Concerns for 13y/o son - am i over reacting

FBaby

What is odd in this situation is that your son seem to need her attention. That can mean only two things, either she is blackmailing him with promises or he really isn't happy at home with you, even if you don't understand why.

You need to unravel which one it is. Most teenagers would otherwise have no interest in having so much contact with someone who isn't even related to them (hard enough to get them to engage to those who are!).

cms33

duchy wrote: »

But does he get one on one Dad time ?
Going to the pictures, bowling, football etc
It's not a criticism I know how exhausting it can be both physically and mentally with a disabled LO with health issues.

Basically yes.. he does... although I've not taken him bowling for a little while...

missbiggles1

cms33 wrote: »

If I'm totally honest.. my 13yo probably doesn't get quite as much attention as before.. but he still gets a good chunk of my time and we try to include him in as much as possible.. but saying that he also sees his friends slightly more too..
I think in a normal grandparent role it is natural for them to take up a bit of slack.. but this ishould hardly normal, they are refusing to speak to us... any of us.. even my mum has been dropped like a stone. The only one the step parent contacts is my son.... usually anything from 2-6 messages a day.. more if they get into a conversation.. her messages are usually essay length... not the normal "hi how are you"etc...

But they aren't his grandparents - that's a large part of the problem. Given that this is the case, I can't see why you can't cut them out of your and your son's life and let your new partner and son have a separate relationship with them.

Your last paragraph seems really sinister to me and certainly unnatural.

redpete

Still getting confused with 4 mums, 3 of whom are step-mums, not quite sure which you are referring to all the time. Anyhow...

cms33 wrote: »

Well here is the bit I didn't want to include because I don't want to involve him.... last year me and my wife had a child of our own... unfortunately he has and continues to have lots of issues. He has a rare chromosome abnormality ... basically has extra needs.. and has a huge part of our focus.

Maybe you didn't want to involve new child in the story but I suspect this new arrival could play a big part in why the 13 yr old is feeling confused and upset.

cms33

FBaby wrote: »

What is odd in this situation is that your son seem to need her attention. That can mean only two things, either she is blackmailing him with promises or he really isn't happy at home with you, even if you don't understand why.
You need to unravel which one it is. Most teenagers would otherwise have no interest in having so much contact with someone who isn't even related to them (hard enough to get them to engage to those who are!).

On the face of it from what I have seen in the past the step mother was always overly nice and lovery dovey, I just thought at the time she was feeling sorry for him due to how his mum had been and was never there for him. I think he likes the attention.. step parent is a very emotional type of person and very much ott. She just can't do enough for him..

FBaby

In that case, if you cut all contact, be prepared for the repercussion. Rightly or not, he has become very attached to them so not only cutting off any contact is going to get them to take any possible action to restore it, but is likely to have massive impact on your relationship with him. At 13, he will have a say in court now, and if contact with his mum has been regular and she can now show that she is in a position to look after him full-time, a judge could grant his wishes, and he will be back to having a relationship with the step-mum via the mum.

I think you are much better trying to understand why your son craves this attention from this couple and decides whether it is doing more damage than stopping any contact would.

missbiggles1

cms33 wrote: »

On the face of it from what I have seen in the past the step mother was always overly nice and lovery dovey, I just thought at the time she was feeling sorry for him due to how his mum had been and was never there for him. I think he likes the attention.. step parent is a very emotional type of person and very much ott. She just can't do enough for him..

Could there be more to this relationship than a woman playing at being a grandmother?

selloptape

Mojisola wrote: »

I would get him to have some sessions with an independent person - does the school have someone suitable or can you pay for some sessions?

I think this is a good suggestion, I've found my sons secondary very helpful with providing him counselling through the school nurse. I did have to specifically ask for him to see the nurse though, they hadn't picked up the issues before that so you might need to give them a push if they didn't offer it when they spoke to you.

If he does have some feelings of being pushed out due to new LO he may also feel guilty about this as LO has the health difficulties you mentioned, counselling would help him to talk about this without feeling guilty.

I agree that the step-maternal step-gran seems to be creepy but if your ex-partner is facilitating your son's relationship with these step-grandparents then it will be hard put a stop to it. Could you get your ex on side for this, or does she not see an issue with an older, unrelated-ish woman, sending her child several messages a day, and planning to take her son to a foreign country for three months?

susancs

missbiggles1 wrote: »

Could there be more to this relationship than a woman playing at being a grandmother?

I think this is OPs niggle at the back of his mind, as he mentions that he thinks that in regard to text messages "a lot of the content is very much like pyschological manipulation and a form of grooming". I always think as a parent you have to go with your gut instincts and this relationship between this lady and OPs teenage son does not seem right. The amount of texts etc seems more in keeping with teens and their mates, than a "grandmother" and teen. Don't get me wrong, my teens adore their grandparents and text them most days, but not to the extend of OPs son and certainly not the "delete messages after" texts and long essays.

cms33

missbiggles1 wrote: »

But they aren't his grandparents - that's a large part of the problem. Given that this is the case, I can't see why you can't cut them out of your and your son's life and let your new partner and son have a separate relationship with them.

Your last paragraph seems really sinister to me and certainly unnatural.

My wife asked her dad and partner not to be getting involved with my ex last September.(basically my son introduced his mum to them at one of his football games... which in the essence of it I didn't find a major problem at the time) the reply came back from them"you can trust us we won't be getting involved with the ex"
After they came back from Oz it transpires that they were in constant contact... and visiting. My wife made the decision to exclude them from our youngest son for the reason of not wanting the ex anywhere near him, and the fact that we weren't sure if we could trust them. I made the decision to stop my son from seeing them on a completely different issue.... the fact of the content of text messages and the adult conversations which were taking part. Unfortunately the ex hasn't stopped my son from seeing them whilst he is with her.