Concerns for 13y/o son - am i over reacting

Andypandyboy

I might have missed it, but what exactly is the content of the messages?

cms33

FBaby wrote: »

In that case, if you cut all contact, be prepared for the repercussion. Rightly or not, he has become very attached to them so not only cutting off any contact is going to get them to take any possible action to restore it, but is likely to have massive impact on your relationship with him. At 13, he will have a say in court now, and if contact with his mum has been regular and she can now show that she is in a position to look after him full-time, a judge could grant his wishes, and he will be back to having a relationship with the step-mum via the mum.

I think you are much better trying to understand why your son craves this attention from this couple and decides whether it is doing more damage than stopping any contact would.

I do take your point... however my son isn't related to the step parents, if I had not met my wife.. he would never of met them.. you could possibly say it's partly my own fault. I'm just worried about the conversations they have and he rarely believes a word any of my family say anymore but believes this woman who's not even related.

cms33

Andypandyboy wrote: »

I might have missed it, but what exactly is the content of the messages?

This is one of the texts I got off my sons phone..... I've only taken names out.... is this OK?... what would everyone else do?... oh btw we don't talk about my wife's parents really and certainly don't call them... it's all too upsetting...

Hi ...

Really great to see you last night and have such a giggle as we did round at your Mum's house; you were on top, top form Senora , as indeed was everyone else! What a laugh we had and it was all just a bit of fun at the end of the day.

I haven't laughed or enjoyed myself so much in such a long, long time and it was so good to feel some happiness once again instead of all the !!!!!ing and back-biting that seems to be continually going on around you, your Mum, me and wife's dad these days.

But do you know what really made my heart smile ? It was to see how happy and relaxed you are when you're with your Mum, L and J; I loved the banter, joking and leg-pulling that goes on between the three of you and it is so obvious to anyone who has a brain (or even half a brain come to that) that you are happy, confident and at ease when staying at your Mum's house. So please thank your Mum and Aunty for the great couple of hours we all had together last night ... I loved it!

On another note, I know that you might find it difficult to understand why( wife's dad) does not want wife's brother or wife to know that the cancer he had in his bladder has returned and that he needs further treatment, but wife's dad has just reached the end of his patience with both of his kids and most certainly with the very silly and immature way in which they see fit to continue conducting themselves; you'd think they were the children in this lot and not the adults they are supposed to be.

It might interest you to know , that when wife's dad first found out about his illness having returned, I myself asked wife's dad if I could contact wife's brother and wife to let them know about what was going on with their Dad, but wife's dad was (and indeed, still is) 100% definite that he does not wish them to know anything. As he said to me, if they don't want to talk to me/us when I am well, then it would be so false on their part for them to want to talk to me/us just because they know about my illness having returned; again as wifes dad said, they can't have it all ways and just pick and choose as and when they want to have something to do with wife's dad; sadly , life doesn't work like that and to treat people in the manner that wifes brother and wife have treated their Dad, is totally hurtful, unfair and again, extremely immature on their part.

Wifes dad knows that I have told you about him having to have further hospital treatment and also that I have reassured you that all will be okay with wife's dad - which it will - but he too has asked me to ask you ... please DO NOT say anything to wife's brother or wife and as these are wifes dad specific wishes , I know that you can be trusted to do as wifes dad as requested and to not say anything ... thank you for that.

Finally, can I say a personal "thank you" to you for letting me/us talk to you about the problems me and wife's dad have been having over baby wife's nephew first birthday, which I explained to you last night before tea. Wifes dad and I thought your responses and opinions were very mature and grown-up and that you were able to see where wife's dad and I were coming from with regards to this situation; we do not deliberately want to ignore little wife's nephew first birthday (indeed, quite the opposite in fact) but after the way things have been lately, and the way in which wife's brother and wife have refused to come round to our place (even though we have asked them to - and would still like them to do) so that they can speak to me and wife's dad on their own - without interference from anybody else - and just sit down and talk things through and try to get something sorted out; but they have refused to do this and neither wife's dad nor myself are now prepared to ask them again ... so really, as wifes dad himself says, it's down to them .

Well matey, I'm just about to go for a swim, so will catch up with you later. Sorry this was such a long message, hopefully you haven't fallen asleep reading it!

Take care and, as always, big hugs ...

xx

Andypandyboy

Firstly, I think you should remove the real names. Secondly, I think this is a tit for tat game to punish you for the fact that you have stopped them seeing the new baby.

It comes across as ingratiating and "sucking up", it is very manipulative, but it is behaviour that will guarantee your son will see her as being on his side, being the one he can wrap around his little finger, the one who will go against parental rules.

I don't see grooming or anything sinister in it. I see a well thought out calculated plan to either rip your family apart as she thinks has happened with her family, or she wants a mole in camp that she can manipulate, with the eventual effect of getting back into your family circle.

I think you are going ot have to play a clever game here or she will kill your son with "kindness" and alienate him from your family.

peachyprice

Whoa, if those are the real names of the people in this situation, remove them NOW.

cms33

Andypandyboy wrote: »

Firstly, I think you should remove the real names. Secondly, I think this is a tit for tat game to punish you for the fact that you have stopped them seeing the new baby.

It comes across as ingratiating and "sucking up", it is very manipulative, but it is behaviour that will guarantee your son will see her as being on his side, being the one he can wrap around his little finger, the one who will go against parental rules.

I don't see grooming or anything sinister in it. I see a well thought out calculated plan to either rip your family apart as she thinks has happened with her family, or she wants a mole in camp that she can manipulate, with the eventual effect of getting back into your family circle.

I think you are going ot have to play a clever game here or she will kill your son with "kindness" and alienate him from your family.

I don't know what she's upto.... I don't really want to play any games.. it's all just tiring and draining mentally and emotionally. This is why I've found my way here discussing it because I don't know what to do. I just want my son to have a happy child hood.. enjoy the things around him... do some fun things and give him a good grounding for adulthood.. would prefer if people didn't medal..

Mojisola

cms33 wrote: »

my son is lovely however there is a huge difference in my son when I take him to his mums on a Sunday to picking him up on a Tuesday.. especially this week he has been just nasty and awful, he's not a nasty child.

Each week is ghe same story.. it's a constant circle..... comes home nasty then steady mellows becomes normal towards the weekend and then goes back to his mum... and then start over again...

Keep this at the centre of your mind.

He is happier in the home environment you are providing.

Get him to talk in confidence to a neutral person so that he can say what's happening without any of it getting back to the adults in his life. He is being pulled several ways at the moment and it's not fair on him.

FBaby

Gosh, I understand where you are coming from now! The one serious issue is that she seems totally oblivious that he is a 13yo child and however mature he might be, that sort of 'confession' is totally inappropriate.

Is the mum aware of that sort of communication? Because someone does need to have a word with her about appropriate level of interaction with a young teenager. I am amazed that your boy isn't freaked out by these kind of message. My boy would be so freaked out about the intensity of it all, he would just want to stay away from all contact.

I really don't know what to recommend but maybe seeking advice from a professional children advocate.

cms33

Thanks everyone for your comments..

rpc

cms33 wrote: »

it is so obvious to anyone who has a brain (or even half a brain come to that) that you are happy, confident and at ease when staying at your Mum's house.

That choice of words when talking to a 13 year old?

It seems a bit as if these messages are trying to lay foundations for something.

She is manipulating. Blatantly obvious to any adult, probably not to a relatively innocent teen. I would try to cut it out but without turning off your son. Easier said than done...