Dad needs advice on seeing Son

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Hi there everyone... in desperate need of advice..

Recently became a Dad and im sooooo chuffed its unreal,,, never felt anything like it in my life

Current situation my ex had my son 5 days ago I have seen him for 30 minutes in total she invited her friends to see him and they fed and held him before me.. I text asking to come and see him with no response.... She will not respond to my texts or calls. I had to randomly turn up at the hospital and ask to see him or I wouldnt have seen him at all.... she broke up with me and moved out then got with a new guy a few months into her pregnancy since then she has done her best to cut me out... I have had to beg and plead to keep updated...I found out through others my son was born... She has confirmed he is mine and I have no doubts that he is. The problem is her side of the family is kind of pulling the strings also which really doesnt help..... I am continuing to stay calm but obviously its messed me up a bit.

Im brilliant with kids and the favorite uncle with my 9 nieces and nephews.
She has now left hospital and gone home so I cannot see him at all :(
I cant just turn up at her house and ask to see him as they are crafty and will somehow use that against me. I found out she has been telling anyone who will listen all sorts of rubbish about me and no doubt her parents too... but regularly tripped up on her own lies which is another reason she has lost friends who are now supporting me and trying to cheer me up.

Before it is asked... no there was no reason for this other than to hurt me after we split she has full control and power now and seems to like it her ex pals told me this also... empathy is not in her vocabulary sadly, I have NEVER been in trouble with the police in my life and im a bloody decent guy. she has lost nearly all her pals over the way she has treated me, but I just dont know what to do...

The last message I sent was to ask how my son was and again im ignored.. I dont have a shred of bitterness in me of her or the new boyfriend or anything... i just want to see my little guy. Her family made it as awkward as they could when I turned up at the hospital but im glad I did or i would not have met him. I have been totally calm and polite... she cannot see that hurting me is also going to hurt him.

I know I can apply to the courts to get access and I have no doubts at all it will be granted I just dont know how the process works, also I dont know when she is registering the birth?? I tried asking when i was last at the hospital but she just said i dont know. then said I had to go after 15 minutes with my son, to which I couldnt do much but respect her wishes and leave.

Where do I go from here? In her words and also her mothers "its her baby she can do what she likes"

my heads a mess
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  • 19lottie82
    19lottie82 Posts: 6,027 Forumite
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    Prob not what you want to hear but If she doesn't want to put you on the birth certificate then she doesn't have to, and if you're not on there things may be difficult as she can deny you're the father......

    Again, maybe not what you want to hear, but are you certain you're the father? Seems a bit odd that you split up then she got together with someone else, while pregnant, almost straight away, now she's ignoring you?

    I think you need to keep up the softly softly approach for the moment. Lawyers ect are only going to get her back up even more.

    Have you put in place a payment plan for child maintenance yet? If not this may show you're responsible and dedicated.
  • kazwookie
    kazwookie Posts: 13,869 Forumite
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    I suggest you get a DNA test done to prove you are the father.............once you know legally one way or the other, you can then start to plan suitable plans.
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  • GOOD_GUY
    GOOD_GUY Posts: 14 Forumite
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    thanks for reply...

    We are 100% percent sure he is my child... she ended it to move back home we met a few times after and she stayed a few nights... "nature happened" and she told me she was pregnant but didnt want to make a go of it... i said i obviously wanted to be a good Dad and be in his life... a few months after we split i met someone new... she found out and almost instantly did the same.

    I was aware she doesnt have to put me on the birth certificate and this REALLY worries me as it will be even more months with me not seeing him. The way she is acting it may happen that way I just dont know what process or ball i need to get rolling now to get things into action...
    Especially if she has 6 weeks to register the birth she may wait the full 6 weeks and then not put me on there anyway!! just to make me go through more suffering.

    I have already been saving money for him,.. It could be so amicable between us but she is not interested and neither is her family.... its just wrong.. knowing he is only a couple miles up the road and I cant see him and constant updates and photos of him appearing on facebook is killing me right now,. she is in her late 20's so not a child I thought she would have changed a little after the birth an when she watched me bond with him for all of 15minutes... but nope shes not interested.

    an what really gets me is she knows i will be a great Dad she knows this....

    never thought I would end up in this situation especially with my 1st child
  • pmlindyloo
    pmlindyloo Posts: 13,051 Forumite
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    What you need to do is apply for a child arrangement order. Good guide here:

    http://www.advicenow.org.uk/guides/how-apply-court-order-about-arrangements-your-children-without-help-lawyer

    You could also go to CAB and see if they have a visiting family solicitor who may give you some free interview time to get you started.

    Also agree that you should be sending child support (look up the amount on the Child Maintenance website). Make sure that this is traceable - setting up a DD or writing a cheque is good practice. This will show your commitment to supporting your child.

    I also agree that, as hard as it is, give the mother of your child some space. Her hormones will be all over the place and things may get very heated.

    We do not know her side of the split which has appeared to left her so vindictive but it may be a good idea to keep your distance for the moment.

    After a while you could then try writing to her and say what you have said here - you wish her and her new partner well but would like contact with your son. If she then gets defensive then you can go the Child Arrangements Order route and let her know that this is what will be happening.

    I am sure you are aware that court orders can be made and then ignored/disrespected and life can get very very messy.

    I am not suggesting that you give up on seeing your child but try to 'bend over backwards' to be nice and accommodating towards your ex. as much as it grates big time. I am sorry to say that she 'holds' most of the cards.
  • GOOD_GUY
    GOOD_GUY Posts: 14 Forumite
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    kazwookie wrote: »
    I suggest you get a DNA test done to prove you are the father.............once you know legally one way or the other, you can then start to plan suitable plans.

    If I even suggested that she would go boo loo... it would be opening a can of worms I am sure he is mine... i dont want to sound like a sucker whose just randomly convinced he is mine... all of her ex best pals would certainly have told me if there was any doubts at all. The majority of her friends were mine also and she would have said something to someone.... my ex certainly would have told me if there was a chance he wasn't mine she couldnt have resisted that opportunity. When we were together she was extremely loyal and I trusted her totally.

    her mum made it clear she wishes I wasn't the father and if there was anyway they could have changed that fact i am certain they would have! If you met me you would see how decent i am ... so many guys dont give a s**t about their kids im so desperate to be in his life.
  • GOOD_GUY
    GOOD_GUY Posts: 14 Forumite
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    thanks lindyloo...

    I feel it is almost certainly going down the court route... the last I heard i may see him 1 hour a week at a mutual friends but i cannot take him anywhere... even to see my Mum.... I will still jump at the chance just to see him for one hour!!!! All ive done is be polite to her and her new bf and they just continue to bad mouth me to anyone who will listen. Hopefully time will make things better but im missing out on all the bonding.... while in the meantime her new bf and her new best friend (his sister) spend all day with my son.

    im all too aware she holds all the cards the whole dam deck... and I cant do much I need it to go to court so she is at least kind of forced to allow me access
  • 19lottie82
    19lottie82 Posts: 6,027 Forumite
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    Have you tried writing her a letter or email? Again, I think that you should try the softly softly approach until you're 100% sure that it's not going to work, then it's up to you if you want to instruct a lawyer. But that could make things even more fraught.

    Why do her family hate you so much? I'm sorry but there must be a reason, even if something realist let minor that they have blown out of proportion.
  • 19lottie82
    19lottie82 Posts: 6,027 Forumite
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    Do you think her new partner might be controlling / abusive?
  • hazyjo
    hazyjo Posts: 15,470 Forumite
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    Okay, five days really isn't very long, and her head's probably a bit all over the place. She may also be feeling a bit odd/paranoid about the baby not being her new partner's and what he might really be thinking. By having you (her ex) still in her life, it will obviously make things awkward for her. Her new OH might not be happy about texts from you about your joint baby. He's probably feeling a bit paranoid too. Instead of making it all about you and her, why don't you just write a letter to them both suggesting you all meet and sort out a suitable day for you to see your son (at yours, theirs or out). If at yours, get a list of what you need there. Put everyone's minds at rest.


    Give it six months and she'll be asking you to have him for a week - let alone when they want a holiday when he's older, or during school hols! She probably needs to know you're serious and will be sticking around.


    Remember, early days... lots of emotions and stuff flying around.


    Jx
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  • GOOD_GUY
    GOOD_GUY Posts: 14 Forumite
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    I dont know about her new partner... I know he currently cant see his kids i dont know for what reason.

    I know he is not helping at all... and maybe see's me the father of her baby as a roadblock to his new relationship with my ex....
    The problem is everything has to be a drama for her.. I text 3 times in 4 days asking how she was days before she gave birth and apparently that was stressing her out too much. i only asked if she could at least tell me she was in labour.

    She has made up crazy stories about me that is the problem and when I have asked her why she is doing it i get "your assuming things" and "your just paranoid" this is why her friends have disowned her and how I know what crazy stories she has said about me, but her lies dont add up and she changes them frequently... and im certain she has told her parents this stuff too.
    I think naively i dont know that maybe deep down she does have some kind of feelings for me still and thus is why she is still very bitter and trying to hurt me... As whenever she speaks to anyone it is all about myself and never our son... she glazes over it....

    she was texting my mum no problems... my mum text the next day to ask if she could see my son for the 1st time in the hospital... she didnt reply (never does when our son is mentioned) so my mum was concerned and called the ward and asked for a message to be passed on... "can you please ask **** to let me know her and R*** are ok I have not heard back from her for a while"

    my ex then texts people saying my Mum is being sneaky trying to find out she is on the ward, and she 's not happy and doesnt appreciate it....
    this is the kind of person we are dealing with... I do worry in all seriousness there may be some kind of mental issue going on maybe not diagnosed i do not know... but the paranoia is unreal.
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