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Dad needs advice on seeing Son

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  • paulfoel
    paulfoel Posts: 5,819 Forumite
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    FBaby wrote: »

    I didn't say that it was fair that it worked this way, after all, who says that she is more capable to care for the newborn than OP is, but the reality is that women, by virtue of carrying the baby for 9 months, gets to hold the reins. It's better to accept it than fight against it on matter of principle.

    Never heard such rubbish in my life. Why on earth does carrying the baby make the mother to be the one to 'hold the reins'?

    It takes two to make a baby. Its just biology that means the woman has to carry it during pregnancy.

    And to blame hormones? Come on lets get a grip here...

    If women want equality then you can't play the "woman" card and get special treatment when it suits. Women who deliberately withhold access to fathers and play stupid games are also abusing their children by not allowing them access to their father.

    But then I agree with some of what you said. Theres being right and then theres doing whats effective.
    Cymru am Byth !!! :j:j:j
  • Noctu
    Noctu Posts: 1,553 Forumite
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    If this was the other way round -- a mother trying to get access to her child which the father had custody of -- I suspect many of the replies in this thread would be a lot different.... no softly softly approach!!

    OP do not give up on getting the access which is rightfully yours, to your child!
  • krlyr
    krlyr Posts: 5,993 Forumite
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    I agree with the DNA test. My brother was in a similar(ish) position, couple of flings after the relationshipn ended, dates matched up so both (or that's what the ex said) were sure the baby was his..a year later (after lots of manipulation on the ex's part) he insisted on a DNA test and it turned out it wasn't his baby after all.
  • duchy
    duchy Posts: 19,511 Forumite
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    Not the most appropriative conversation to have with an ex, perhaps.

    Sounds an appropriate conversation to have with someone who has just given birth to your child....what's inappropriate about it ?
    I Would Rather Climb A Mountain Than Crawl Into A Hole

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  • Mojisola
    Mojisola Posts: 35,559 Forumite
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    FBaby wrote: »
    I can imagine her response when she read that you wanted to come to bond with him, likely 'FGS I've only just giving birth baby is trying to recover from the trauma of birth but all he can think about is how HE wants to bond with him. It's all about him and what he wants'.

    A 'congratulations I hope all went well and the birth wasn't too difficult.
    GOOD_GUY wrote: »
    the 2 short visits I had with my son were not stressful at all for her, we spoke about him how the birth went etc...
    Not the most appropriative conversation to have with an ex, perhaps.

    Poor guy can't win!
  • missbiggles1
    missbiggles1 Posts: 17,481 Forumite
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    paulfoel wrote: »
    Jeez - clutching at straws here to have a dig at the poor guy!

    You see it your way, I'll see it mine.
  • missbiggles1
    missbiggles1 Posts: 17,481 Forumite
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    paulfoel wrote: »
    Never heard such rubbish in my life. Why on earth does carrying the baby make the mother to be the one to 'hold the reins'?

    It takes two to make a baby. Its just biology that means the woman has to carry it during pregnancy.

    And to blame hormones? Come on lets get a grip here...

    If women want equality then you can't play the "woman" card and get special treatment when it suits. Women who deliberately withhold access to fathers and play stupid games are also abusing their children by not allowing them access to their father.

    But then I agree with some of what you said. Theres being right and then theres doing whats effective.

    Fathers can have a rough deal but being a sperm donor doesn't make you a father.
  • FBaby
    FBaby Posts: 18,367 Forumite
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    And to blame hormones? Come on lets get a grip here...
    How would you know, you've experienced female hormones?
    Believe me, you are saying this to the wrong person as I have gone way above any duties to ensure my kids have had a relationship with their father. He hasn't paid a penny in maintenance for the past 8 years even though he has worked all this time. I even pay for them to travel to go and see him...every week-end! I have done everything to encourage an emotional bond between them, not as a favour to him, I owe nothing, but as a favour to my children who deserve to love and be loved by their father as much as me.

    Whether you understand it or not -clearly not in your case- a mother will bond with her unborn child during that 9 months she carries them, and that will continue through breastfeeding and looking after baby 24/7. In a perfect world, separated father could be as present in the life of baby from the start, but not by taking baby away from mum, just act as most non separated dad do, together. However, that's hardly possible.

    I do have great respect for OP's commitment to his child, however, I think at the moment, his focus is more on his rights rather than the baby's rights. Maybe a day will come when society finds it totally acceptable that a father is entitled to have access to his child on a 50/50 basis from the moment it is born, but at the moment, evidence shows that this would do more emotional harm to the baby than good, so that's now how it happens.

    That doesn't mean that OP can't enjoy a proper child/father bond one day. It is common even in non separated families for a baby to only want their mother and reject their father, to then become daddy's boy/girl when they become toddler, even more commonly when they are teenagers.

    I just hope OP takes his time, works with mum without antagonising her so that they can gradually come up with an agreement that is best for the child, not them.
  • seven-day-weekend
    seven-day-weekend Posts: 36,755 Forumite
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    Fathers can have a rough deal but being a sperm donor doesn't make you a father.

    If he is the child's father (and I agree he should have a DNA test to make sure), and wants access to the child, then why should that demote him to the status of 'sperm donor'?

    If a DNA test has proved he is the father, then he should do whatever it takes to have a relationship with his son (including paying child support) and not take no for an answer.

    He is TRYING to be a father rather than merely a sperm donor, it is his former partner who won't let him be one.
    (AKA HRH_MUngo)
    Member #10 of £2 savers club
    Imagine someone holding forth on biology whose only knowledge of the subject is the Book of British Birds, and you have a rough idea of what it feels like to read Richard Dawkins on theology: Terry Eagleton
  • Kmh120
    Kmh120 Posts: 19 Forumite
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    Gosh what a palaver.

    I think you should see a solicitor and find out what your rights are.

    Then I think you should send a kind and compassionately written (special delivery) letter telling her what you are intending to do and asking if this is ok with her. ( I wouldnt mention that you've been to a solicitor)

    Tell her that you understand that she isnt keen on you but ask if she would be able to put those feelings aside for the sake of your son having his real father around.

    Remember, for her, she has a father for her child in situ ( her current partner) and it's possible that you are simply an annoyance. You do seem to pester a bit ( although that might be just how it comes across on here)

    You need to help her get around this feeling of you being annoying and explain how you can help her and allow her time for her and her current partner to spend together ( of course she already has her family to do the babysitting so you need to make a good case)

    It's sad that she doesnt want you involved but she holds ALL the cards right now so you need to work out a way to help her see you differently.

    And she can't be all bad. You did date her and sleep with her. So there must be good things about her. ;)
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