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Dad needs advice on seeing Son

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  • GOOD_GUY
    GOOD_GUY Posts: 14 Forumite
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    hazyjo wrote: »
    Okay, five days really isn't very long, and her head's probably a bit all over the place. She may also be feeling a bit odd/paranoid about the baby not being her new partner's and what he might really be thinking. By having you (her ex) still in her life, it will obviously make things awkward for her. Her new OH might not be happy about texts from you about your joint baby. He's probably feeling a bit paranoid too. Instead of making it all about you and her, why don't you just write a letter to them both suggesting you all meet and sort out a suitable day for you to see your son (at yours, theirs or out). If at yours, get a list of what you need there. Put everyone's minds at rest.

    Give it six months and she'll be asking you to have him for a week - let alone when they want a holiday when he's older, or during school hols! She probably needs to know you're serious and will be sticking around.
    Remember, early days... lots of emotions and stuff flying around.
    Jx

    thats pretty much exactly what i was thinking down to a tee...

    but if she blanks me totally i simply cannot arrange anything.... unless via a court
  • FBaby
    FBaby Posts: 18,367 Forumite
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    I feel it is almost certainly going down the court route... the last I heard i may see him 1 hour a week at a mutual friends but i cannot take him anywhere... even to see my Mum.... I will still jump at the chance just to see him for one hour!!!!
    That's exactly what you need to do. Stop brewing on the fact that she has all the control because the reality, however unfair it might is that she does. It's not about fairness to the parents, it's about the child.

    The best thing you can do is accept that building a relationship with your son is going to be a very very long process and you'll have to swallow your frustration over and over again. You'll do it all though because you know that's what is best for your son. Remember that however much you think she is manipulating you, using her power and treating you like rubbish, the best way forward is going to be to try to work things out with her.

    To do so, you need to take a breath and take a step back. You didn't carry a baby for 9 months and didn't give birth, so you can't understand fully that what she needs right now is some peace and quiet and time to bond with her baby. Yes, it's frustrating, but the more you push now and the more defensiveness you're going to get. Ruin it at the start and you risk ruining it for longer.

    So as you suggested, just take what's given, make the best of it, and try to make tiny little steps in your direction one after another. Don't bring it all at the same time, focus on one aspect at a time.

    Hopefully, with time, she will gain respect for you as a man who wants to be a responsible father and makes decision on the basis of what is best for his child not himself.

    Ps: Saving money is not one of those good decisions, what you should do is suggest yourself starting to pay her child maintenance. Make it a direct debit and pay her every month.
  • Mojisola
    Mojisola Posts: 35,559 Forumite
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    Have a look around http://www.separateddads.co.uk/ - useful site.

    You can get your name added to the birth certificate through a Declaration of Parentage through the courts.
  • missbiggles1
    missbiggles1 Posts: 17,481 Forumite
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    Although it's a completely separate issue, what arrangements have you made for paying maintenance?
  • Dill
    Dill Posts: 1,743 Forumite
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    OP have you tried these people?

    https://fnf.org.uk/
  • tomtontom
    tomtontom Posts: 7,929 Forumite
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    GOOD_GUY wrote: »
    I dont know about her new partner... I know he currently cant see his kids i dont know for what reason.

    I know he is not helping at all... and maybe see's me the father of her baby as a roadblock to his new relationship with my ex....
    The problem is everything has to be a drama for her.. I text 3 times in 4 days asking how she was days before she gave birth and apparently that was stressing her out too much. i only asked if she could at least tell me she was in labour.

    She has made up crazy stories about me that is the problem and when I have asked her why she is doing it i get "your assuming things" and "your just paranoid" this is why her friends have disowned her and how I know what crazy stories she has said about me, but her lies dont add up and she changes them frequently... and im certain she has told her parents this stuff too.
    I think naively i dont know that maybe deep down she does have some kind of feelings for me still and thus is why she is still very bitter and trying to hurt me... As whenever she speaks to anyone it is all about myself and never our son... she glazes over it....

    she was texting my mum no problems... my mum text the next day to ask if she could see my son for the 1st time in the hospital... she didnt reply (never does when our son is mentioned) so my mum was concerned and called the ward and asked for a message to be passed on... "can you please ask **** to let me know her and R*** are ok I have not heard back from her for a while"

    my ex then texts people saying my Mum is being sneaky trying to find out she is on the ward, and she 's not happy and doesnt appreciate it....
    this is the kind of person we are dealing with... I do worry in all seriousness there may be some kind of mental issue going on maybe not diagnosed i do not know... but the paranoia is unreal.

    Maybe less paranoia and mental illness, more wishing you/ your family would leave her alone?

    Stop texting her, stop getting your mum involved, make arrangements for access through a solicitor/ mediator (mediation would be expected before court). I've seen a very similar situation and it ended with police issuing a harassment notice. That's not going to help your case if you do need to go to court.

    I am sympathetic, but you need to back off.
  • Dill
    Dill Posts: 1,743 Forumite
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    tomtontom wrote: »
    Maybe less paranoia and mental illness, more wishing you/ your family would leave her alone?

    Stop texting her, stop getting your mum involved, make arrangements for access through a solicitor/ mediator (mediation would be expected before court). I've seen a very similar situation and it ended with police issuing a harassment notice. That's not going to help your case if you do need to go to court.

    I am sympathetic, but you need to back off.

    I'm sorry to state the obvious but if it was the father preventing the mother from seeing her 5 day old baby would peoples views be the same, I wonder..
  • Marvel1
    Marvel1 Posts: 7,200 Forumite
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    edited 31 May 2016 at 5:50PM
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    I think the time has passed being nice and giving her space. Your the Dad, you have equal rights, get down to CAB on where to start gain legal access.

    If she is well enough to introduce him to her friends etc, then she is well enough for you to see him the Dad.
  • tomtontom
    tomtontom Posts: 7,929 Forumite
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    Dill wrote: »
    I'm sorry to state the obvious but if it was the father preventing the mother from seeing her 5 day old baby would peoples views be the same, I wonder..

    It would be unusual but if the father had lawfully got the five day old child then my advice would be the same. The mother should contact a mediator etc and stop texting and calling the father.
    cjdavies wrote: »
    I think the time has passed being nice and giving her space. Your the Dad, you have equal rights, get down to CAB on where to start gain legal access.

    In reality the law is heavily biased towards the mother in these situations. Fathers do not have equal rights (and no, I don't think that is fair).
  • Rosemary7391
    Rosemary7391 Posts: 2,879 Forumite
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    I would stop with the texts - what can you usefully say in such a short message? And the (understandable) temptation is to keep texting repeatedly which as explained isn't a good road to go down.

    I'd suggest drafting a letter, in which you say what arrangements you'd like to make about child maintenance (there are online calculators to work out a suitable starting amount). Ask for bank details to pay it into, and set up a standing order with a suitable reference so there isn't any argument about you paying. Then go on to talk about contact - ask for something reasonable and to review once the child has grown up a bit. I have no idea how long a new born baby can be away from mum, especially if the baby is being breast fed, but as the child gets older that won't be a concern. Basic things are that it should be regular so everyone knows where they're at, convenient for both parties etc.

    Once the letter is written, put it away for at least a day, then re read it to see if it still sounds reasonable. Keep a copy when you send it.
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