Stil in love but no physical attraction

ecgirl07

missbiggles1 wrote: »

I don't think Detroit's comment about behaviour referred simply to actions though (in this case, eating and drinking), I took it to be about behaviour reflecting character within the relationship, like speaking hurtfully, being disloyal or a change of character.

Several people, myself included, have commented that a change of personality could indeed make you go off someone because that would be a change in the person themselves - what others fail to see as that, for some of us, appearance is simply a shell - if the person we love is still in there then nothing will change in our feelings. That's the point that people fail to understand.

I also question whether the OP is genuine, but it has led to an interesting discussion.

But appearance can and does affect the levels of attraction partners can go through with each other. A simple example could be husband decides to grow a beard, wife has never found men with beards a turn on, husband grows a beard and is less attractive. Wife has always had long hair, husband not attracted to short haired, women wife gets short hair cut and is less attractive.

There is nothing wrong in admitting that. Perhaps successful couple can ride this out and are confident that periods of less atteaction to each other pass.

missbiggles1

ecgirl07 wrote: »

But appearance can and does affect the levels of attraction partners can go through with each other. A simple example could be husband decides to grow a beard, wife has never found men with beards a turn on, husband grows a beard and is less attractive. Wife has always had long hair, husband not attracted to short haired, women wife gets short hair cut and is less attractive.

There is nothing wrong in admitting that. Perhaps successful couple can ride this out and are confident that periods of less atteaction to each other pass.

You might prefer your spouse to be clean shaven or long haired because you feel it suits them better but I don't see why it would change your feelings towards them - but that, of course, is the crux of the matter.

I'm afraid I just don't understand this "wife has never found men with beards a turn on.....husband not attracted to short haired, women " when you're talking about your partner of many years - I'd expect the individuals to have moved on from the preferences they had when dating.

ecgirl07

missbiggles1 wrote: »

You might prefer your spouse to be clean shaven or long haired because you feel it suits them better but I don't see why it would change your feelings towards them - but that, of course, is the crux of the matter.

I'm afraid I just don't understand this "wife has never found men with beards a turn on.....husband not attracted to short haired, women " when you're talking about your partner of many years - I'd expect the individuals to have moved on from the preferences they had when dating.

Why? People have type of physicalities they are attracted to, if a long term relationship broke up/ended people would revert back to the type when dating again. In a long term relationship you can still be attracted to other people, you dont close down your range of whats attractive to how your partner looks?

Pollycat

Gloomendoom wrote: »

Apologies. I didn't mean to imply that you are selfish, although I'll admit it does read that way.

Having said that, what is wrong with doing something to simply to please somebody else?

No need for an apology.

I believe I explained myself in response to another poster:

Pollycat wrote: »

Of course he appreciates the fact that I take pride in my appearance.
You 'know' me well enough from another thread to know that I wear tropical print maxi dresses & buy quality clothes.

My point was that I do it for ME and the fact that he appreciates that I look good is a bonus.

Sometimes I ask him if he likes what I'm wearing and he'll say 'it looks OK'. Other times he'll say 'WOW! You look great'.

My point is that if he says I look OK but I feel great, I'll not change my outfit.

As for my shape & weight, I really do do it for ME.
I want to look & feel good - and that also means feeling healthy - for ME.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with doing something simply to please somebody else.
I do lots of things to please my husband.
Keeping myself trim and well dressed just isn't one of them.

I'm not sure why you think it selfish to do something for yourself rather than for both of you.
I'd consider it selfish if I didn't do it at all.

firebird082

ecgirl07 wrote: »

Why? People have type of physicalities they are attracted to, if a long term relationship broke up/ended people would revert back to the type when dating again. In a long term relationship you can still be attracted to other people, you dont close down your range of whats attractive to how your partner looks?

I just don't understand this - I have never been attracted to a partner by looks, but always by personality. My husband is not what I would ever have thought I would find physically attractive, but I choose to find him attractive because I love all of him, not just because he looks how he looked when I married him!

Georgiegirl256

missbiggles1 wrote: »

Several people, myself included, have commented that a change of personality could indeed make you go off someone because that would be a change in the person themselves - what others fail to see as that, for some of us, appearance is simply a shell - if the person we love is still in there then nothing will change in our feelings. That's the point that people fail to understand.
.

I totally understand the point you are trying to make. However, if people were totally honest, then I'd say the majority of people would if there was an extreme change in appearance (that they didn't like) with their partner, go through periods of physical attraction waning.

Doesn't mean people stop loving them them though.

FBaby

- what others fail to see as that, for some of us, appearance is simply a shell - if the person we love is still in there then nothing will change in our feelings. That's the point that people fail to understand.

So what we can conclude is that for some it doesn't matter but others it does without making it wrong either way. Therefore it all comes down to communication as it would for any other matter of disconcordance in the relationship.

Lambyr

I don't believe you can always equate physical attraction and love.

I'm now in a same-sex relationship but when I dated guys, I wouldn't date one with a beard because I don't like kissing people with beards and since kissing is a big part of physical intimacy for me, yes, that would be a problem if I was with someone who grew one. It wouldn't change who they were inside but it would be a turn-off.

My girlfriend is my best friend and has been for many years, long before we became a couple. I've no doubt I'll love her no matter what. There are things we do that are a big part of the physical intimacy we share with each other. Some physical changes would make those things less desirable and could hurt that side of things. Fortunately, we both agree on many of them (eg. even if we were to win the lottery, no boob jobs! :rotfl:) but the love would still be there because love goes deeper than physical attraction.

Because I love her, I will obviously try and adapt to any change so it doesn't harm the physical side of our relationship since it is important to both of us. She's got some tattoos for example - they're not really my thing but I can accept the ones she's got. If - like someone I saw in a news article recently - she got Justin Bieber's face tattooed on her thigh, that may end up being a problem! I don't really want that guy staring at me!

For me though I guess part of it is listening to her and reading her reaction to things. I know what about my body she likes because I've paid attention to what she does, says etc. and since I want her to find me sexy and I want to turn her on then I put in the effort and work on it, and if I were to make a drastic change (eg. shortening my hair) I'd actually probably ask her first what she'd think of it, since I know she likes my hair the way it is now.

I guess to some it would sound like I'd let her make choices for my body but I tend to look at it as being our bodies are something that we share in our relationship so it's reasonable to seek the other's input on changes that can be controlled.

On the weight thing - as I said before, she likes me the way I am so I will work to keep that up because it's effort I'm putting in for her. I think if I suddenly stopped putting in that effort than that would say something about my personality, or at least indicate a change in it.

Gloomendoom

Pollycat wrote: »

I'm not sure why you think it selfish to do something for yourself rather than for both of you.

I must get another dictionary.

Georgiegirl256

Lambyr, as always, you explain things so well.