Crazy Cat Lady Chapter 2 - Groundhog Day

crazy_cat_lady

Hello you lovely lot :hello:
Sorry I've not been back for a day or two. I'm struggling a bit. The mood isn't really lifting much but I'm determined that I will get through it somehow. Clean eating is going well - I'm managing to make wise choices and although I am desperate for my favourite Coke Zero I'm not giving in.
I saw the doctor again this morning - this time about my knee. It's definitely swollen and she's referred me for Xray and physiotherapy, which I will get round to. I can get round on it ok as long as I have the strapping on.
I am lucky that I have you lot on here and my friends in real life. I'm a nightmare when I'm at the height of anxiety - I worry about literally everything and see the worst case scenario in everything. I tried to talk to dh a bit about it last night, but he didn't say a single word back to me. That's really upset me. I was hoping for some help and support from him. I ended up losing my temper about it all, and am back to feeling hopeless about our relationship again. It's both of us - I'm struggling and now he's struggling as well. He is definitely drinking too much again and I've told him straight that it is a problem - whether he believes me or not. He's responded today by spending the whole day in bed and refusing to give up. I've spoken to him to try and explain that sometimes I want him just to support me, but here we go again. I'm trying not to think too much about it because I'm not in a good place mentally for dealing with it so I am leaving him to it. I wonder how long this is going to last - I'm not naïve enough to think that everything will always be sunshine and roses but the good needs to outweigh the bad. Ah well.
Sorry to come on here and just moan. I need to get my head back into a good place, and to do that I need to eat well and rest. So I'm eating well, not doing any school work or any knitting and I'm just resting lots. Hopefully I'll be ok and back to my old self sooner rather than later.

kirtsypoos

So sorry things are not good today CCL. It's difficult when both you and OH are in a tough place mentally - you probably don't have the mental capacity at this point to support each other in the way you both need.

I really hope you start to feel better soon. Please get your knee x rayed ASAP - having medical issues on your mind won't be helping you.

I remember you saying you are good at catastrophizing when my counsellor raised it with me - being aware of it is great but I know how difficult it is not to get into that spiral when you are feeling less than stellar anyway.

I guess what I'm saying is, it must be tough for you and DH at the moment - try not to read too much into things as he may not realise how much of an affect his lack of empathy is having on you. Take care of yourself and keep posting - there are so many people here for you (in RL also) and we can try and be a sort of support system when DH isn't really up to it.

Big hugs x

SpekySquarehead

CCL - You should never feel guilty about 'moaning'. You've always got a few ears here who are happy to help in anyway we can. Your story of your DH the other night reminded me of a picture that I seen a while ago and in trying to find it I cam across the below story;

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see . . February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90- day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.

And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their ......

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

"What?" says Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have . . Oh, I feel so......"

(She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time," Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

"Yes," he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Roger," she says.

"Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say:

"Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"


---

What I take from this story, which I find ring soooo true in my own relationship, is that sometimes the feelings we sometimes get from actions aren't meant. I've been guilty of the above, I'll hold my hands up. I seem to miss certain signs, however obvious my GF makes them. So maybe this be same case with your and your DH. I hope at least.

I hope the above joke also raised a little smile at the same time.

Good luck with the Xray!

When_the_going_gets_tough

Brilliant! Love it!

Bobarella

Cat sorry to hear DH is drinking again. How long has that been going on?

Buffythedebtslayer

Sending love Cat XX you underestimate how exhausting teaching is and you have two children and God only knows what is going on with your fella, any one or two of them is exhausting and stressful having all three means I think you have very little respite. Versus me - teaching and no kids and no relationship just pets to look after. I ache, I am tired, some days I sit on my bed and cannot move because I am just too flat, too done to shift. I do eventually move but it is like my batteries need constantly charging. And all I have to do is look after my pets! (currently I have left the hay in the car and so don't want to go out to the car!) The job is the biggest reason why I have neither kids or a relationship, I am always working and never have time to meet people and cannot conceive of how I would keep up if I had other demands on my time.

Go and see your best friend. or go and sit in a coffee shop or cinema (I like the cinema it is a good distraction) just anything to give you an actual break.

I so hope you are ok. I know without the constant of school how other bits of life creep up and smack you in the face.

love Buffy XX

crazy_cat_lady

Morning all :coffee:
Sorry I didn't get on yesterday. DH refused to get out of bed at all, so had spent about 30 hours in bed not doing anything. I eventually got him up and got him to eat something but things aren't looking good. I tried to talk to him but he says he has absolutely nothing to say to me at the moment. Probably I am overthinking everything (your story rings true Speky except me and dh are both terrible overthinkers) but I know I don't have the capacity to keep treading on eggshells any more. The truth is hard to accept and I have certainly given him a few home truths. I know I have hurt him with the things I've said, but I'm entitled to my feelings and I still feel them. I feel like I have supported him and carried him through the very worst that life has thrown at us and that we just keep ending up back at the same place and that actually I'm starting to look like a bit of an idiot. He started drinking again a few months ago - reckoned he could control it - but of course you can't control an addiction. He explained to me at the time that he wasn't feeling any better for not drinking and really wanted a drink. That quickly escalated from a couple of cans a couple of times a week to being every night again. He's averaging about 5 cans a night at the moment. All of the things he spoke to me about - not being affectionate enough, not spending time with each other - he stopped those again by sitting up late night drinking and then not getting up until he had to. It was such a bizarre 'last straw' on Monday. I went to make the kids a sandwich and he'd eaten the last of the ham late night. He always has the money to buy his drink and snacks but never, ever thinks about anyone else. I told him that if he was so bothered about having food in for himself then to get up and come shopping with me at some point. And that led to the other stuff - him not helping at home, now basically prioritising everything above his family life. I know that it's hurtful to him but it's true. He does nothing at all to help - he seems to think that to go to work and come home is enough. If he gets no pleasure out of life then he should do something about it other than drinking himself to death in front of me and the kids. He's still never had any counselling or talking therapy since ds was born. I really think that it would be the best thing for him. GAH! I am so frustrated that I'm now having to step up to being the one keeping the family together when I just don't feel like it.
I need to do what I've always done - make sure me and the kids are alright. And we will be.
You did make me smile Speky - I'm always ok in the end and I will get through this. I'm just starting to think that I'm being taken for an idiot in this whole situation. Is it really selfish for me to want sometimes to be reassured by him? Don't answer that - it's all rhetorical.
Thankfully, as always, I'm surrounded by plenty of other friends who are always there for me. I'm lucky to have so much support. I just need to believe in myself a bit more for the moment.

smallholdingsister

Sending hugs xxx

Florence_J

I had an alcoholic mother. She's been clean now for over 10 years but I have made it clear to her if she started drinking again I would cut her out of my life without a second thought because I would not go through what I went through again.

Concentrate on you. An addict has to help themselves, they usually cannot be helped by other people.

I don't want to sound harsh or cold, It is obviously not as simple as that, but concentrate on yourself because you can make positive changes.

You have every right to your opinions, no matter how much the truth hurts.

Eager_Elephant

Sending hugs ((( )))


My DH was exactly like your DH - if I raised anything with him that I was not happy about it would result in a sulk, if he didn't get his own way on something he would sulk and I pandered to this for years.
A few years ago I let him sulk and still carried on with what we had planned whether that was trips out or visiting family - he soon stopped the bigger sulks but carried on with smaller sulks where he would either stay in bed or lay on the sofa all day doing nothing while I ran around keeping the house, kids and animals ticking over.


I was reading up on Domestic Violence and I realised that actually I was a victim - not physical of course but the sulking and refusing to help with the house, kids and animals are all symptoms.
The next time he did the sulking I told him that it was a form of domestic abuse and was a way of controlling me by forcing me to either give in to him or by making me do everything. DH was mortified and denied it was a form of abuse but interestingly his sulks soon stopped and unless he has a bad head he does not spend all day in bed.


I don't want to accuse you of being in a DV relationship but I actually think you need to consider it - I know a lot of people think DV is about physical abuse but it isn't.


This page on the Women's Aid website is interesting - https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/recognising-domestic-abuse/


Sorry if I cause any offence but I just hate to see you suffering like this while your DH thinks only of himself.


I know you were looking at changing career but what about thinking about your marriage and whether that can be changed in any way to help your health.


(((CCL)))