Dad not around- does that change after birth sometimes??

kimplus8

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Depends. Unfortunately, the way you've described him suggests to me that the only reason he'll ever express any interest is if his wife chucks him out and he's got nowhere else to go (but will claim that he had to be so vile to you because she said she'd stop him seeing his older children). And then, I'd expect he'll only hang around long enough to find somebody else, who will probably be told you were both nasty people controlling him.

It's probably easier for you in the long run if you assume that he won't change his mind, put in a CMS application, go through the DNA testing and concentrate on your lovely baby and children.


(by the way, not that it really matters in the great scheme of things, but at 14 weeks, it's highly unlikely there would have been a gynaecologist prepared to perform a termination, as by the time you had got a referral, an appointment and then a gap in theatre time, you would have been much further along than that. Most doctors who do agree to perform late TOPs, will only do them in cases of severe abnormalities. So expecting it to be possible is ridiculous in the first place.)

Thats weird you say that because he has already said that about her.
One night when he was at my house he broke down crying and said she had messaged him to say if I keep the baby its over between them and she will stop him seeing their children. I didn't believe him so he showed me her message and she did say that.
She also said in her FB message to me 'if he ever sees you and that kid it will be the last time he sees me and my kids'.
Regarding the termination, I could have got it but only at a clinic that was a 2 hour drive away and I would have had an induction (ie had to birth the baby), I would never have gotten over that. I know in my heart that this baby, my beautiful son, was the right choice and I will never regret giving him life.

creased-leach

kimplus8 wrote: »

Background is I have children with my STB- ex husband, we split almost 2.5 years ago now but after a year I met someone new. We met online on a dating website and around 5 months in we got quite serious and he said the L word etc, so did I. When I found out I was pregnant ( not at all planned) he changed and said he couldn't have a baby with me and left. He went back to his exgf. We got back together and afaik they were separated but it appears now they were not, he spent 2 months swinging back and forth from keeping baby, choosing names, happy, looking at houses etc and at the polar opposite by threatening to kill himself if I don't have a termination, saying he's leaving me, hates me etc. At 14 weeks pregnant he asked me again to get rid of the baby, I had already felt him moving and said no way.
That night he called and said he would never see me again, I have ruined his life and almost ruined his relationship with his ex by doing this to his other kids.
He blocked my number, deleted and blocked my Facebook and insta etc and that was that.
I see him almost weekly as our boys play footy together and our girls attend the same school. He is back with his ex, and she has messaged me on FB to say as far as they are concerned, it's not his baby, they will deny paternity and I won't be getting a penny out of them once baby is born. I've blocked her so I don't have to see it.
When I see him he looks through me, like I'm a stranger.
I hope when baby is born it will be different, I hope he will see his son and not be able to walk away or turn the other way. Does having a physical child change things??
Guy responses would be greatly received, am I hoping for something that isn't there, do guys not feel this connection??
I know I personally couldn't see my child there and just pretend it isn't mine, but I also aware that a maternal bond forms very differently to a paternal one.
Sorry for the rant and Tia for your responses.
K xx

The highlighted jumped off the page at me. Threats to kill oneself if you don't get your own way are a prime example of coercive control. It's abuse. You've had a lucky escape.

suki1964

All I can say is scans have some on a long way in the past two years because my granddaughter looked like a blob

kimplus8

suki1964 wrote: »

All I can say is scans have some on a long way in the past two years because my granddaughter looked like a blob

You can see everything now, the one I had was in 4d and you could see facial features and even his eyes, even fingernails. It really was incredible.

kimplus8

creased-leach wrote: »

The highlighted jumped off the page at me. Threats to kill oneself if you don't get your own way are a prime example of coercive control. It's abuse. You've had a lucky escape.

Yes a friend of mine said the same thing- the threat to kill him self if I don't do what he was is very emotionally abusive. I am booked on to do the freedom program with the local domestic abuse service- mostly because I think from stuff that has happened in my life I have a very distorted view of what a good relationship is. I spent years in an awful marriage and then ended up with baby's dad who also treated me quite badly.

rosie-lee

creased-leach wrote: »

The highlighted jumped off the page at me. Threats to kill oneself if you don't get your own way are a prime example of coercive control. It's abuse. You've had a lucky escape.

It was the same for me creased-leach when I read the OP's post,

OP... when you get a few mins google 'narcissists and their behaviour', it might ring some bells and fits with a man declaring his love and commitment for you one day and wanting nothing more to do with you the next, leaving you confused trying to rationalise his behaviour.


my thoughts are that you will provide a much better life for your son without this man in YOUR life.
but I do think that he should pay CS and hope he one day decides to see his son.

mum2one

I have sent a pm ...

You need to focus on yourself and your children (plus baby to be)

As for him, - basically he has tried to have his cake and eat it, he has lied to you, its going to be obvious he has / will lie to her as well. At the moment shes going to be annoyed -- she may well threaten him with not seeing his kids - if u have the baby - thats not your problem thats his.

..........From when I was 4 mths gone, I had consulted a solicitor, by 7 mths gone, it became a police matter, (what he done / threatened )

I was induced early as it was too much of a risk for me to be having my daughter on her due time because of my ex's behaviour at the previous hospital visits.

...
What I would suggest is

Dont let him win, you have your children to look after, (and baby) there your focus, get support from friends / family ...

When you have had the baby - your register the birth without him, it will go down as father unknown, (coz ur not married to him / if he isn't with you)

Contact Child maintance as there now called, there contact him, if he denies liability, then they will arrange a paternity test... go from there.

Block him / her on facebook, make your settings as secure as possible - ask that your friends do not tag you in pictures, even if you have to start up a new f/b account.

Any threats contact the police / document them /

If he comes to the house - do not answer

Football matches - dont acknowlegde him

x

red_devil

how selfish can his wife get sending you a message like that?

How would she like it if the boot was on the other foot.

its not the childs fault what a horrible woman she sounds.

creased-leach

kimplus8 wrote: »

Yes a friend of mine said the same thing- the threat to kill him self if I don't do what he was is very emotionally abusive. I am booked on to do the freedom program with the local domestic abuse service- mostly because I think from stuff that has happened in my life I have a very distorted view of what a good relationship is. I spent years in an awful marriage and then ended up with baby's dad who also treated me quite badly.

The freedom programme is very useful. It sounds like you're in an infinite loop of accepting bad behaviour, which usually boils down to feeling you're not worth anything better. TFP focuses quite heavily on recognising patterns (looks like you're already aware) and avoiding them in the future.
Rosie-lee's suggestion is sound. From what you've said, there some traits that shout narcissism.
I'm not one for keyboard diagnoses, but Narcissistic Personality Disorder is hell on earth to deal with.

yvonne13_2

kimplus8 wrote: »

Background is I have children with my STB- ex husband, we split almost 2.5 years ago now but after a year I met someone new. We met online on a dating website and around 5 months in we got quite serious and he said the L word etc, so did I. When I found out I was pregnant ( not at all planned) he changed and said he couldn't have a baby with me and left. He went back to his exgf. We got back together and afaik they were separated but it appears now they were not, he spent 2 months swinging back and forth from keeping baby, choosing names, happy, looking at houses etc and at the polar opposite by threatening to kill himself if I don't have a termination, saying he's leaving me, hates me etc. At 14 weeks pregnant he asked me again to get rid of the baby, I had already felt him moving and said no way.
That night he called and said he would never see me again, I have ruined his life and almost ruined his relationship with his ex by doing this to his other kids.
He blocked my number, deleted and blocked my Facebook and insta etc and that was that.
I see him almost weekly as our boys play footy together and our girls attend the same school. He is back with his ex, and she has messaged me on FB to say as far as they are concerned, it's not his baby, they will deny paternity and I won't be getting a penny out of them once baby is born. I've blocked her so I don't have to see it.
When I see him he looks through me, like I'm a stranger.
I hope when baby is born it will be different, I hope he will see his son and not be able to walk away or turn the other way. Does having a physical child change things??
Guy responses would be greatly received, am I hoping for something that isn't there, do guys not feel this connection??
I know I personally couldn't see my child there and just pretend it isn't mine, but I also aware that a maternal bond forms very differently to a paternal one.
Sorry for the rant and Tia for your responses.
K xx

A couple of questions here.You stated that you met him online yet your children play football and attend the same school. So I take it you did know him or even saw him at the football matches. to me this indicates that you knew he was still with his girl and you blinded your eyes to it.

As for them denying the baby couldn't be his, let them try as DNA cannot be faked and if I was you I would get ever penny that was due for your child. Too many people think it's okay to creep around whilst supposedly in a committed relationship and don't want to take responsibilities by doing the right thing.

You were completly in the wrong for hooking up with him as I belive you knew from the beginning where you stood. And he is totally wrong by not maning up to his mistakes.

You're having a baby now so just deal with it and stay strong. Leave him and his family alone just focus on doing what's right for your baby. Get the proof that he's the father and make him pay for his child.

However, I find it strange that he's blaming you for getting pregnant as I'm sure him not using protection has something to do with it too.