NST July - Own your choices

thriftylass

Eager_Elephant wrote: »

Ooh Thrifty, I feel you pain - have a (((( ))))


I think you are enabling him to continue as he is - while you provide items for the house he does not need to.


I have been here before with my DH, years ago we had a joint bank account and it worked well until he started running up credit cards and the minimum payment would come out of the joint account which to start off with was not much but when the minimum payment starts going up to the hundreds something has to give. DH has depression so he loves spending.


In the end I told him we would move to single accounts and have a joint bill account which is what we did. This worked well for quite a few years until the minimum payments on his debts were nearly all his wages but I still made him pay half into the bill account and half towards everything else.


I am not sure when matters would have come to a head but eventually he got really poorly and I took over the running of his accounts which I still do - on pay day I move all his money to where it needs to be and he has spending money. At the moment his depression is really bad so he keeps buying bits off ebay which he doesn't need and then tells me he needs £400 for new tyres for his truck:mad:


DH and I pay the same amount in to the bills accounts, the same amount into saving for household things, birthdays etc and then we have our own personal savings as well.


Could you suggest to your DH that you both need to save for household things and as a starter you can both put in x amount? Then move on to other things which he should be contributing to?


Has your DH ever done a financial statement? Does he have spare money to reduce his overdraft each month even if only by £50 or £100?

We never had joint accounts but always used to split things fairly. I.e. I pay child care, he pays the same in mortgage, I pay food, he pays the car, the insurances and the internet etc.

Fmess wrote: »

Hugs thrifty that used to be one of the huge issues in my relationship with my ex. I was also an enabler but when I tried not to, he was horrible to me and I always backed down. In the end I had enough. Good luck with getting through it.

Promise, otherwise he's a decent bloke

Bobarella wrote: »

Hi All

Thrifty Do you know what the spending is on? Is it bad decisions on every day items like coffee out, lunch out, a pint after work or is it buying stuff for himself? Can you physically see what the money is going on?
I am very sorry that he isnt supporting you in your goals. Have you found this issue will come to a head after a while before?
It isnt my place to judge your situation especially as I dont know all the facts. But I think I'd be 'suggesting/insisting' that he stops this behaviour PDQ because you are a family not 4 single units and his behaviour is sabataging your future. Very difficult situation but fixable. May call for tough love.

Thanks for all your replies. He might go for a run tonight so I might have a look at the actual statement but I don't think there is anything sinister going on. But as things are tight I think just the odd trip to the pub, plus taxi and work lunches (try to have left overs for him but doesn't always work, need to still adjust better as he only just started taking them occasionally), Friday beers and the odd lunch out as a family might actually be enough to eat up what he's got left after bills. That's why I don't go out and if I buy anything extra I'm over too. The plan was that we split things as before (mortgage, insurances, car -him; food, childcare, leccy - me) and I tackle the CC and savings as he admits I'm better with money. Then he was meant to use whatever he has got left to tackle his OD. Fair enough he's paid some big things like the ferry (£500 last year) but I think it's the everyday things that I try to avoid that add up so quickly. I mean three night out even just short ones incl taxi could easily amount to £150. I think he is just resisting the idea of having to tighten his belt as we earn good money, but everyday bills and childcare eat a huge chunk of it. I need to tell him about the difference in our attitudes. He sees money after bills as spending money I see money beyond the bills as savings or debt payment, IYKWIM. I also need to be more strict in saying no, like when he suggest to go to the farm shop to buy meat etc. and then explain why without just sounding stingy. Plus he needs to understand that, yes I am saving for the garden and house etc, but it is limited. He was a bit shocked when he realised he has to pay the car tax himself as I hadn't enough money saved. Well how, I earn 3-500 less then him (not sure, he won't give me a number). Major talk needed.

Now I'm angry with him because I want to spend money too. I need new gym wear, well I don't (just need to wash it everyday as I only got 1 1/2 set). One the one hand side I think sod it, he's spending so why can't I, then the sensible head kicks in and tells me I don't need to.

crazy_cat_lady

Morning all
I'm back and I made it! Survived until the end of term and now 6 weeks where relaxation is at the top of the list. Well, near the top... It was a close call, particularly as we had a nasty chemical leak in school yesterday, which meant that some of us weren't able to go to the annual pub jaunt yesterday afternoon but were in fact cleaning up and documenting reports etc. The heat has a lot to answer for - that's the third time we've had bottles of chemicals leaking because it's too hot.
It was also dd's prom last night. She's heartbroken to be finished at primary and cried the entire 15 mile journey home and then some. I feel ancient saying this, but it's not like when I was a kid. She has her phone, and Instagram and facetime etc. Bless her. It is hard times, but she was exhausted too so I'm hoping that she'll feel better today.
Not too much planned today - naughty tortie is at the vet (again) for (another) operation ££££££ It's a good job I love her so much. Plus I have a physio appointment this afternoon ££££. Other than that, no spends I hope - and a walkabout to collect Pok!mon - the kids are well into it. We're also doing our own version of mins game. Every day ds will roll his dice on my phone and that's the number of things we will each declutter. today will be 17.

SpekySquarehead

Morning,

Yesterday wasn’t a NSD as I bought a couple of things at the shop but I forgot to update my sig from the day before yesterday! Today should be a NSD as it’s my mates turn to buy the ingredients for fajitas as it’s FIFA and fajitas night. Although, reading Martins email I may look at some of the sale things, particularly the taste card.

I’ve not had the time to read through everyone’s posts, sorry. I’ll get round to it when I’ve got 10 mins.

apple_muncher

Here's a random question:

At what age do you reckon people should stop driving? I know this is highly subjective, and depends on many things, but what is your gut reaction?

Thank you!

thriftylass

My FIL was a driving instructor till he was 75. He is still driving at 78. So not sure. His reactions are still good but could change any day

Eager_Elephant

apple_muncher wrote: »

Here's a random question:

At what age do you reckon people should stop driving? I know this is highly subjective, and depends on many things, but what is your gut reaction?

Thank you!

I don't think age comes into it, really it's about quickness of actions and also sight.


I would like to see them introduce a compulsory age to be retested but you will still get people under that age who shouldn't be driving but are.


Have you got a driving issue within the family apple?

Eager_Elephant

Thought I posted again last night but obviously didn't - up to yesterday I had 10 NSD's.


Today has also been a NSD taking me to 11 - just need 4 over the next 10 days to meet my target.

apple_muncher

Thank you for the replies. Indeed, EE, there is an 'issue'. Not worth going into, and far too complex to make sense when written out, I was just wondering what people thought. And we are all influenced by who we know, and how they drive, and there is no one rule that fits everybody.

XSpender

2nd session with the PT today and then took the dog out for nearly an hour straight after.

We went to the local shop and dropped lucky as most of the salad items we wanted were ys so no NSD here.

Hot water has gone off again but luckily engineer is coming in the morning to fit another part. Just enough for a warm shower each.

Apple I drive 40k miles a year and see all sorts of ages driving terribly but I think everyone should be retested (and eye tested) at 65 and then yearly from 70

dizzyblnd

I thought I posted yesterday too but can't find it.

One more day before the hols n I'm limping thru. Totally lost track of nsds but think I'm within budgets.