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Dad needs advice on seeing Son

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  • missbiggles1
    missbiggles1 Posts: 17,481 Forumite
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    GOOD_GUY wrote: »
    As someone said earlier I will likely need a declaration of parentage... she has not confirmed whether I can be on the certificate and was very vague when I asked her.



    I think you are totally right, she does plan on having a new life with this guy and trying to cut me off, I have no problem with her new life the happier she is the happier my son will be. I have appointment for legal advice now.



    the 2 short visits I had with my son were not stressful at all for her, we spoke about him how the birth went etc... I congratulated her on doing so well and producing a gorgeous little boy, held him and left no stress anger, shouting, everyone was calm, it hurt like hell leaving so soon but I was just happy I got to see my son.

    I really didn't want it to go to court.... and I know it will be months before proper visits are allowed but i fear that is the only way. I will do everything that is expected of me and take on board all the great advice that has been given to me on here.

    As far as child maintenance goes. Im sure I did say right at the start of this thread that I have been saving money for him for some time but since I posted this thread was advised the better way was to pay it through the government scheme for child maintenance so I have proof I have been doing it, which I clearly intend to do.

    Thanks again to everyone who has posted with helpful info.

    Not the most appropriative conversation to have with an ex, perhaps.
  • hazyjo
    hazyjo Posts: 15,470 Forumite
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    GOOD_GUY wrote: »

    As far as child maintenance goes. Im sure I did say right at the start of this thread that I have been saving money for him for some time but since I posted this thread was advised the better way was to pay it through the government scheme for child maintenance so I have proof I have been doing it, which I clearly intend to do.

    But do need to actually give your ex money? If she's living with the new bloke, maybe not... I don't know how these things work. You may find you still have to contribute. It's not just a case of saving it for your son. Maybe people are misunderstanding what you're saying...


    Jx
    2023 wins: *must start comping again!*
  • GwylimT
    GwylimT Posts: 6,530 Forumite
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    hazyjo wrote: »
    But do need to actually give your ex money? If she's living with the new bloke, maybe not... I don't know how these things work. You may find you still have to contribute. It's not just a case of saving it for your son. Maybe people are misunderstanding what you're saying...


    Jx

    Having a new partner doesn't remove a parents financial responsibility for their child.
  • Person_one
    Person_one Posts: 28,884 Forumite
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    GOOD_GUY wrote: »


    the 2 short visits I had with my son were not stressful at all for her

    You can't possibly know this. The fact that she didn't appear angry or stressed and didn't shout at you does not mean that she wasn't feeling very high levels of stress or anxiety that she was doing well at keeping under control.

    Its very important that children know who their parents are, and they do have a right to a relationship with both. If you are the child's father (and again, you can't be 100% sure without a DNA test) then you should be paying regular maintenance and you and the child's mother should work towards that goal but it would need to be gradual, with consideration on your part for the differences being a father to a week old baby and becoming a mother to the same baby, going from very heavily pregnant to giving birth, breastfeeding and having care of that week old baby round the clock on your own.

    I am however a bit concerned that you're so adamant about presenting yourself as squeaky clean here, that you've done no wrong at all. You've given yourself the user name 'GOOD GUY', you keep telling us how decent you are, how everybody that knows you (and her) thinks you're perfect and she's evil. That's not reality, there are no 'goodies' and 'baddies'. You aren't perfect, neither is she. You aren't evil, neither is she. I wonder if you have examined your own conduct at all and thought about what you might have done that is less than perfect and what you can do differently or if you're just in defensive mode and won't consider that there might be two equally valid sides to this story.
  • paulfoel
    paulfoel Posts: 5,819 Forumite
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    FBaby wrote: »
    That's exactly what you need to do. Stop brewing on the fact that she has all the control because the reality, however unfair it might is that she does. It's not about fairness to the parents, it's about the child.

    The best thing you can do is accept that building a relationship with your son is going to be a very very long process and you'll have to swallow your frustration over and over again. You'll do it all though because you know that's what is best for your son. Remember that however much you think she is manipulating you, using her power and treating you like rubbish, the best way forward is going to be to try to work things out with her.

    To do so, you need to take a breath and take a step back. You didn't carry a baby for 9 months and didn't give birth, so you can't understand fully that what she needs right now is some peace and quiet and time to bond with her baby. Yes, it's frustrating, but the more you push now and the more defensiveness you're going to get. Ruin it at the start and you risk ruining it for longer.

    So as you suggested, just take what's given, make the best of it, and try to make tiny little steps in your direction one after another. Don't bring it all at the same time, focus on one aspect at a time.

    Hopefully, with time, she will gain respect for you as a man who wants to be a responsible father and makes decision on the basis of what is best for his child not himself.

    Ps: Saving money is not one of those good decisions, what you should do is suggest yourself starting to pay her child maintenance. Make it a direct debit and pay her every month.

    Not sure I agree here. Why does he have to "gain respect" with the mother? Its his child also. All this crap about she needs "peace and quiet" OMG.

    At the moment, sounds very much like the mother is using their child to play stupid games. Shes got the baby and knows the system works for her to be able to do this.

    Im the first to critise dead beat fathers but I HATE women who do this too to decent fathers. OP sounds like hes trying. Its an insult to the decent fathers out there and an insult to the women who really do have deadbeat dads to deal with.

    But OP I still think you might have to tread carefully for a bit. She might calm down a bit she might not. Either way I'd give it a few weeks but then, if it was me, I'd be straight in there legally to get something sorted. Might be tempted with DNA test first though just in case.
    Cymru am Byth !!! :j:j:j
  • paulfoel
    paulfoel Posts: 5,819 Forumite
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    Not the most appropriative conversation to have with an ex, perhaps.

    Jeez - clutching at straws here to have a dig at the poor guy!
    Cymru am Byth !!! :j:j:j
  • DKLS
    DKLS Posts: 13,461 Forumite
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    Get yourself a solicitor and get a DNA test, no point forking out any cash on the off-chance the child isn't yours. Keep it professional and only communicate through solicitors at least in the early stages.
  • cyantist
    cyantist Posts: 560 Forumite
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    Person_one wrote: »
    I am however a bit concerned that you're so adamant about presenting yourself as squeaky clean here, that you've done no wrong at all. You've given yourself the user name 'GOOD GUY', you keep telling us how decent you are, how everybody that knows you (and her) thinks you're perfect and she's evil. That's not reality, there are no 'goodies' and 'baddies'. You aren't perfect, neither is she. You aren't evil, neither is she. I wonder if you have examined your own conduct at all and thought about what you might have done that is less than perfect and what you can do differently or if you're just in defensive mode and won't consider that there might be two equally valid sides to this story.

    Unfortunately there are some women who, while not evil, will cut off contact with a father for no good reason. Her new boyfriend may have said he wants to raise the child as his own and the OP is just getting in the way by wanting a relationship with his son. This doesn't make the op evil but it would make her the 'baddie' in this case.

    Of course the op may be very biased and lying about the fact that all their mutual friends have taken his side and that she has been making up lies about him, but if this is the case then he will be very disappointed if it gets to court. All we can do is go by what he is saying and he seems to be trying everything he can, getting advice on how to do things properly, and taking everything that is said on board.

    It's a very good point about the maintenance though. This isn't just money for your son, it for your ex to bring up your son. If she thinks she will be getting a substantial chunk of money every month in exchange for access, it may help make up her mind.
  • FBaby
    FBaby Posts: 18,367 Forumite
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    Why does he have to "gain respect" with the mother? Its his child also. All this crap about she needs "peace and quiet" OMG.
    Because the reality is that if the mother isn't happy with OP having the baby alone, the process of going to court, gaining supervised visits right and the unsupervised is going to be a very long one, meaning OP might not be able to see his child for many months to come. If however he works on trying to gain his ex's respect, she might feel reassured and prepared to come to an agreement with OP much sooner.

    I didn't say that it was fair that it worked this way, after all, who says that she is more capable to care for the newborn than OP is, but the reality is that women, by virtue of carrying the baby for 9 months, gets to hold the reins. It's better to accept it than fight against it on matter of principle.

    As for considering it 'crap' to want some peace and quiet, well there isn't much to say as your words are confirming why the mother might have been stressed at the prospect of OP's visits.
    At the moment, sounds very much like the mother is using their child to play stupid games
    Or she is dealing with hormones that have taken her by surprise that makes her automatically over protective of her newborn. I was totally aghast at my reaction when DD was born and the Paediatrician came to do her checks. Part of it was to move her hips to make sure they were ok. As she did so, my baby started to cry softly. The urge that I had to fight with all my might so I didn't thump the doctor was overwhelming. I knew then that I would always do anything to protect that baby. I don't say that dad don't get affected by a similar sense of protection, but I don't think it is as intense and quick after the birth.

    Indeed, I hope for OP that his ex is not so selfish as to think she is doing the right thing by erasing him and making her new partner the dad, but then he picked her to have a baby with, so if she is that type of person, nothing that can be done now to make her unselfish.


    It's not particularly encouraging though that OP still thinks that it is ok to just put maintenance aside in savings rather than texting ex to say that he wants to start giving her money, which is what he should be doing and would without a doubt go towards her thinking that he might indeed be responsible and committed.
  • paulfoel
    paulfoel Posts: 5,819 Forumite
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    GOOD_GUY wrote: »
    Will a court really class that as harassment..?. Ive never been to court before or been in trouble so my law knowledge is not great. . But surely they will see im asking about my son... an not exactly stalking threatening or abusive?? and 1 text a day 2 tops only sent on pure concern for my son is hardly going to land me with some notice? I havent even text her today... an I know its pointless anyhow as I will be ignored.... I find out more about my son via facebook

    I do know the courts are a little more helpful towards the Dads than previous years... the sooner it gets there the better....as i have done nothing wrong im confident (well fingers crossed) i will get some kind of correct access... oh and no she is not breast feeding so it should make it easier....

    GG Yes you might be right. BUT it may depend on how your ex percieves it/twists it/lies. I think people are just saying dont overdo it because this may make things worse.

    Get legal advice asap.
    Cymru am Byth !!! :j:j:j
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