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Dad needs advice on seeing Son

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  • GOOD_GUY
    GOOD_GUY Posts: 14 Forumite
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    JReacher1 wrote: »
    Seems a bit weird this situation. You say you are a great guy (given yourself the username of good guy) and yet this woman and her family seem to absolutely hate you. Seems a bit weird and I suspect there is something you're not saying.

    Start paying maintenance and start legal proceedings to get access to your son.


    good guys a suitable name and easy to remember! and better than guy34526 or mack22256 is it that hard to believe a woman can be spiteful lie and talk rubbish about their ex as their bitter or upset their ex is with someone new and who is a much kinder person thus making me more happy? I dont think its that unbelievable to be honest.

    but thanks for your comment I will be seeking immediate legal advice.

    parents are going to take their kids side...
  • JReacher1
    JReacher1 Posts: 4,652 Forumite
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    GOOD_GUY wrote: »
    good guys a suitable name and easy to remember! and better than guy34526 or mack22256 is it that hard to believe a woman can be spiteful lie and talk rubbish about their ex as their bitter or upset their ex is with someone new and who is a much kinder person thus making me more happy? I dont think its that unbelievable to be honest.

    but thanks for your comment I will be seeking immediate legal advice.

    parents are going to take their kids side...

    Your reluctance to confirm you are (or will be) paying maintenance despite a few posters asking could be one of the reasons why relations are strained....

    Im never too sure about posts where someone basically refers to themselves as an angel and their ex as being completely unreasonable. In my experience of life it's very rare that one party in a situation like this is 100% blameless and the other person is completely at fault.

    Anyway good luck with your case and hopefully you'll see your son soon.
  • Rosemary7391
    Rosemary7391 Posts: 2,879 Forumite
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    GOOD_GUY wrote: »
    Yes I tried so many times but she refused to talk on the phone as adults or to meet to talk properly..... she ignored my texts 90% of the time during pregnancy... if i asked how the pregnancy was going I was told "fine"

    If I ever asked will i be on the birth certificate, do you have an idea on names, when will I see him etc... I was ignored...

    since he was born im totally ignored..... like she thinks I will give up and go away... an no doubt her and her Mother will tell him im useless wasnt interested and all the rest of it and will attempt to poison his tiny mind.
    He deserves better than this, yes its early days still but I only see it getting much worse before getting better

    She cuts off anyone and everyone who says she should let me see him.

    This is another reason to stop with the texts... keep all the letters, cards etc that you write/receive, and one day, if your son asks, you'll be able to show him that you tried. That's a long way in the future, not appropriate until he's an adult, but something to consider.
  • FBaby
    FBaby Posts: 18,367 Forumite
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    My advice is before you have any communication with her think about what yoy are going to say/do twice. Accept the fact that from her perspective i5 would suit her if you were not in the picture at all so anything she is going to agree to,if she does, is what she does it of a sense of duty towards her son not to please you.

    I can imagine her response when she read that you wanted to come to bond with him, likely 'FGS I've only just giving birth baby is trying to recover from the trauma of birth but all he can think about is how HE wants to bond with him. It's all about him and what he wants'.

    A 'congratulations I hope all went well and the birth wasn't too difficult. I understand that you must be exhausted and need time to rest and baby is probably sleeping but it would mean so much to me to come to see him whenever you think is a good time. In the meantime a picture of him would mean a lot' would probably have been better received.
  • missbiggles1
    missbiggles1 Posts: 17,481 Forumite
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    GOOD_GUY wrote: »
    Yes I tried so many times but she refused to talk on the phone as adults or to meet to talk properly..... she ignored my texts 90% of the time during pregnancy... if i asked how the pregnancy was going I was told "fine"

    If I ever asked will i be on the birth certificate, do you have an idea on names, when will I see him etc... I was ignored...

    since he was born im totally ignored..... like she thinks I will give up and go away... an no doubt her and her Mother will tell him im useless wasnt interested and all the rest of it and will attempt to poison his tiny mind.
    He deserves better than this, yes its early days still but I only see it getting much worse before getting better

    She cuts off anyone and everyone who says she should let me see him.

    I'm afraid that you're coming across as really selfish and rather creepy. You just don't hassle an ex in the way you've been doing and I'm not surprised you're getting that response. Back off.
  • burlington6
    burlington6 Posts: 2,112 Forumite
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    Go for shared custody and do whatever it takes to be in your childs life.

    In the UK a woman is always seen as the better parent due to her gender, unfortunately.

    They don't want equality when it comes to this subject. They are presumed to be the better parent because they gave birth.

    Do everything you can.
  • TonyMMM
    TonyMMM Posts: 3,394 Forumite
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    If you are not married then you cannot be on the birth certificate unless she agrees to you going to register the birth with her, which sounds unlikely. She has no choice in whether to add your name or not, that it is the law.

    Without her agreement the only way around that, and to get parental responsibility is to get an order through the courts.

    At the moment - you have no rights at all - get some good legal advice.
  • Mojisola
    Mojisola Posts: 35,559 Forumite
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    GOOD_GUY wrote: »
    Current situation my ex had my son 5 days ago I have seen him for 30 minutes in total

    she invited her friends to see him and they fed and held him before me..

    I had to randomly turn up at the hospital and ask to see him or I wouldnt have seen him at all....

    The last message I sent was to ask how my son was and again im ignored..
    FBaby wrote: »
    My advice is before you have any communication with her think about what yoy are going to say/do twice. Accept the fact that from her perspective i5 would suit her if you were not in the picture at all so anything she is going to agree to,if she does, is what she does it of a sense of duty towards her son not to please you.

    I can imagine her response when she read that you wanted to come to bond with him, likely 'FGS I've only just giving birth baby is trying to recover from the trauma of birth but all he can think about is how HE wants to bond with him. It's all about him and what he wants'.

    A 'congratulations I hope all went well and the birth wasn't too difficult. I understand that you must be exhausted and need time to rest and baby is probably sleeping but it would mean so much to me to come to see him whenever you think is a good time. In the meantime a picture of him would mean a lot' would probably have been better received.

    If she was well enough to have friends and family visiting to meet the baby, there's no reason why the child's father shouldn't also be able to visit.

    The child has the right to know both his parents - she may prefer that the OP walked away from the new life she's making with another man but she's being very unfair preventing her child from getting to know his father.

    OP - get to court and get arrangements for contact made and start paying maintenance.
  • FBaby
    FBaby Posts: 18,367 Forumite
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    If she was well enough to have friends and family visiting to meet the baby, there's no reason why the child's father shouldn't also be able to visit.
    Except that friends will make the visit a pleasurable experience, the way OP is coming across, I can see why she would be worried that it would turn into a stressful moment.
    The child has the right to know both his parents
    I agree 100% with that, but OP will need to accept that the more he makes demands, the less likely he is that things will happen how he wished them too.

    Going to court will at best give him a few hours supervised visits to start with and likely that it would be months before he could take the child on his own and then to his place if the mother was to be totally against it. What he needs to do is everything to give her reassurance that he can be a good father. That means mainly being reliable, showing that he has looked into what being a father means, and paying maintenance regularly.

    It will then comes down to whether with this reassurance, she accepts for the sake of what is best for a child that OP is very much involved in their life, or whether despite it, she decides that it doesn't suit her agenda and is difficult. He can then go to court with all the evidence that he has always done everything to be a good father, discrediting anything that she might try to use against him.
  • GOOD_GUY
    GOOD_GUY Posts: 14 Forumite
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    TonyMMM wrote: »
    If you are not married then you cannot be on the birth certificate unless she agrees to you going to register the birth with her, which sounds unlikely. She has no choice in whether to add your name or not, that it is the law.

    Without her agreement the only way around that, and to get parental responsibility is to get an order through the courts.

    At the moment - you have no rights at all - get some good legal advice.

    As someone said earlier I will likely need a declaration of parentage... she has not confirmed whether I can be on the certificate and was very vague when I asked her.
    Mojisola wrote: »
    If she was well enough to have friends and family visiting to meet the baby, there's no reason why the child's father shouldn't also be able to visit.
    The child has the right to know both his parents - she may prefer that the OP walked away from the new life she's making with another man but she's being very unfair preventing her child from getting to know his father.
    OP - get to court and get arrangements for contact made and start paying maintenance.

    I think you are totally right, she does plan on having a new life with this guy and trying to cut me off, I have no problem with her new life the happier she is the happier my son will be. I have appointment for legal advice now.
    FBaby wrote: »
    Except that friends will make the visit a pleasurable experience, the way OP is coming across, I can see why she would be worried that it would turn into a stressful moment.
    I agree 100% with that, but OP will need to accept that the more he makes demands, the less likely he is that things will happen how he wished them too.
    Going to court will at best give him a few hours supervised visits to start with and likely that it would be months before he could take the child on his own and then to his place if the mother was to be totally against it. What he needs to do is everything to give her reassurance that he can be a good father. That means mainly being reliable, showing that he has looked into what being a father means, and paying maintenance regularly.

    It will then comes down to whether with this reassurance, she accepts for the sake of what is best for a child that OP is very much involved in their life, or whether despite it, she decides that it doesn't suit her agenda and is difficult. He can then go to court with all the evidence that he has always done everything to be a good father, discrediting anything that she might try to use against him.

    the 2 short visits I had with my son were not stressful at all for her, we spoke about him how the birth went etc... I congratulated her on doing so well and producing a gorgeous little boy, held him and left no stress anger, shouting, everyone was calm, it hurt like hell leaving so soon but I was just happy I got to see my son.

    I really didn't want it to go to court.... and I know it will be months before proper visits are allowed but i fear that is the only way. I will do everything that is expected of me and take on board all the great advice that has been given to me on here.

    As far as child maintenance goes. Im sure I did say right at the start of this thread that I have been saving money for him for some time but since I posted this thread was advised the better way was to pay it through the government scheme for child maintenance so I have proof I have been doing it, which I clearly intend to do.

    Thanks again to everyone who has posted with helpful info.
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