Concerns for 13y/o son - am i over reacting

cms33

Hi everybody, its all a very long story but in short ill try and make this as clear as possible.

back in sept 2014 i was awarded custody of my son by the courts. On a 5 nights with me and 2 nights with his mum. I did say at the time she could have him 3 nights thinking i was helping the situation, but was told that she couldn't look after him for 3 nights. Pretty much 2/3 of that first year of him living with me he refused to see his mum no matter how much i tried to encourage him. Eventually a breakthrough and he started to go back to see his mum just before the summer holidays. Immediately they were best of friends which at the time i found a little strange although was pleased he was back seeing her.

In between all of this on a thursday after school he would go visit my partners dad and respective partner/step mother. Everything was portrayed to be and also seemed on the face of it quite normal until oct 2015. At this time things started appear strange, things that they did were starting to be withheld and i wouldn't get any answers.. In the october they went away to australia to visit family and things were starting to be said to my son, one of which was "your dad best not stop us from seeing you when we return", not that i had said anything whatsoever to either him or to them. For some reason we didnt have a lot of contact whilst they were away but when we did everything seemed quite normal... however my son was having skype conversations every sunday morning whilst he was at his mums, but never at our house. which on the face of it i found a little strange.

I found out in the december that there must have been some kind of conversations about him leaving our house and my partners step mother had left social services number with my mum.. all of this was a complete shock to me, he'd not mentioned a single thing and seemed quite happy.

Until the parent/step parents returning in feburary of this year he was a fairly normal 13 year old boy.. Since their return he has changed very dramatically, he seems quite withdrawn, doesnt talk much and seems down some of the time... its quite heartbreaking to see and very worrying.

This is all a bit like piecing together a jigsaw puzzle, i fell out with my mum for a couple of weeks whilst they were away is oz, it later transpires that the lady concerned tried to poison my mum against my partner. Several other things have happened along the way and now my partner and parent/step parent arent talking to each other. Yes it all seems a bit Jeremy Kyle but the worrying bit for me now is this......

My son for a while has been coming out with various statements that can only have come from this step parent, and unfortunately none of it is true, or at best a very distorted view. He has become very argumentative and refuses to accept what we say or believe a word we say. I have only tried to be fair in everything with my son. This (rightly or wrong) has prompted me to check his messages with the step parent.. These messages are very deep, they are very much pro his mum yet extremely negative towards his home life. I would go as far as to say the messages are very much like character assassination on us both. They are including lots of adult conversations and teaching him to lie about things, delete messages etc etc.. A lot of the content is very much like pyschological manipulation and a form of grooming..

I see the changes in him when he has had contact with his mum and the step parent, i know for a fact they are putting extreme pressures on him and its not right. He has now just started saying that he wants to go to his mums more which isnt a problem as ive already let him go extra in the past, but his mum is pushing for an agreement every week..
i have tried to explain my concerns with my ex-partner(his mum) who it seems has now become very good friends with the step parent and his mum doesn't accept anything is wrong.

I have felt the best thing that i could do is stop him from seeing step parent whilst he is with me but the ex is still letting him see her.
I have got to the point now where i dont know what to do or who to contact first... or am i just over reacting, the step parent isn't approachable by any means.. close friends have told me i need to act upon it and stop it...

sorry for going on.. hope it makes some kind of sense, but would really appreciate some kind of advice.

Thanks in advance.

Guest101

To be honest it's impossible to follow, I gave up.


I recommend re-writing with just the important bits summarised.

pigpen

Guest101 wrote: »

To be honest it's impossible to follow, I gave up.


I recommend re-writing with just the important bits summarised.

Oh I thought it was just me.. I typed a post and deleted it because I didnt know if i was being mean or stupid.. clearly neither!

tea_lover

Couldn't follow who was related to who, sorry. Why would your son be spending time with your partner's stepmum?!

onomatopoeia99

I don't think I've decoded this post correctly:

You have a new partner. Your son from a previous relationship spends time (how much?) once a week with one of your new partner's parents and their new partner? Why? And these two people that are entirely unrelated to your son took him to Australia without either you or his mother? And (this is the really confusing bit) your new partner's step-parent gave the phone number of social services to your mother? Has your mother explained to you why and what they expected her to do with this information? Do they think your mother cannot use the phone directory?

reehsetin

Couldn't make sense of it but sounds like he could use an impartial ear e.g. a therapist, someone he can be honest with who may be able to help him straighten his thoughts

Angry_Bear

Sorry, but I don't really follow the relationships here. If you don't mind, I'll make you "dad" ...

cms33 wrote: »

... i was awarded custody of my son

I'll refer to him as Son.

.. his mum

From now on "mum".

In between all of this on a thursday after school he would go visit my partners dad and respective partner/step mother.

From the rest of your post I assume that "my partner" above is actually your ex, i.e. "mum"?
So the people here are maternal grandparents (for simplicity I'm glossing over the fact that one of them is a step-grandparent).

This is all a bit like piecing together a jigsaw puzzle, i fell out with my mum for a couple of weeks whilst they were away is oz, it later transpires that the lady concerned tried to poison my mum against my partner.

Now I'm really confused - I thought it was maternal grandparents who were in Australia? Who is "the lady concerned"? Are you saying that maternal-grandmother has been poisoning your mother (let's call her "paternal grandmother") against you?

My son for a while has been coming out with various statements that can only have come from this step parent

Maternal grandmother?

Several other things have happened along the way and now my partner and parent/step parent arent talking to each other. Yes it all seems a bit Jeremy Kyle but the worrying bit for me now is this......

Just confirming, but "partner" here is ex - i.e. Son's mum?
And therefore parent/step parent are maternal grandparents?
Are you saying that mum is no longer talking to maternal grandparents - this may mean she will be more receptive to making sure Son's involvement with them is limited or monitored.

Generally speaking, how approachable is your ex? If you take some of this evidence (i.e. copies of the messages) to her could you have a calm and rational discussion with her and perhaps get some more support from her w.r.t. her parents?

Alternatively, could you have a chat with Social Services to see what they recommend, they may be able to suggest some sort of mediation or counselling so your son can discuss things with a neutral third-party, it might help mitigate some of the "poisoning".

*max*

Whose "step parent" is the step parent?

Who did your son go to Australia with?

Who gave SS number to your mother?

I don't think it could make any less sense. Can you clarify??

fairy_lights

It hurts my head trying to work that out.
So your ex-partner is letting your son spend a lot of time with her step-parent, who you think is turning your son against you?

silvercar

If your son is living with you (his dad) and your new partner. Your new partner is a step mum and her parents would be step grand parents. Seems straight forward and I don't see why there is an issue with your son spending time with his step grandparents. Indeed it is not un-common for grandparents to offer some childcare.

Of course, if the grandparents (step or otherwise) are toxic in some way then it is for you as parent to decide how far the relationship is allowed to go.

Ames

I don't think the son went to to Australia, but the grandparents did and Skyped him every week but only when he was with his mum.