Concerns for 13y/o son - am i over reacting

cms33

Oh... and my wife's step mother isn't approachable.. shes the type that would accuse us of abusing her.... apparently she's always the victim.

My ex is still, more than 3 years after separation, extremely bitter towards me even though I left her because I couldn't stand her any longer.

The courts/social/cafcass/camhs made the decision to place my son with me.. unfortunately when she realised she couldn't influence and be abusive to me she turned to my son.

selloptape

What does your partner/wife think about her step mother's influence over your son, does she see an issue?

susancs

So the person who you have concerns about is not related to your son at all, but is your current partners step mother. I take it that his lady has only been in your son's life for a short time as you mention only splitting up from son's mum 3 years ago.

It could be that you son's change in behaviour could be just down to his hormones kicking in and him becoming a moody teenager. Parents at that point suddenly become very "uncool" and other family members great. We were lucky that our teenagers adored their grandparents and they were a good influence. From what you are saying this "grandparent" does not like you and is making it clear to your son, which is unacceptable. You need to speak to this grandparent and explain this. At your son's age it would be impossible to ban contact as that would only make him do it on the quiet and grandmother would only have more of a hold over him.

cms33

My wife feels very guilty for introducing my son to them... she feels it's wrong on so many levels, not just the type messages, but what it's doing to my son.

Then there is the issue of why is my wife's dad and step mother spending time with my ex.
My wife has tried talking to her dad to understand what's happening but the step mother intervenes all the time. I had seen messages on my sons phone saying what a lovely time they all had at the ex's house, but when my wife asked her dad about he tried to lie and at first said they hadn't been. When we told him we had seen my sons messages he became aggressive...

Unfortunately now my wife feels very hurt and that she has lost her dad..

duchy

So basically your new partner's father and step mother would prefer their daughter to be with a man unencumbered by children living with him .....or hope you and she will have a child and don't want that child to have to "compete" with a resident half sibling?

Or do they just not like you and feel the boy would be better with his Mum

What are their motives ?

cms33

susancs wrote: »

So the person who you have concerns about is not related to your son at all, but is your current partners step mother. I take it that his lady has only been in your son's life for a short time as you mention only splitting up from son's mum 3 years ago.

It could be that you son's change in behaviour could be just down to his hormones kicking in and him becoming a moody teenager. Parents at that point suddenly become very "uncool" and other family members great. We were lucky that our teenagers adored their grandparents and they were a good influence. From what you are saying this "grandparent" does not like you and is making it clear to your son, which is unacceptable. You need to speak to this grandparent and explain this. At your son's age it would be impossible to ban contact as that would only make him do it on the quiet and grandmother would only have more of a hold over him.

Yeah that's pretty much it.. my son is lovely however there is a huge difference in my son when I take him to his mums on a Sunday to picking him up on a Tuesday.. especially this week he has been just nasty and awful, he's not a nasty child. Each week is ghe same story.. it's a constant circle..... comes home nasty then steady mellows becomes normal towards the weekend and then goes back to his mum... and then start over again...
It's not a nice way to live, for us or for him.

Thanks

pigpen

cms33 wrote: »

Yeah that's pretty much it.. my son is lovely however there is a huge difference in my son when I take him to his mums on a Sunday to picking him up on a Tuesday.. especially this week he has been just nasty and awful, he's not a nasty child. Each week is the same story.. it's a constant circle..... comes home nasty then steady mellows becomes normal towards the weekend and then goes back to his mum... and then start over again...
It's not a nice way to live, for us or for him.

Thanks

1.. don't let the new partners stepparents or parents have access to your child.. they are not relatives, they have no right to see him.. just eliminate them from his life.. what can they do?

2. his mothers house has different rules.. he is 13 and having a hormone party.. his behaviour is perfectly normal. Does he WANT to stay over at his mothers? Does he even want to go? If he doesn't then don't force him.. SS would side with him whatever his choice so just speak to him!

silvercar

duchy wrote: »

So basically your new partner's father and step mother would prefer their daughter to be with a man unencumbered by children living with him .....or hope you and she will have a child and don't want that child to have to "compete" with a resident half sibling?

Or do they just not like you and feel the boy would be better with his Mum

What are their motives ?

This may be it. Meddling in-laws.

I also find it odd why they need to spend time with your ex. There must be a generational gap if nothing else, so I can't see they have anything in common, other than their step grandchild is the ex's son.

Andypandyboy

duchy wrote: »

So basically your new partner's father and step mother would prefer their daughter to be with a man unencumbered by children living with him .....or hope you and she will have a child and don't want that child to have to "compete" with a resident half sibling?

Or do they just not like you and feel the boy would be better with his Mum

What are their motives ?

This cuts to the crux of the matter. What are their motives?

FBaby

That's an interesting set up... what it seems to translate to is that somehow, your wife's parents (it doesn't matter much that it's not her biological mum) think that your parenting is not up to scratch and as such feel sorry for your son and his mum.

Personally, I would have a serious conversation with them to try to get to the bottom of why they feel they need to be 'there' for your son.

Do not assume that because your son becomes difficult when he is with his mum that it is BECAUSE of his mum. My DS also comes home grumpy from seeing his dad but nothing wrong happens there on the opposite, it is because he associates week-end there more relaxing as it's at the week-end and being home means dealing with constraints.

Yep, teenage boys are not easy to deal with but then again, many will say that teenage girls are as bad if not worse (mine never went through that stage so it was a double shock with my DS).

The more you convince yourself that his behaviour is directly linked with his relationship with your ex and your wife's parents, the more he will withdraw from you. Instead, focus on continuing to impose discipline whilst offering your love by treating him to one to one time doing things that he really enjoys (even if he has to be forced because he'll pretend his not interested).