Dad not around- does that change after birth sometimes??

Mojisola

kimplus8 wrote: »

My plan was to suggest we do one ASAP if they are that adamant my son is not his child, I believe they will however refuse.

If you put in a claim for child support, he will have two options - refuse a dna test and pay up or take a dna test and either pay up or not depending on the results.

Spendless

Years ago, my then next door neighbor split up from her boyfriend and then discovered she was pregnant. He didn't believe he was the father, the relationship was over and he wanted nothing to do with her or the baby once it was born he told her, and he didn't.

She had to have a DNA test, she ended up on benefits as there wasn't the support system to return to her job (before tax credit system) and she had to have the test to prove paternity. Back then if you were on benefits, you couldn't keep maintenance (or you might have been able to keep just a small amount, can't remember) but who was said to be the father was ordered to take the test as he still had to pay (the maintenance money was kept by the state).

The DNA test proved my neighbour's ex was indeed the father, just like she'd said. He rang her the day the results came through, apologised and asked to see the baby.He said he genuinely hadn't believed he was the father, due to the gap between them splitting and her telling him she was pregnant. He then continued to build a relationship with his son, which continued.

The difference I think is from my neighbours experience and what I suspect yours will be is that there was no previous or new girlfriend on the scene. He hadn't been yo-yoing betweeen 2 women. It's quite possible he's insisting to current girlfriend he's not the father. Without a baby that can prove otherwise, he can pretend to his gf that yours and his relationship never happened.

Astraeus

Kim, he sounds like a waste of your time.

Being entirely commercial about it, do ensure you seek early legal advice regarding the child maintenance situation. His current missus (I can't suppose that will last long...) is entirely wrong and you will be not only eligible but quite easily able to get out of him every penny that he should be paying to you. If you do have any issues, I would recommend you to Bob Pape at Child Support Solutions who takes a very personal interest in ensuring the CSA (now CMS) does what it should to claim from absentee fathers.

Best of luck with it.

kimplus8

Astraeus wrote: »

Kim, he sounds like a waste of your time.

Being entirely commercial about it, do ensure you seek early legal advice regarding the child maintenance situation. His current missus (I can't suppose that will last long...) is entirely wrong and you will be not only eligible but quite easily able to get out of him every penny that he should be paying to you. If you do have any issues, I would recommend you to Bob Pape at Child Support Solutions who takes a very personal interest in ensuring the CSA (now CMS) does what it should to claim from absentee fathers.

Best of luck with it.

I don't think it's the paying singularly that is the issue, it's the whole situation, he want me to not be pregnant and not be fathering another child. In his eyes it's my fault he now has problems in his relationship with his gf because me having his child is always a reminder for them that he has been with someone else. I firmly believe now that he kept me hanging on with the promise of us having a relationship because he wasn't sure it would work out with his gf and he wanted me as a back up. I think if she had said no to them trying again he would be with me now- but for all the wrong reasons. He just wants whatever is easiest for him and me having his child makes his life far from easy once I apply for csa or CMS and he is demanded to take a paternity test. He did say before that it will devastate his gf to see a constant reminder that he has been with someone else and made a child with that person.
While I do really feel for her having to deal with that, it's her choice to stay with him if he betrayed her and I can't be responsible for his bad choices. All I can think about is my son and other kids and what they need. I really can't explain how much I love them, I'm gutted he will miss out on this beautiful little boy but I agree with what others have said, maybe he just won't be bothered. That's his loss not mine.
Thanks for your response though- you are of course right and trying to get him to see his so etc is a waste of my time.

Astraeus

kimplus8 wrote: »

I don't think it's the paying singularly that is the issue, it's the whole situation

I know. It is just probably where I can be most helpful.

kimplus8 wrote: »

In his eyes it's my fault he now has problems in his relationship with his gf because me having his child is always a reminder for them that he has been with someone else.

That is his (and to an extent her) cross to bear, not yours. He has been with someone else, but you aren't to blame for that. If she is prepared to take him back knowing that, she has to be prepared for the consequences of that, one of which includes a child.

kimplus8 wrote: »

I firmly believe now that he kept me hanging on with the promise of us having a relationship because he wasn't sure it would work out with his gf and he wanted me as a back up.

Very possible. Disgusting, but possible. And I am afraid I have been guilty of the same thing before.

kimplus8 wrote: »

He did say before that it will devastate his gf to see a constant reminder that he has been with someone else and made a child with that person.

Again, his cross to bear and not yours. I wish there was a more polite way of saying it: f** him. He sounds like an selfish mug who wants to do whatever he pleases without facing the consequences.

kimplus8 wrote: »

While I do really feel for her having to deal with that, it's her choice to stay with him if he betrayed her and I can't be responsible for his bad choices.

Correct. Well done.

kimplus8 wrote: »

All I can think about is my son and other kids and what they need.

Does your son need this waste of space any more than you do? It's early days now but you'll do better without him influencing how your son grows up.

kimplus8 wrote: »

I really can't explain how much I love them, I'm gutted he will miss out on this beautiful little boy but I agree with what others have said, maybe he just won't be bothered. That's his loss not mine.

Correct, again.

FBaby

A lot of it will also come down to whether he believes that you were indeed on the coil. If he does, he might have more sympathy and accept that he was responsible too. If however he believes that you were never on the coil of took it out and has even convinced himself that you got pregnant on purpose, then I think the bitterness will be such that he will never want to have anything to do with you again nor the baby.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Depends. Unfortunately, the way you've described him suggests to me that the only reason he'll ever express any interest is if his wife chucks him out and he's got nowhere else to go (but will claim that he had to be so vile to you because she said she'd stop him seeing his older children). And then, I'd expect he'll only hang around long enough to find somebody else, who will probably be told you were both nasty people controlling him.

It's probably easier for you in the long run if you assume that he won't change his mind, put in a CMS application, go through the DNA testing and concentrate on your lovely baby and children.


(by the way, not that it really matters in the great scheme of things, but at 14 weeks, it's highly unlikely there would have been a gynaecologist prepared to perform a termination, as by the time you had got a referral, an appointment and then a gap in theatre time, you would have been much further along than that. Most doctors who do agree to perform late TOPs, will only do them in cases of severe abnormalities. So expecting it to be possible is ridiculous in the first place.)

TBagpuss

kimplus8 wrote: »

I don't think it's the paying singularly that is the issue, it's the whole situation, he want me to not be pregnant and not be fathering another child. In his eyes it's my fault he now has problems in his relationship with his gf because me having his child is always a reminder for them that he has been with someone else.

His relationship with his partner is not your responsibility. He chose to start a relationship with you when he had not separated from her, he chose to go back to her, and she chose to accept that.

I firmly believe now that he kept me hanging on with the promise of us having a relationship because he wasn't sure it would work out with his gf and he wanted me as a back up. I think if she had said no to them trying again he would be with me now- but for all the wrong reasons.

You may well be right. It sounds as though you are well shot of him.

He just wants whatever is easiest for him and me having his child makes his life far from easy once I apply for csa or CMS and he is demanded to take a paternity test. He did say before that it will devastate his gf to see a constant reminder that he has been with someone else and made a child with that person.
While I do really feel for her having to deal with that, it's her choice to stay with him if he betrayed her and I can't be responsible for his bad choices

Not your problem. If he wasn't ready to be a father he should have ensured that he wore a condom. And if his GF can't cope with knowing he slept with you than she has the choice to end her relationship with him. That is something which they will need to work out between themselves. You can't control how either of them behaves or feels.

All I can think about is my son and other kids and what they need. I really can't explain how much I love them, I'm gutted he will miss out on this beautiful little boy but I agree with what others have said, maybe he just won't be bothered. That's his loss not mine.
Thanks for your response though- you are of course right and trying to get him to see his so etc is a waste of my time.

You may find that he decides he does want some contact at a later stage. Don't get you hopes up, and take things as they come. Even if he doesn't show any interest until your child is older, keep an open mind at that time. Until then, apply for maintenance. It takes two to make a baby ad if he didn't want the responsibility he could have taken steps to ensure that he couldn't father a child.

theoretica

kimplus8 wrote: »

I think you are right, in that we both had sex, we should both be somewhat responsible

I would disagree slightly - you each are entirely responsible, no somewhat about it.

kimplus8

FBaby wrote: »

A lot of it will also come down to whether he believes that you were indeed on the coil. If he does, he might have more sympathy and accept that he was responsible too. If however he believes that you were never on the coil of took it out and has even convinced himself that you got pregnant on purpose, then I think the bitterness will be such that he will never want to have anything to do with you again nor the baby.

he came with me to the docs when I found out I was pregnant and when the doc called the hospital to decide what we do about my coil that was in situ, he then dropped me to gynae so they could remove it, as it stands it has become dislodged anyway and was in my cervix rather than my uterus (sorry if anyone is squeamish) which is probably how it came to not work anyhow.
He has been to several appointment with me including the hospital consultation for the termination and saw the scan so he know I not trying it on and I didn't do this on purpose.