Awkward Situation with the In-Laws

74jax

Bassetlaw_Badger wrote: »

they openly think he's just 'lucky' and mock to this affect.


I actually have no words to this, but if someone were to mock my widowed dad there'd be no way any my money would be going towards them.

Don't think being widowed at 54 and dementia at 60 is that 'lucky' if you ask me. I think he'd probably have his wife and marbles and no money any day!

I really don't know what to say, my dad died very recently and I think you and your family sound amazing. sorting things out as a family and planning for the future.


Good luck to you and trying to sort this, however I fear it is for your husband to sort not you, and from what you've wrote he isn't strong enough to sort it out.

AnotherJoe

Bassetlaw_Badger wrote: »

It is making us both ill...............:(

Some harsh love here. Thats your choice. You dont have to enable them, loan them money, continue the conversations when they rant.

You have the choice. Next time they ask, the answers "no", next time a voice is raised on phone, you hang up, immediately. If they call back and continue, hang up again immediately.

If you dont do this, its only going to end when you run out of money and you've wiped our your BTL. I'm sure the birthday gift for your husband was regarded as a nice little guilt trip investment. Spend £100 on a gift, get a free boiler.

borkid

Hi Badger just a couple of questions.
Do you think your OH would be blackmailed into giving in to his parents even if he felt he shouldn't? ( I came from a very emotional blackmailing family and in the end had to cut all ties).
Would he consider putting all family money into your name and just keep 'spends' ( just until he parents stoped asking for money). Any larger purchases from CC and you just pay it. This is just so he could tell the truth next time parents came asking. He could say 'sorry I have no spare money' It would be quite truthful as you have the money.
Do his parents always ask him rather than you? They might realise they wouldn't get it from you. Then if he had to say Badger has the money they would be less likely to ask you.

Primrose

I will offer you some very constructive advice because I have walked that walk and got the T shirt in a similar family situation.


"EVERY TIME YOU BAIL YOUR RELATIVES OUT, YOU CONDONE THEIR BEHAVIOUR AND ENCOURAGE THEM TO CONTINUE IN THE BELIEF THAT THEIR BEHAVIOUR NEED NOT CHANGE"


Your husband is in a very difficult situation. Be sympathetic to his dilemma but tell him this cannot go on and he must now confront them and tell them they must go to formal debt counselling and get themselves sorted out. Do not allow them to occupy your BTL to Let property under any circumstance. Your own personal circumstances may change unexpectedly in the future and you need to be in control of your own financial destiny.


Offer help, support and advice BUT NO MORE MONEY. Refer them to the debt section on this forum and get them signed up with citizen advice for debt support. This kind of situation can end up being a marriage breaker if you and your husband can't pull together and find a solution you can both live with.


The in laws have had a good run for their money so your husband should feel no guilt at being unsupportive but he now has a wife and family of his own who should take priority. Praise him for the loyalty he has shown in the past but help him to understand that this could undermine your marriage if the situation continues without being strongly and firmly addressed.


And I recommend some distancing too. Put your landline on answerphone and don't be too readily available to respond to phone requests.


Incidentally if you have had a reliable tenant for three years, I think they deserve better treatment than to be kicked out in favour of people, whoever they are, who are probably unlikely to pay the rent regularly.

Ames

Re the boiler - it's summer now so they don't need heating for a few months which gives them time to save up for a repair (assuming they have an electric shower for washing).

More generally, perhaps you need to get something formalised about you getting the money back when they sell the house or via their wills (not nice to think about, I know). Mentioning this to the brother might suddenly change his attitude too...

Primrose

And remind them that in the old days, people just boiled a kettle and had a strip wash, yet managed to remain perfectly clean and hygienic so if they can't get the boiler repaired until they've saved up the money it won't be the end of the world.

whiteguineapig

Primrose wrote: »

I will offer you some very constructive advice because I have walked that walk and got the T shirt in a similar family situation.


"EVERY TIME YOU BAIL YOUR RELATIVES OUT, YOU CONDONE THEIR BEHAVIOUR AND ENCOURAGE THEM TO CONTINUE IN THE BELIEF THAT THEIR BEHAVIOUR NEED NOT CHANGE"


Your husband is in a very difficult situation. Be sympathetic to his dilemma but tell him this cannot go on and he must now confront them and tell them they must go to formal debt counselling and get themselves sorted out. Do not allow them to occupy your BTL to Let property under any circumstance. Your own personal circumstances may change unexpectedly in the future and you need to be in control of your own financial destiny.


Offer help, support and advice BUT NO MORE MONEY. Refer them to the debt section on this forum and get them signed up with citizen advice for debt support. This kind of situation can end up being a marriage breaker if you and your husband can't pull together and find a solution you can both live with.


The in laws have had a good run for their money so your husband should feel no guilt at being unsupportive but he now has a wife and family of his own who should take priority. Praise him for the loyalty he has shown in the past but help him to understand that this could undermine your marriage if the situation continues without being strongly and firmly addressed.


And I recommend some distancing too. Put your landline on answerphone and don't be too readily available to respond to phone requests.


Incidentally if you have had a reliable tenant for three years, I think they deserve better treatment than to be kicked out in favour of people, whoever they are, who are probably unlikely to pay the rent regularly.

the above is excellent advice
please get your partner to read this thread

Primrose

Very difficult with Father's Day coming up. Why not wait until it's over and then arrange a session with them at their house j saying " There's something we need to talk to you about and we want you to listen seriously."

And when you both get there encourage your husband to say something along the following lines.

"We want you to listen to what I have to say without interruption. If you interrupt we will both get up and leave,

(Wife,s name) and I have reached the point where your continuing financial dependency on us, and the lack of control of your finances is now having a serious impact on our marriage.

We've jointly decided we can't continue in this manner any longer so we're asking you to get some formal debt counselling and help with budgeting so that in future you can live within your financial means.

"This may involve downsizing and moving to a property you can afford to love in based on your own incomes. (If at this point they start exploding, both stand up and look as if you are about to leave)

" We will help you in this process but we've both jointly decided there will be no more financial bail outs. We need to put our own family first. You're not going to divide us on this issue, so are you prepared to discuss this situation in a positive manner or shall we leave now?"

(This sounds very drastic but you do need to jolt them out of their complacency. They need to understand that in the future they can no longer play one of you against the other, which is what they have been doing. Your husband will find this hard but unless you seize their attention in a dramatic way they probably won't take the matter seriously.. If necessary, rehearse together beforehand so you are more emotionally prepared and confident. I. don't pretend it will be easy.

But above all, if they won't listen or start ranting and raving , don't lose your tempers. Just quietly get up and leave saying "Then we're sorry but we have nothing further to discuss. Phone us if you're ever ready to change your minds". Then put your phone on answer phone.

But first you have to get your husband to the point where he is ready to take this step. And that will depend on how important his marriage is to him

pinkshoes

Offer them sympathy and advice, but no cash.

If your hubby is willing to help fix the boiler (and NOT on father's day), then let them know the part they need, then ask them to phone and let you know when they have bought it and it arrives so hubby can fit it.

Bailing them out is not helping them. They need to learn to manage their own finances.

z1a

I wouldn't even have the patience of any of the posters on here after what You've endured up to now.
The next problem they approached me with would be met with the reply
"Tough, not my problem, bye."