Awkward Situation with the In-Laws

Alikay

Suggest they downsize to renting something which suits their needs (not your btl). Sell the idea to them and your DH, pointing out the positives of low maintenance, living on a bus route, near facilities and freeing up the equity they have in their property to equip their new place, buy a reliable car and have a bit of cash in the bank for emergencies (assuming they still have some equity in their current house.....).

meritaten

Sorry - but THEY are the adults! if they chose their lifestyle, then they must suck it up and live with the consequences! Unless you or your OH was advising them to do so - its really NOT down to you to help them out of a mess of their own making.
its a simple sentence 'Sorry, but we cant help you'! keep repeating it!
They are leaching off you because you let them in the past. its time they learned the line has been crossed. and you will have to be harsh, and they will probably take offence, but what is more important here? your OWN financial security or funding their lifestyle?

itsanne

emmatthews wrote: »

I would suggest telling the parents that you cannot afford to support them, but that you will help them sort out their finances and work out a budget to avoid things getting any worse.

Is there equity in the house, could they sell up and downsize?

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Refuse the birthday present 'I know you can't afford it, I'd rather you got the boiler sorted out, as I wouldn't be able to enjoy the present knowing it stopped you from having hot water. So take it back and get a refund'. And be less available - screening calls is handy for people you really don't want to have to deal with immediately. Mobiles mean you miss a few calls, too - no record of them calling, might have to get a new one, but not until the contract's up...

Both of these.

If they've lived in their house for a long time, it should be possible for them to downsize and release funds that way - unless they've already borrowed on it. If they do agree to downsize, it sounds as if they'll still need help with the budget. If they refuse, they need to understand that that is their choice but you won't be enabling it.

However, you need to have your husband fully on board with cutting back the financial help to get anywhere. Perhaps he might feel more comfortable if, at least initially, he could set aside a regular small amount to help out. It might be easier for him to move from that to completely withdrawing everything than to do so in one fell swoop.

karen_123

This is something that needs to stop now, otherwise your marriage will continue to suffer.
A emphatic NO has to be you joint reply to any request for money.
Their financial situation is not your fault and not your responsibility to sort out.
Say what you mean and mean what you say, is my mantra for life.
Good luck

74jax

I would say to your hubby that you will not be supporting your in laws from now on. If he wants to, he uses it from his half of what ever you have. They are his parents, it's not for you to put your foot down on behalf of you as a couple if he won't.

Pollycat

emmatthews wrote: »

I would suggest telling the parents that you cannot afford to support them, but that you will help them sort out their finances and work out a budget to avoid things getting any worse.

Is there equity in the house, could they sell up and downsize?

Alikay wrote: »

Suggest they downsize to renting something which suits their needs (not your btl). Sell the idea to them and your DH, pointing out the positives of low maintenance, living on a bus route, near facilities and freeing up the equity they have in their property to equip their new place, buy a reliable car and have a bit of cash in the bank for emergencies (assuming they still have some equity in their current house.....).

I think these 2 posts have great advice.

I would not be funding anybody else's lifestyle - especially if they'd been profligate with their money over the years - and doubly so if they expect you to do it.

Sicard

Bassetlaw_Badger wrote: »

MSE friends, I need to vent and can't think of anywhere else better to do it! Please bear with my rambling life story and, if you're still awake and are willing at the end, your input would be valued. I'm too close to this one to see straight.


My husband and I come from different backgrounds. His parents were professional and they have a lovely historic cottage in the countryside. My parents were working-class and have a modest bungalow on a nice estate.


Now they are all getting on in life and, as it turns out, where my parents ploughed all their money into paying off the mortgage etc (although my mum is no longer with us) and are now debt free and enjoying retirement, my in-laws are, well frankly, sinking in debt. They owe an eye-watering amount on their mortgage where they have borrowed and borrowed over the years.


So, they have been living beyond their means for decades and are now make it abundantly clear that they expect us to pick up the bill. Not a month goes by without us being expected to make repairs on the property: they sponge any food, money, equipment, cars etc they can get their hands on.


We have tried not to let this affect our marriage but unfortunately last night things came to a head. It's the husbands birthday this week and the phone rang last night. Their boiler won't work. Again. We fitted a new one a couple of years ago for them, and of course we now have to maintain it for them. After a lengthy conversation the husband said he thought it needed x part. He looked on the internet and said that it would cost £80 and he could fit it at the weekend. Queue the father in law ranting at him down the phone that 'he can't afford it, I've just spent all our money on your birthday'. I was furious. How dare he speak to him like that? What on earth does he expect him to do? He's already offered to give up sunday (Fathers' Day I might add) to work on their bleeding house!


Anyway, the husband is really upset and doesn't know what to do. We have a buy-to-let which we've had the same tenant in since we moved out three years ago. He wants to put them in that - I've put my foot down and said no. I have to protect my family's future and I don't think they'll pay. We can't afford to cover it.


Other than putting a very large amount of distance between us (his brother wisely did just that!) can any of you offer some constructive advice?

Brilliant stuff. You couldn't make it up, could you? :rotfl:

hazyjo

The brother can just as easily transfer money, even if he's as far as Australia! They're obviously asking you/your hubby cos they know he's a soft touch.


It's very hard to say no. My first husband used to get taken advantage of. Whenever we got Chinese or something, his sis would always say either 'half each' (there we 2 of us and 5 of them - and they were all big and ate LOADS), or 'Phil will pay, won't you...'. I used to go mad after and in the end said if he wanted them to get away with that, then it came out of his pocket, not the joint account.


Are they still working?


They may be mortgaged up to their eyeballs - but the bank obviously thinks they should be able to pay it with what they earn. You don't pluck a figure out of thin air and ask for it, they have to qualify for it. So unless they have been lying about income, they should be able to afford it. So where's there money going? Do they go out a lot? Drink? Smoke? Or just really bad with money and spend it all on tut?


Jx

pollypenny

This is so ironic, OP. Your parents have grafted and are now secure and these 'professionals', who arguably should know better, have lived beyond their means.

Stop enabling them now. They have probably remortgaged a few times, so are unlikely to have any equity. They can down size, though. I suggest an ex-council house!

They sound like real 'fur coat, no knickers' types!

DaftyDuck

wrote:

You could, if you really want to put the cat amongst the pigeons, suggest to them that maybe your parents could offer some budgeting advice that might help them....

I do think you need to give them a straightforward, uncomplex "no, we can't keep giving you money, you need to find the means to support yourselves". There reallyis little point pouring money in while they are irresponsible.