are uncomfortable, it's not ok, and vice versa.

You have been asked more than once, including by myself how the girls feel, but have not replied. This is the only information that is going to get you a useful answer.

Anything else is just chat and discussion, which is fine, as long as you're prepared not to be offended by the more forthright opinions or to have people question you when it is difficult to be constructive with the information given.

The reason I ignored the question was:

1) at the time I didn't have the answer

And

2) I disagree that it's important to my question. In my opinion, it doesn't matter if the child is happy to share a bed with an adult they barely know. I consider that inappropriate, others clearly disagree.

It turns out that there was significant fallout over this issue which resulted in them staying in my house for the final night of their trip (in separate rooms and their own beds!), the interest in this story has been compared to watching paint dry by the beloved Pollycat, so forgive me for not being forthcoming.

I feel like providing this information earlier would have generated confirmation bias and would detract from the point of the question.

Pollycat

TheCountofNowhere wrote: »

the interest in this story has been compared to watching paint dry by the beloved Pollycat, so forgive me for not being forthcoming.

Your advice:

TheCountofNowhere wrote: »

Just be nice. Life is too short.

Does it not apply to you too?

TheCountofNowhere

Pollycat wrote: »

Your advice:

Does it not apply to you too?

You're clutching at straws there.

Please just be nice.

meer53

TheCountofNowhere wrote: »

The reason I ignored the question was:

1) at the time I didn't have the answer

And

2) I disagree that it's important to my question. In my opinion, it doesn't matter if the child is happy to share a bed with an adult they barely know. I consider that inappropriate, others clearly disagree.

It turns out that there was significant fallout over this issue which resulted in them staying in my house for the final night of their trip (in separate rooms and their own beds!), the interest in this story has been compared to watching paint dry by the beloved Pollycat, so forgive me for not being forthcoming.

I feel like providing this information earlier would have generated confirmation bias and would detract from the point of the question.

Your question was really pointless to anyone not involved in this situation.

TheCountofNowhere

meer53 wrote: »

Your question was really pointless to anyone not involved in this situation.

Sorry about that

Andypandyboy

TheCountofNowhere wrote: »

The reason I ignored the question was:

1) at the time I didn't have the answer

And

2) I disagree that it's important to my question. In my opinion, it doesn't matter if the child is happy to share a bed with an adult they barely know. I consider that inappropriate, others clearly disagree.

It turns out that there was significant fallout over this issue which resulted in them staying in my house for the final night of their trip (in separate rooms and their own beds!), the interest in this story has been compared to watching paint dry by the beloved Pollycat, so forgive me for not being forthcoming.

I feel like providing this information earlier would have generated confirmation bias and would detract from the point of the question.

To post on a forum you presumably wanted other opinion? If, to form that opinion those who are not involved in the family dynamic ask for further information, then if possible, it should be provided.

You haven't answered any of the questions I posed, so I cannot give a considered opinion. I imagine others feel the same. That is your prerogative, but it contradicts the reasons for posting on a forum.

TheCountofNowhere

Andypandyboy wrote: »

To post on a forum you presumably wanted other opinion? If, to form that opinion those who are not involved in the family dynamic ask for further information, then if possible, it should be provided.

You haven't answered any of the questions I posed, so I cannot give a considered opinion. I imagine others feel the same. That is your prerogative, but it contradicts the reasons for posting on a forum.

I wanted opinions on whether it's ok for an adult to share a bed with a non-relative child.

If I had added "where the child doesn't want to" or "when the child doesn't mind" I would have got opinions that were biased towards the preference of a child.

Children should not be relied upon to make mature decisions on whether it's ok to share a bed with an adult they hardly know. I am sure you must agree.

Detroit

TheCountofNowhere wrote: »

I wanted opinions on whether it's ok for an adult to share a bed with a non-relative child.

If I had added "where the child doesn't want to" or "when the child doesn't mind" I would have got opinions that were biased towards the preference of a child.

Children should not be relied upon to make mature decisions on whether it's ok to share a bed with an adult they hardly know. I am sure you must agree.

The phrasing of your last paragraph is designed to make it impossible to disagree, as as a general principle,without context of gender, age, motivation or circumstance, most would err on the side of caution.

However you explained there was no risk of impropriety, so all that's left to consider is the opinion of the children concerned, surely?

You obviously feel strongly about this, so I'm not sure why the affirmation of people here is necessary.y

If you have courage of your own convictions, I don't see why it's necessary for strangers to be your cheerleaders.

TheCountofNowhere

Detroit wrote: »

However you explained there was no risk of impropriety, so all that's left to consider is the opinion of the children concerned, surely?

I completely disagree. I find it hard to believe that you actually believe this and instead are caught up in the wave of sentiment against the new forum poster.

You are correct that I am certain there is no risk of impropriety. The child does not know this and neither does the child's parents. That's why it's inappropriate for my MIL to put the child in this position regardless of the child's opinion."All that's left to consider is the opinion of the children concerned" is a remarkable thing to say.

Why can't you just say you agree?