Dad not around- does that change after birth sometimes??

kimplus8

Background is I have children with my STB- ex husband, we split almost 2.5 years ago now but after a year I met someone new. We met online on a dating website and around 5 months in we got quite serious and he said the L word etc, so did I. When I found out I was pregnant ( not at all planned) he changed and said he couldn't have a baby with me and left. He went back to his exgf. We got back together and afaik they were separated but it appears now they were not, he spent 2 months swinging back and forth from keeping baby, choosing names, happy, looking at houses etc and at the polar opposite by threatening to kill himself if I don't have a termination, saying he's leaving me, hates me etc. At 14 weeks pregnant he asked me again to get rid of the baby, I had already felt him moving and said no way.
That night he called and said he would never see me again, I have ruined his life and almost ruined his relationship with his ex by doing this to his other kids.
He blocked my number, deleted and blocked my Facebook and insta etc and that was that.
I see him almost weekly as our boys play footy together and our girls attend the same school. He is back with his ex, and she has messaged me on FB to say as far as they are concerned, it's not his baby, they will deny paternity and I won't be getting a penny out of them once baby is born. I've blocked her so I don't have to see it.
When I see him he looks through me, like I'm a stranger.
I hope when baby is born it will be different, I hope he will see his son and not be able to walk away or turn the other way. Does having a physical child change things??
Guy responses would be greatly received, am I hoping for something that isn't there, do guys not feel this connection??
I know I personally couldn't see my child there and just pretend it isn't mine, but I also aware that a maternal bond forms very differently to a paternal one.
Sorry for the rant and Tia for your responses.
K xx

onlyroz

I wouldn't get your hopes up. However you should take steps to ensure he pays child support.

*Robin*

Sorry to have to say this OP, but it sounds like he never split up with his ex. You've been 'the other woman' all this time.

Given that avoiding the bloke and his missus in the future will be difficult unless you move house, which would doubtless complicate life in regards to school and contact with their father for the eight children you already have, may I suggest that Life is giving you an amazing opportunity to make another family happy, and complete.

Adoption is rather out of fashion these days, but there are still people for whom IVF is not an option.
What greater gift could you give than a childhood where your ninth babe can thrive - loved by two parents united in a stable relationship and devoted to his welfare?

Please think about it.

sweetilemon

Take each day as it comes. Don't get hung up on it. I lost my baby at 4weeks 2 days. You will never get the time back with your baby. My husband was there the whole way. Honestly, when your flesh and blood is involved, money means nothing. Just enjoy every moment. If he knows he is the child's father, his choices are up to him. As long as you have been honest he will have to live with the regrets of him missing her first moments. Just make sure you don't have regrets.

Spendless

I think he's been giving his gf as much BS as he has to you. I can't see him coming round once the baby is born, given what you've said, not based on his current circs.

FBaby

I'm sorry to say this, but you will have to accept that as much as he couldn't make you have an abortion, you can't make him be a father to the child. You made your decision, he made his.

Wanting to be a parent to a child is a mental one and if you've worked out that you don't want to be a parent, then the mental block becomes physical.

In the end, you both made a mistake of not protecting you against pregnancy. Maybe you wanted that child and assumed that if you did, so would he. He made the mistake to trust you to be protected against pregnancy and not take control of it. Now you have a child not wanted by his biological father.

Of course, you never know what the future holds. It might be that one day he decides that he does want to know your child or even build a bond but it also could be that when that happens, you will have met someone else who act as a father to your child and him coming back in your child's life is the last thing you want then.

kimplus8

*Robin* wrote: »

Sorry to have to say this OP, but it sounds like he never split up with his ex. You've been 'the other woman' all this time.

Given that avoiding the bloke and his missus in the future will be difficult unless you move house, which would doubtless complicate life in regards to school and contact with their father for the eight children you already have, may I suggest that Life is giving you an amazing opportunity to make another family happy, and complete.

Adoption is rather out of fashion these days, but there are still people for whom IVF is not an option.
What greater gift could you give than a childhood where your ninth babe can thrive - loved by two parents united in a stable relationship and devoted to his welfare?

Please think about it.

I have 7 not 8, and not I won't be putting my child up for adoption. I love my son

kimplus8

FBaby wrote: »

I'm sorry to say this, but you will have to accept that as much as he couldn't make you have an abortion, you can't make him be a father to the child. You made your decision, he made his.

Wanting to be a parent to a child is a mental one and if you've worked out that you don't want to be a parent, then the mental block becomes physical.

In the end, you both made a mistake of not protecting you against pregnancy. Maybe you wanted that child and assumed that if you did, so would he. He made the mistake to trust you to be protected against pregnancy and not take control of it. Now you have a child not wanted by his biological father.

Of course, you never know what the future holds. It might be that one day he decides that he does want to know your child or even build a bond but it also could be that when that happens, you will have met someone else who act as a father to your child and him coming back in your child's life is the last thing you want then.

I had a coil fitted, it was not a great situation as I was waiting to be sterilised also but once I found out I was pregnant, not keeping the baby was not something I could do, we went to the clinic to have my pre assessment for a termination but they did a scan and I looked at the baby and knew I just couldn't do it.
It it right for me to apply for CM?? I know that will cause problems in his current relationship and while I don't want to do that I also don't want my little boy to miss out on opportunities because I'm always skint- my ex has a good job, his other kids want for nothing.
It breaks my heart that he won't see his son, my friend came to my scan last week and we both immediately recognised my ex in my baby, weirdly he looks just like him on the scan, I'm so scared he's going to be a carbon copy of his daddy and how I'll cope with that.

LilElvis

kimplus8 wrote: »

I have 7 not 8, and not I won't be putting my child up for adoption. I love my son

Your signature says "single momma to 8 :eek:"

Your username is kimplus8

A fairly reasonable assumption therefore that you have 8 children.

redpete

Given his previouson behaviour I doubt that he will suddenly become responsible and find a way to reconcile conflicts between one relationship and family and your son.

Just make sure he is made to take financial responsibility.

Vikipollard

kimplus8 wrote: »

I had a coil fitted, it was not a great situation as I was waiting to be sterilised also but once I found out I was pregnant, not keeping the baby was not something I could do, we went to the clinic to have my pre assessment for a termination but they did a scan and I looked at the baby and knew I just couldn't do it.
It it right for me to apply for CM?? I know that will cause problems in his current relationship and while I don't want to do that I also don't want my little boy to miss out on opportunities because I'm always skint- my ex has a good job, his other kids want for nothing.
It breaks my heart that he won't see his son, my friend came to my scan last week and we both immediately recognised my ex in my baby, weirdly he looks just like him on the scan, I'm so scared he's going to be a carbon copy of his daddy and how I'll cope with that.

Of course it's 'right' for you to apply for Child Maintenance. Stop hand-wringing and get on with it. He (they) can fold their arms and stamp their feet as much as they want, but if the child is his, he should support it. He, too, could have taken steps to ensure there was no pregnancy, but did not.

Given the comment you say you received from his partner, put the steps in place now for the paternity test as soon as the baby is born - and make sure they are aware you are doing so. Ultimately, it's in their interest if they are sure it's not his baby.