Stil in love but no physical attraction

System

Person_one wrote: »

Do people in relationships have a duty then, to try their hardest to stay looking as close as possible to the way they did when they first met their partner? What if they don't want to because they mature and feel more comfortable looking less perfect, or find that it takes more and more effort as they get older and detracts from enjoying life in other ways?

Its a good job the bf met me when i was fat then :rotfl:

coolcait

Watching the to and fro on the thread (or cut and thrust if you prefer) it doesn't look as if anyone really thinks it's just the aesthetics.

If it was genuinely just about the aesthetics, and people simply couldn't feel physical attraction if a partner's outer shell changed, then that would hold true whatever the cause of the changes in the outer shell. Even if the changes were due to illness or accident.

However, the consensus on this thread has been quite clear that, where changes due to illness/accident etc are concerned, "that's different".

It's not just about the aesthetics then, it's about the way people see - or judge - the reasons for the change.

If they judge that the reasons for the change are 'acceptable' then they will still feel attraction - aesthetics notwithstanding.

If they judge the reasons for change as 'unacceptable', they won't feel attraction.

The difficulty - as ever - with a thread which just gives us one side of the story is that we don't know why the OP's partner drinks so much, or eats so many nibbles.

She may have lost interest in 'looking good'; she may have lost interest in life. She may have lost interest in the OP, and is looking for comfort and consolation in other physical pleasures.

If we don't know why she is doing this, is it safe to 'judge' her?

As I see it, there is only thing about the scenario shared by the OP which is indisputable.

The OP's partner is drinking at levels which are unhealthy and unsafe.

In the OP's shoes, if I were going to speak to her about my concerns, that's the area I'd be talking about.

Detroit

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

It's not about being shallow whatsoever. I feel you're totally missing the point.

So, by your logic, a partner can stuff their face, put on weight, slob around, have no respect for themselves, but you'd love, respect and fancy them just as much as before?

I don't read Miss Biggles posts to indicate she is missing the point, just that she doesn't share the same outlook.

The OP at no point accused his wife of any of the above, with the exception of putting on weight. Quite the contrary, he made the point that she is happy with herself.
I saw no indication the woman 'slobbed' around or lacks self respect.

It's a significant leap to equate excess weight with these negative attributes.

The ONLY problem the OP stated he had with his wife is her changed body shape.
Posters who've found that difficult to empathise with see it as a trivial issue when considering a person as a whole, after a long marriage.

Some of those people who understand the OPs position seem to be assuming his wife, or other theoretical people who gain weight, have other negative traits that the posters see as synonymous with weight gain.
There is no evidence for this in the OP.

Georgiegirl256

Detroit wrote: »

I don't read Miss Biggles posts to indicate she is missing the point, just that she doesn't share the same outlook.

The OP at no point accused his wife of any of the above, with the exception of putting on weight. Quite the contrary, he made the point that she is happy with herself.
I saw no indication the woman 'slobbed' around or lacks self respect.

It's a significant leap to equate excess weight with these negative attributes.

The ONLY problem the OP stated he had with his wife is her changed body shape.
Posters who've found that difficult to empathise with see it as a trivial issue when considering a person as a whole, after a long marriage.

Some of those people who understand the OPs position seem to be assuming his wife, or other theoretical people who gain weight, have other negative traits that the posters see as synonymous with weight gain.
There is no evidence for this in the OP.

The point being, the wife in the OP might be totally happy with herself, but she is also totally unaware that it is causing problems in her relationship and so needs to be be told. If he OP doesn't fancy her as she is now, then he doesn't, there's nothing that's suddenly going to sort that out unless she does something about it.

Sitting round eating seconds, nibbles and drinking to excess on what appears to be a regular occurance = slobbing out. Not bothering about herself re eating healthily, keeping at a healthy weight = no respect for ones self.

There's no escaping the fact her weight gain is a turn off for the OP. Whether posters here like that or not, it's a fact (if indeed the story is real lol!), so what's to be done about it? The way some posters are reacting you'd think that just because the wife is ok then that's alright, other people think of their partners feelings.

If something is causing problems in a relationship then it needs sorting. Communication is important, and so if one person is unhappy they need to tell the other one, more problems come if the person does not take on board what has been said to them and does !!!!!! all about it. That to me, is disrespecting your partner.

marisco_2

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

I'm sorry, but there's no point in !!!!!footing around the issue, if it's causing problems in the relationship then the subject has to be broached. As diplomatically as possible obviously, but also as honestly as possible. What's the point in lying?

Exactly this. If a relationship of 20 years cant take a bit of honest, straight talking then it is already dead in the water.

Detroit

I'd agree completely with your last paragraph georgiegirl if we were talking about behaviour rather than appearance.
Behaviour can be challenged in an objective manner; when you do X, I feel Y.
Negative comments on appearance will feel much more personal, and as I said in an earlier post, I think the OP would be taking a risk in sharing his feelings with his wife.
Worst case scenario, she may decide if he doesn't like her, and appreciate her for who she is, they'll be others that do.

I've found it interesting to read of the standards some people would expect from their partners in terms of physical attractiveness, and can't help but wonder if they are all as attractive as they'd expect their partners to be!

I'm inclined to share your scepticism about the genuineness of the post Georgiegirl.
If I'd sparked all this discussion, I'd have been back by now to clear up any misconceptions and challenge any assumptions.

The OPs wife, in the eyes of some posters, is lazy, doesn't care about his feelings, has no self respect, has a drink problem, and has prompted mention of Waynetta slob!
Given how much he professes to love the woman, I'd have thought he'd have been back to defend her by now.

Georgiegirl256

Detroit wrote: »

I
Negative comments on appearance will feel much more personal, and as I said in an earlier post, I think the OP would be taking a risk in sharing his feelings with his wife.
Worst case scenario, she may decide if he doesn't like her, and appreciate her for who she is, they'll be others that do.

The OPs wife, in the eyes of some posters, is lazy, doesn't care about his feelings, has no self respect, has a drink problem, and has prompted mention of Waynetta slob!
Given how much he professes to love the woman, I'd have thought he'd have been back to defend her by now.

Yes, I agree, you'd have thought so wouldn't you?

Re your first paragraph, as marisco says, a relationship of that long a standing should be able to take some honest straight talking. It always amazes me how people won't talk openly and honestly with their partners. I'm obviously not suggesting going in heavy handed, but rather with a diplomatic approach. If he doesn't though, what's he meant to do, just carry on and cross his fingers and hope for the best?

Gloomendoom

Detroit wrote: »

I've found it interesting to read of the standards some people would expect from their partners in terms of physical attractiveness, and can't help but wonder if they are all as attractive as they'd expect their partners to be!

What does it matter as long as the partners are happy?

FBaby

I'd agree completely with your last paragraph georgiegirl if we were talking about behaviour rather than appearance.

In most cases change in appearance that impacts on body shape is due to behaviour. You can blame it on issues but you then refer about society problems since that's what it had become.

missbiggles1

FBaby wrote: »

In most cases change in appearance that impacts on body shape is due to behaviour. You can blame it on issues but you then refer about society problems since that's what it had become.

I don't think Detroit's comment about behaviour referred simply to actions though (in this case, eating and drinking), I took it to be about behaviour reflecting character within the relationship, like speaking hurtfully, being disloyal or a change of character.

Several people, myself included, have commented that a change of personality could indeed make you go off someone because that would be a change in the person themselves - what others fail to see as that, for some of us, appearance is simply a shell - if the person we love is still in there then nothing will change in our feelings. That's the point that people fail to understand.

I also question whether the OP is genuine, but it has led to an interesting discussion.