Crazy Cat Lady Chapter 2 - Groundhog Day

twiggy86

CCL I found you! I've been awol for a while and wondered why you hadn't posted on your old thread! I haven't caught up properly but hope you're well and you get answers with the results you're waiting for. Off for a catch up!

crazy_cat_lady

Just back from my friend's big launch night. It went really well and there were lots of people there. I'm thrilled for her and hope that it continues to go as well into the Christmas season.
So there was good news and bad news from the doctors. Yes, I do have a couple of nodules on my thyroid, but there is no problem with my thyroid function. I'm not anaemic, or diabetic. I have to have a retest because my kidney function is borderline but the doctor is not concerned. It's great news that there's nothing physically wrong with my, but I'm devastated that I feel as bad as I do without good reason for it. I just feel like crying - I've been exhausted for months, and everything hurts when I move, and the only explanation is my weight and my stress levels - neither of which are an easy fix. I just want to feel better but I can't be bothered to do anything at all - not cooking, or cleaning or anything. All I want to do every evening and every weekend is sleep... The doctor says I'm doing too much and that I need a rest, and suggested that I get a cleaner in to help me round the house (because obviously I'm made of money). There's no miracle pill to help me after all. Just need to rest more, do less and eat better. All massive psychological things for me.
It's taking me a bit of time to get my head around...

AspiringButAnxious

Um, just because there's not a physical cause for how you're feeling doesn't mean there's "no good reason." Anyone reading through your diary for at least a couple of months can see that there are very good reasons. It's natural to respond to a prolonged, intense period of stress in this way. It takes its toll.

Also bear in mind that there are different aspects of mental health, which impact each other and can be tackled from different angles. I personally find a multifaceted approach most effective, so I use CBT techniques to tackle my negative thinking, exercise to increase "happy" hormones (though it has other benefits too), goal setting to keep me focused on making practical changes, meditation to stop myself ruminating, healthy eating (when I can) to keep my blood sugar stable and provide nutrition (several nutrients are associated with mental health, including tryptophan and B12), journalling to offload my thoughts without being judged or owrrying about what someone else might think, etc. Often, making a couple of small changes can influence other aspects of mental health — sometimes without the link being apparent, in my experience.

More than anything though, it's important to be kind to yourself. Don't judge yourself for feeling like this when there isn't a physical condition responsible — it's easier said than done and I get frustrated with my f**ked up mind for causing me problems, but I try to put it into perspective and think "if this did have a physical cause, how would it be different?" The answer is usually that I would use whatever treatments are available and effective to help myself; even if my instinct is to think I should be able to cope without putting so much effort into managing my mental health. Try to figure out what you need right now and how you can get what you need. What do you need to prioritise in order to manage your health? Don't pressure yourself to find the answers straightaway; there is always a lot of trial and error involved.

I think a lot of the problem with stress is that people think of it as "normal" so don't realise how bad it's getting until it has already had a huge mental and physical impact. I get stressed a lot because of my mental health problems and many people try to dismiss it, saying "oh, everyone gets stressed — I'm stressed". But the fact is that extreme stress is not normal and it takes over your life. There is no reason why anyone should be less sympathetic than if a physical illness or condition were causing your symptoms — you are no more to blame and your symptoms are no less debilitating.

I know it would have been easier to put all of this down to a problem which could be easily corrected with medication, but the good news is that there is a lot of information and support available for mental health nowadays. I have noticed a huge difference in even the past 5 years, let alone the 18+ since I first started struggling with mental health issues. Explore different options for what could help — even ones which seem weird can be very useful (I have recently been trying EFT/tapping) — and grab any help offered.

Long term stress might not be easy to treat or manage, but remember that it can be treated and managed. I'm off to try and take my own advice!

Bobarella

Glad to hear your friends launch went really well. And sorry you haven't found the answers you were hoping for.

As ABA puts it above, anyone who is familiar with your situation can understand why you are exhausted Cat. Im just thinking back to where you were this time last year and all you had to cope with and really I don't think you've had a real break since then.
People might flame me for saying this but unfortunately when you are the mum I think it's 50 times harder to get a break, even in a relatively stable set up. Kids always come first and they always need something. And women are hard wired to respond to that way more than men still. Add to that full time work and supporting your OH emotionally and financially a lot of the time and there you go. All the reasons you ever need to totally understand why you are exhausted.

I don't have any answers or quick fixes for you I'm afraid. But I'm sure if anyone looked up 'b@ggering on' in the dictionary they'd find your name next to it. Inspirational.

Eager_Elephant

((((CCL))))


I am so sorry that there is no actual diagnosis for how you are feeling. I can imagine it is hard to hear and to realise that life is the cause.


I know ABA briefly mentioned B12 as well. I wonder whether they tested your B12 count?
Lack of B12 can cause exhaustion, depression, brain fog etc.
My next door neighbour has various health issues but exhaustion was a big one for her, she had her B12 count done and it was so low to be almost none existent, she now has 3mthly injections and the difference in her is amazing. She can now walk (albeit slowly) round our allotment field with her dog every evening.


I meant to buy my DH B2 but picked up B12 and after reading up about it he started taking it and I noticed a difference in his energy levels and his mental health within a few days.
I also started him on Vit D which is another thing that when low can cause general aches and pains, depression and exhaustion.


I also find that when my DH eats 3 proper meals a day he is much more energetic - I know being a teacher restricts your eating pattern but wondered if you could make an extra effort to eat properly and at regular times? (When I say properly I mean at least some fruit and/or veg with each meal and also at regular intervals)


I'm with ABA and Bob with regards to your life - your life runs at 100mph and you have to keep up because there is no alternative but of course it is very stressful. How much is DH doing now? I know he works a later shift but can he start helping with housework and things at the weekend?
Do you lift share with anyone for all the children's activities?


I know before you mentioned a new career path - is this an option? How much do you actually need to earn each month to cover the bills? If you took a lower paid job closer to home would that help in any way?


I hope this weekend you can spend some time thinking through everything and realise you do have options.

lcc86

Hi CCL, sorry you're still not feeling great. I agree with those above, it could be that you need to take some time out and see if things change. I know this is MUCH easier said than done as a teacher of course. It's a bit of a catch 22, you can't stop and take a proper rest but at the same time if you don't get a chance to have a break you might burn out altogether.

A friend of mine was recently diagnosed with fibromyalgia, and she had some of the symptoms you describe. Not saying that's what you have of course, but doctors dismissed her pain for a long time and she had to keep pushing for tests etc. Just be sure to keep pestering your doctor, try the B12 injections if they will give them to you, just try everything you can until you can eliminate certain things. Doctors can sometimes be quick to make their minds up and saying you're doing too much isn't exactly helpful even though it may be right!

I hope you can get something sorted out soon.

crazy_cat_lady

Thanks everyone for all of your kind words and thoughts. I'm really overwhelmed by you taking the time to respond to me on here and help me to try and feel better. I have to confess I've spent most of my time feeling really sorry for myself since Thursday night. A lot of my mental health stuff has reared its head again - just a response to finding out that there's no magic pill that will make things better. My DH put it very well - like he was reading my mind - he said 'of course you feel down. You went to the doctors expecting that they could fix you, and they can't. It's a horrible feeling and how I feel when I go'. He is SO right.
I went to my training session this morning but my trainer didn't want to train - she wanted to talk. She is the most wonderful human being (and I'm always overwhelmed when people are nice to me) and she really helped. As most people do when I get an alternative perspective. She said that she can want it for me but if I don't really want it for myself then it won't happen. I tried to explain to her that the problem with being in a rut is that I have to do something to get out of it. She says that it's good that I'm not ill because it means that I'm in charge of my own health. I am less confident in my own ability to take charge of my own health but I will try... She also made me get another doctor's appointment to get my knee looked at because it's now so painful that I'm struggling to get up and down stairs, which isn't helping at all. I managed to get one for first thing Monday morning.
Then went to bestie's house for a cuppa and catch up, which was also lovely. She wants us to help each other - she needs to improve her diet (she has low bone density) so we're going to try and encourage each other on. To help us even more we finally have a supermarket in our town centre again - Lidl opened on Thursday :j:j
I have agreed the following goals with my trainer for the week ahead:
be accountable to her (keep a food diary and send it to her daily)
give up drinking coke zero (she says this is utter s**te and will be zapping my energy on its own)
Stop fussing about nsd's and go to Lidl every day if I have to in order to get healthy food
So.. onwards. I really do appreciate everyone's kind words. I'm not great at looking after myself and it tends to be the first thing that goes. I need to prioritise, and let things go that aren't important until I feel better.
DH still isn't great at helping round the house and I'm not great at asking him for help. He is in charge of rubbish and recycling. I need to get the kids on board a bit more...

Bobarella

So pleased you have good real life people around too. Your trainer sounds wonderful. And you always seem to get a lot from being with your best friend.

Have you ever tried positive visualisation with regards to your fitness goals? It works for some people. Like imagining what your perfect fitness would look like, how you'd feel if you could hit your goals, what other things that would lead to etc.

You are doing great Cat honestly.

Florence_J

I can sympathise about almost wishing there was something wrong as that is 'easier' to fix. Around this time last year I was suffering horrendously in the gastrointestinal department. Test results did seem to indicate an infection and when I was told that in the Dr's surgery I almost wept with joy. There was something wrong with me! That meant it could be fixed.

Then it turned out my test results were actually just over the borderline. And it was actually severe stress related IBS. i was working in a demanding call centre and considering I have a phobia of talking to anyone on the phone (even when talking to my OH i have to fight the urge to hang up because I find it so stressful) you can imagine it wasn't the best job for me to be in.

I still suffer from anxiety which i would say is severe but high functioning. Meaning I am almost constantly in a state of panic but can put on an air of calm or can plough on through it.

I wish there was a quick solution to your health concerns. They are real, they are major and they are important. I hope you find and take the time for yourself that you so desperately need.

For the record, I think you are a star. I think you are super. I feel worn out just reading your posts sometimes, it's no wonder you have the health concerns you do.

It won't be easy and it won't be quick. But I am sure now that you know it is down to you to fix it, then you will fix it in the same way you have helped all your other family members.

Take care. x

SpekySquarehead

Good luck with the doctors today!