Awkward Situation with the In-Laws

Bassetlaw_Badger

MSE friends, I need to vent and can't think of anywhere else better to do it! Please bear with my rambling life story and, if you're still awake and are willing at the end, your input would be valued. I'm too close to this one to see straight.


My husband and I come from different backgrounds. His parents were professional and they have a lovely historic cottage in the countryside. My parents were working-class and have a modest bungalow on a nice estate.


Now they are all getting on in life and, as it turns out, where my parents ploughed all their money into paying off the mortgage etc (although my mum is no longer with us) and are now debt free and enjoying retirement, my in-laws are, well frankly, sinking in debt. They owe an eye-watering amount on their mortgage where they have borrowed and borrowed over the years.


So, they have been living beyond their means for decades and are now make it abundantly clear that they expect us to pick up the bill. Not a month goes by without us being expected to make repairs on the property: they sponge any food, money, equipment, cars etc they can get their hands on.


We have tried not to let this affect our marriage but unfortunately last night things came to a head. It's the husbands birthday this week and the phone rang last night. Their boiler won't work. Again. We fitted a new one a couple of years ago for them, and of course we now have to maintain it for them. After a lengthy conversation the husband said he thought it needed x part. He looked on the internet and said that it would cost £80 and he could fit it at the weekend. Queue the father in law ranting at him down the phone that 'he can't afford it, I've just spent all our money on your birthday'. I was furious. How dare he speak to him like that? What on earth does he expect him to do? He's already offered to give up sunday (Fathers' Day I might add) to work on their bleeding house!


Anyway, the husband is really upset and doesn't know what to do. We have a buy-to-let which we've had the same tenant in since we moved out three years ago. He wants to put them in that - I've put my foot down and said no. I have to protect my family's future and I don't think they'll pay. We can't afford to cover it.


Other than putting a very large amount of distance between us (his brother wisely did just that!) can any of you offer some constructive advice?

AnotherJoe

You know the answer, do what your husbands brother did. They will continue leeching whilst you enable that behaviour.

Loz01

Agree, until you stop funding them, they'll keep doing it. And I wouldn't put them in the other house either, they probably won't pay and you'll end up in an even more awkward and financially draining situation. Someone has got to tell them straight this can't go on for x more years.

emmatthews

I would suggest telling the parents that you cannot afford to support them, but that you will help them sort out their finances and work out a budget to avoid things getting any worse.

Is there equity in the house, could they sell up and downsize?

theoretica

I think there are two separate issues. The ranting and the money. I consider ranting unacceptable and you will need to decide how much money you will allow them. If they want to move into your buy to let, perhaps they would be open to you helping them to downsize to somewhere more affordable?

Mojisola

emmatthews wrote: »

I would suggest telling the parents that you cannot afford to support them, but that you will help them sort out their finances and work out a budget to avoid things getting any worse.

This ^

Think of their constant overspending like an addiction. You can't help an alcoholic get better by regularly buying them alcohol.

Offer to help if they are ready to make the necessary changes to their lives.

If they aren't willing to change, you have to choose between continuing to enable their destructive behaviour or to put some distance between yourselves and them.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Refuse the birthday present 'I know you can't afford it, I'd rather you got the boiler sorted out, as I wouldn't be able to enjoy the present knowing it stopped you from having hot water. So take it back and get a refund'. And be less available - screening calls is handy for people you really don't want to have to deal with immediately. Mobiles mean you miss a few calls, too - no record of them calling, might have to get a new one, but not until the contract's up...


But tell them something about the BTL being on a long term tenancy that you simply cannot break if they start sniffing around about moving in. Yes, it's ridiculous, these new legal protections for tenants, yes, terrible, but that's the Law and it's not worth the risk to end up in court over it...'.

AnotherJoe

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Refuse the birthday present 'I know you can't afford it, I'd rather you got the boiler sorted out, as I wouldn't be able to enjoy the present knowing it stopped you from having hot water. So take it back and get a refund'. And be less available - screening calls is handy for people you really don't want to have to deal with immediately. Mobiles mean you miss a few calls, too - no record of them calling, might have to get a new one, but not until the contract's up...


But tell them something about the BTL being on a long term tenancy that you simply cannot break if they start sniffing around about moving in. Yes, it's ridiculous, these new legal protections for tenants, yes, terrible, but that's the Law and it's not worth the risk to end up in court over it...'.

I'd agree with the first part but I wouldnt advise lying about the tenancy, suppose they bone up on the law and show how you can evict the tenants. You've got nowhere to go if that's your sole excuse. I'd be blunt, you need that money to live on.

Mojisola

AnotherJoe wrote: »

I'd agree with the first part but I wouldnt advise lying about the tenancy

I wouldn't either. I think you have to learn to say no and mean it.

You don't have to justify saying no - it's your money, not theirs.

If you are in contact with BIL, would it help your husband to have a talk with him and get some moral support from him. He obviously saw through his parents before it's hit home for your OH.

Detroit

I agree that you have no obligation to them, and that their behaviour is unacceptable. However, any decision needs to be one your husband will be ok with, rather than you 'putting your foot down'.
They're his parents and rightly or wrongly, he may feel duty bound to assist them. If you prevent this it may cause issues in your relationship.
Try to decide between you a level of help you can both be comfortable with, and then stick to it.
Letting them have your BTL seems a step too far if you suspect they won't maintain rent payments, so I wouldn't do that.
I'd also make sure any help given was the direct purchase of items rather than cash.
And slightly off topic, is the 2 year old boiler not covered by guarantee?

-taff

They've been using you as a defaulted overdraft for years.
If you're going to keep being an ever increasing one, this situation will continue.

You need to discuss with your husband how you are both going to handle it, how he feels about it, what he feels obliged to do, and work out some kind of united response.

And also a vote for helping them with their budget.