Awkward Situation with the In-Laws

Bassetlaw_Badger

Thank you all for basically confirming my own opinions!


What you have all said makes perfect sense to me. We have already done a number of your suggestions, but sadly nothing has worked so far.


Unfortunately what I have posted isn't the half of it! And yes, they must have lied about their income. Yes, they are retired. Yes, they drink too much. It goes on and on and on.


The DH does feel very responsible for his parents, whereas his younger brother does not.


It is awful. You would have thought the situation with my dad, who is ill, would be more stressful. But we have 'managed' it and planned etc. Ringfenced care - everything that we could possibly do we have done. As a family, we have discussed the situation like adults and equals and gone forward from there. Unfortunately this simply cannot be done with DH's parents.


It is making us both ill...............:(

pollypenny

DaftyDuck wrote: »

You could, if you really want to put the cat amongst the pigeons, suggest to them that maybe your parents could offer some budgeting advice that might help them....

.

Love it! :rotfl::rotfl:

Mojisola

Bassetlaw_Badger wrote: »

The DH does feel very responsible for his parents, whereas his younger brother does not.

As a family, we have discussed the situation like adults and equals and gone forward from there. Unfortunately this simply cannot be done with DH's parents.

So they won't behave like adults and your husband can't stop feeling responsible for them - the answer is to think of yourselves as 'parents' and them as 'minors'.

You know that giving in to children all the time doesn't lead to an improvement in behaviour or an increase in independence or maturity - you have to set boundaries and stick to them no matter how bad the tantrums are. Children (and your parents-in-law) have to learn that there are consequences to their actions.

Bassetlaw_Badger

Lol - me too! It would be funny if they weren't so bitter towards dad and his money................


They don't see it as him being careful with his money (his mantra was always if you haven't got enough money in the bank to cover it, you can't afford it) - they openly think he's just 'lucky' and mock to this affect.


Don't think being widowed at 54 and dementia at 60 is that 'lucky' if you ask me. I think he'd probably have his wife and marbles and no money any day!

TBagpuss

It sounds as though you and your husband are both on the same page in accepting that you can't be financiually responsible for his parents poor choices, and the the issues are (i) Helping your husband to cope with the emotional blackmail and his feelings of responsibility and (ii) how the two of you jointly deal with his parents unrealistic expectations.

In relation to the first, would it help if he were able to offer them constructive suggestions but not finacial support? For instnace, providing them wih information about StepChange, Suggesting that they consider downsizing etc? (They may well ignore his suggestions, but the aim is for him to feel that he is providing support)

In relation to the second, you and can discuss how you will respond. On a purely practical level, if your husband finds it hard to say 'no' outright, consider whether to agree on a standard response. It might be something like "I would have to discuss that with BassetLawBadger. I'll get back to you if we can help / give you any money / pay for your xxx"
This means that he doesn't have to say "no" then and there.
He can then simply not get back to them (and he hasn't lied, he said he would get back to them if you could help ) Or he can call back (or text or e-mail if that is easier) to say "We've discussed it and we cannot give you any money for [whatever it is]" but he can do that at a time of his chosing, with you bbeing there to suipport him if need be.

another possibility might be for you and he to agree that you will speak to them, so it is you who calls back to say "We have discussed it and we cannot give you money / pay for xxx" It's dificult for you as they will, inevitably, treat you as the 'bad guy', but it may help your husband as he has a lot more baggage and (undeserved) guilt about saying 'no'.

I also like the suggestions from a previous poster that you and he could agree a limited budget (time and money) so that he can gradually reduice the support you provide, rather than cutting it off completely.

You and he may find it helpful to sit down and to make a list of all the support (finacial and otherwise) that you have provided to them over the past 6 or 12 or 18 months, not to bringup with them, necessarily, but so that your husband can look at it when he is being subjected to the empotional blackmail and remind himself that whatever they may say, he is *not* a bad son or unsupportive.

If you feel it would help, you can of couse mention it in conversation when they ask. e.g. "No, we can't pay for your boiler repairs. We have already given you £xx for your electricuty bill, paid £xxxx for you to have a new boiler, and done a,b and c in repairs to your house. We would need you to pay us back the money we have previously provided to you before we would be able to consider lending you any more OR We can't afford to give or lend you any more money, as we have already given you over £xxxx - we are not asking for that back from you but we simply cannot afford to give you any more"

It may be that re-stating how much you have already given helps your husband to wwithstand the empotional pressure.

You may also decide betwen the two of you to have a stock, go to response to his parents - that you will put down the phone, or leave (if you are spending time with them) if they ask for money. This could be on the basis that when they first raise the issue, you say something such as "We are not able to support you financially. we 're not going to discuss this any more" and then if they don't drop the subject, leave, or end the conversation. It's hard to do, and you have to fight against your feelings that you are being rude, but at best, it may gradually trian them out of asking, beacuase they find it is ineffective and also results in any contact with you / grandchildren ends and at worst, it allows you and your husband to opt out of listening to further guilt trips and emotional blackmail.

Another tactic may be to turn their requess back on them, so if their approach is
THEM "The boiler is broken, we have no hot water!"
YOU "That's so frustrating. Have you got an engineer out yet?" or
THEM "The boiler is broekn. We can't afford the repair"
YOU "Oh no. What are you going to do?"

So you can be symapthetic but 'bat' any compalints back to them.

Bassetlaw_Badger

Thank you all for you advice and comments - it is really helping me. I suppose I knew we aren't being unreasonable all along, but sometimes you need a bit of back up! Thank you again.

TeamPlum

My inlaws are like this, never had any money as they spend it all. I'm dreading them getting into their dotage.

I lent them £100 years back to pay a phone bill, and it took them 8 months (they never mentioned it until I had to fall out with my partner to get her to ask).

Best advice is to draw a clear line in the sand. My in laws are aware now, that I will not lend them any money, so they go sponging elsewhere.

Don't let them mistake kindness for weakness.

BTW: Bassetlaw, as in near worksop?

Bassetlaw_Badger

Yep, the forgotten area of Bassetlaw. Not the East Midlands, not Yorkshire!

TeamPlum

Nice to make your acquaintance - I'm in Mansfield, and do abit of work at Bassetlaw hospital. Small world eh?

Hope you sort the inlaws out.

pigpen

I'd say no to every single request for money.. the boiler I'd say well let us know when you do have the money and we will sort it.. they wouldn't get a single penny out of me.. I'd not see them starve but I wouldn't be paying their way.

I learned the hard expensive way.. my mother must owe me thousands until I put a stop to her 'borrowing' .. Paying her parking fine she had left to get to over £500 was the last straw..

DH needs to grow a pair and say no. They made their bed.

I wouldn't evict your reliable tenant either.